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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours being rude to my 3YO

125 replies

craftymammaoftwo · 13/05/2019 17:31

Okay so long story short we fell out with one set of neighbours almost 2 years before my first was born, they were in the wrong but after 4 years of constant niggling on their part I escalated an argument which ended in us not speaking ever since.

They can do and say what they like to me - my kids are another story!

I have taught my boys to be polite and kind to people and I think that they are.
My neighbours on the other hand are not polite and/or kind to them.

Occasionally (not very often as I police the kids tightly on ball games because of the neighbours) a ball might go over the fence, IF they send it back over it's usually two to three days later either completely flat or punctured where they've let their dog play with it first.
If they send it right over (usually when their daughter visits I think it's her that throws it back) my eldest 3 YO shouts Thankyou, and gets ignored.

My kids will say hello to the neighbours (they do to anyone who walks past the house if we're playing out front or getting into the car) - they get ignored.

Tonight they were playing with helicopters outside (the kind you pull a string on to make it fly) and of course it went over. The lady was playing outside with one of her grandchildren and couldn't have missed it as it landed in the middle of their garden, I told my son, ask nicely can she Thow it back. Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking - again was ignored! On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in when she said "FFS I don't even know what you've sent over" then immediately flung it back. Which said to me she already had it in her hand.

Now I was fuming, shaking but I said calmly but Loudly "there's no need to speak to Children" like that. I was ignored, I said loudly by calmly "he asked VERY politely and VERY nicely there was no need to talk to him like that.
She went in the house and closed the door.

I don't know what to do! We want to live here forever and I don't get involved as I really don't like confrontation but feel like I don't want to be here because of the way she (and her husband) are! This is the tip of the iceberg They've caused so much trouble for me and my husband since we moved here but like I say it's the way they react to my kids that's got under my skin.

I don't want to tell my kids to be rude or disrespectful to anyone but I don't want them disrespected in the process!!

Any ideas how to handle this?

OP posts:

KnifeAngel · 13/05/2019 21:07

If your kids can't play without constantly getting things over the fence then you need to stop them. If I was your neighbour it would drive me insane constantly having to throw things back. You are at fault here not the neighbour.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/05/2019 21:08

There should totally be a poll option though, for the question
‘how many people think the neighbours were at fault during the initial issue?’

😅

maryberryslayers · 13/05/2019 21:26

YABU for allowing things to go over in to your neighbours garden. What if she has a tiny baby or a pet who could be injured or frightened by things being hurled over the fence?
Why should she have to go out and stop her dog getting balls from her own lawn.
If it's on my lawn it's fair game as far as I'm concerned, next door know we have a dog and vice versa.
She probably shouldn't have sworn but after being whinged at for 10 mins she was probably fairy annoyed!
Your children should learn to take better care of their things if they don't want them lost or ruined.
Just tell your children to leave them alone, sometimes it's better to keep out of each other's way.

Lizzie48 · 13/05/2019 21:30

I wonder whether the OP is going to come back? You might all be frothing at the mouth for nothing. She’s only written one post.

Arabuella · 13/05/2019 21:32

I notice the OP hasn’t come back. I assume the thread didn’t go the way they thought it would. 🙄

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/05/2019 21:47

I think she was hoping for ‘How could your horrid neighbours let a poor ickle wickle three year-old cwy??’ And is pissed off she didn’t get it.

TacoTeabagging · 14/05/2019 05:39

Letting your kid whinge like that is not cool OP, nor is expecting the neighbour to return stuff to you immediately. Teach them not to throw stuff over and if they do, manage their (and your) expectations about if/when they will get it back.

Littlechocola · 14/05/2019 05:45

Why didn’t you ask for it back instead of letting him become upset?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 14/05/2019 06:09

Tbh, the only people that don’t find things annoying constantly going over the fence are the ones with the children. Once your own grow up things like ball games, bad behaviour in restaurants or on planes etc are really annoying. You are kind of immune when your own doc are small. This is meant in the nicest possible way, but it’s true.

I note you have also said you fell out with the neighbours because they were in the wrong, without saying why. The way your post has been written, I am not sure you would be my preferred choice of neighbour either.

My elderly mum lives next door to a family whose children constantly chat from next door, they are polite in a cheeky way and it’s annoying when all you want is to sit on the sun. “Hello mrs” “can we have our ball back” “what you doing” “why” it goes on, perfectly normal for a young child and perfectly annoying to another non related adult.

Put big fences up, tell the kids not to let things go over the fence or they will lose them for good, and leave the neighbours be. Be respectful of their right to a peaceful life and they will be respectful of your right to a family life, providing they are not forced to be part of it.

LonelyGir1 · 14/05/2019 06:09

Your children should stop throwing things into their garden (accidentally or not).

Screaming straight after is probably annoying them too.

TheSerenDipitY · 14/05/2019 07:46

your neighbours are not required to be nice and polite to your children, they can cuss all they want in their yard and ignore your child all they want... in fact no one is required to be nice and/or polite to your child... thats life!

Slicedpineapple · 14/05/2019 07:54

If stuff is going over in to their garden all the time it's fair game to their dogs. Why should they have to check their garden every time they let their dog out, for toys your kids are throwing over their fence?

Personally if I was in my garden with family and I had a kid at the fence whinging for 10 mins I'd be annoyed. Fair enough if it isn't a regular thing but it sounds like it is. You need to stop your kids throwing stuff over the fence, be it accidental or not. It's ok if you get on with your neighbours and they don't mind, but you clearly don't.
When I was a kid we used to occasionally kick a football over our neighbours fence. Could be waiting 4 days to get it back but that was our issue, not theirs. And we had a very good relationship with the neighbour.

Antigon · 14/05/2019 07:54

So they don’t say hello to your kids when leaving their house
They don’t say ‘you’re welcome’ when your 3 yo says thank you
They have to return all your balls and toys over the fence

I can’t see what they did wrong apart from not running to pick up return your child’s toy as soon as he lobbed it over?!

You sound ridiculously drama llama and precious about how many hellos and thank your kids get. It sounds like these people just want to be left alone. A polite person would wait for the neighbour to return the toy in their own time and only ask for it back if not returned within 24 hours.

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2019 07:55

Get a couple of poles with plastic netting stretched across, and when the children go out in the garden to play, put it up to catch balls, etc. It wouldn't be difficult to make, and it wouldn't be difficult to store.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2019 07:58

Gosh struggling to believe this is real. Who would leave their three year old to ask for it back repeatedly for ten mins until they were on the verge of tears.

I get You hate them but don't involve your kids in your petty war. Next time go and ask immediately. You're the grown, up. You don't get your three year old to do it. And then apologise for it coming over the fence.

Seriously if this is real grow up.

ANewDawn10 · 14/05/2019 08:01

Sorry but you are in the wrong here. Knowing there's bad blood why irritate then further by throwing things over.
She was playing with her gc outside, if that helicopter kept flying over then what?
As someone else said , go to the park for that sort of stuff. Or raise your fence.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2019 08:04

If relations are already sour between your neighbour, then YABU.
Balls and toys going into the garden is not on, either get a high fence or keep this toys for a field. My DS was awful aged 3 for lobbing things over the wall, we never asked for them back, my neighbour passed them over when he noticed, I apologied often and bought him an expensive coffee and mug at Christmas.
My DSIS never ever returns the ball and refuses to open the door, she has had war with neighbours, she won't change, if it comes in tough shit. She's very harsh.

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2019 08:10

Just keep your shit out of her garden op
It's not difficult

boobirdblue · 14/05/2019 09:47

Just keep your shit out of her garden op
It's not difficult

Fair point!

mrsm43s · 14/05/2019 12:30

Your 3 year old whining for his toy for 10 minutes is very rude, not polite.

Expecting the neighbours to instantly drop everything to return your son's toys is rude.

Repeatedly letting your son play in such a way that means his toys go over the fence is rude.

Shouting at your neighbours is rude.

If you want to live there a long time, I would suggest you take around a bunch of flowers, apologise for your and your son's rude behaviour and reassure them that you will supervise your son's playing better to ensure that his toys don't end up in their garden in the future.

Complainingagain · 14/05/2019 13:06

Stop your children from playing with toys which are flung over her fence??!! Surely that's just common sense if you have a frosty relationship with them. Also maybe tell your child he doesn't need to speak to them? They clearly aren't interested in having a relationship with your child if they don't have one with you

PawPawNoodle · 14/05/2019 13:29

Christ you're acting like it's his only toy and without it he has nothing!

If she didn't see the toy come over maybe she didnt realise the 10 minute whine-fest was directed at her? What would have been so difficult about going 'so sorry Deborah little Johnny's sent a toy over, can you chuck it back if you come across it? I'll be more careful' Much easier than standing there watching your kid work themself up into a frenzy over a bloody toy.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2019 14:00

No sign of the one-hit-wonder op...?

ddl1 · 14/05/2019 15:38

Something else occurs to me here: Is it really such a bad thing for your children to learn early on, and in a fairly mild way, that not everyone is maximally friendly and responsive, or fond of children? Obviously it would be a bad thing for children to have no one prepared to be friendly or pay them attention. But a child, who hasn't learned that some adults are not as approachable as others and may be best left alone, is likely to make themselves unpopular in a culture which values respect for personal space and discourages 'pushiness'; and may even put themselves in danger from adults who are interested in children for the wrong reasons. In today's world, sometimes a rather grumpy neighbour may be a useful lesson for children.

storm11111 · 14/05/2019 16:35

Lets look at this from a different angle. That dog next door is having a great time with all the presents you keep giving him

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