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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours being rude to my 3YO

125 replies

craftymammaoftwo · 13/05/2019 17:31

Okay so long story short we fell out with one set of neighbours almost 2 years before my first was born, they were in the wrong but after 4 years of constant niggling on their part I escalated an argument which ended in us not speaking ever since.

They can do and say what they like to me - my kids are another story!

I have taught my boys to be polite and kind to people and I think that they are.
My neighbours on the other hand are not polite and/or kind to them.

Occasionally (not very often as I police the kids tightly on ball games because of the neighbours) a ball might go over the fence, IF they send it back over it's usually two to three days later either completely flat or punctured where they've let their dog play with it first.
If they send it right over (usually when their daughter visits I think it's her that throws it back) my eldest 3 YO shouts Thankyou, and gets ignored.

My kids will say hello to the neighbours (they do to anyone who walks past the house if we're playing out front or getting into the car) - they get ignored.

Tonight they were playing with helicopters outside (the kind you pull a string on to make it fly) and of course it went over. The lady was playing outside with one of her grandchildren and couldn't have missed it as it landed in the middle of their garden, I told my son, ask nicely can she Thow it back. Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking - again was ignored! On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in when she said "FFS I don't even know what you've sent over" then immediately flung it back. Which said to me she already had it in her hand.

Now I was fuming, shaking but I said calmly but Loudly "there's no need to speak to Children" like that. I was ignored, I said loudly by calmly "he asked VERY politely and VERY nicely there was no need to talk to him like that.
She went in the house and closed the door.

I don't know what to do! We want to live here forever and I don't get involved as I really don't like confrontation but feel like I don't want to be here because of the way she (and her husband) are! This is the tip of the iceberg They've caused so much trouble for me and my husband since we moved here but like I say it's the way they react to my kids that's got under my skin.

I don't want to tell my kids to be rude or disrespectful to anyone but I don't want them disrespected in the process!!

Any ideas how to handle this?

OP posts:

adaline · 13/05/2019 18:03

You need to stop letting things go over into their garden - it's really not fair on them. They clearly don't like you because of your history, so stop annoying them further - it's not worth it.

Why should their garden/peace be interrupted because your kids' toys are keep going over the fence? Balls and helicopters could easily be damaging their property if they're repeatedly coming over the fence.

Either increase the height of your fence so things can't fly over, or only allow your children to play with toys like that in open spaces.

feebeecat · 13/05/2019 18:04

Sorry, but did you say he was asking constantly for 10 minutes or am I reading it wrong?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/05/2019 18:05

You seem to want neighbours you’ve fallen out with to be charmed by your children. Why do you think this will happen?

Jaxhog · 13/05/2019 18:06

If I was your neighbour, having toys landing in my garden frequently (even once) would be annoying. Having a child winge non-stop to get his toy back would be very annoying. Neither are very polite.

I suspect your kids are a great deal more annoying than you think!

If your kids can't keep their toys in your garden, play somewhere else.

Laiste · 13/05/2019 18:08

Sorry another 'don't let your belongings keep going onto their property' from me.

If and when stuff goes over the fence don't badger them about fetching it for you. Just wait and hope for the best. Like you'd have to if it was some type of private land next door where there wasn't anyone about to keep handing this stuff back.

You're forcing contact.

Lllot5 · 13/05/2019 18:09

I can’t be doing with people who don’t give kid’s balls back ffs they’re only small. Just chuck it back over the fence. I used to leave my side gate unlocked and next door used to come and get stuff themselves.

mabelsgarden · 13/05/2019 18:09

Sorry OP, YABU, for all the reasons people have stated.

Sadly, people do not have to like your children, and as a few people have said, your neighbours are probably fed up of stuff coming over.

We are fortunate to have a big wide side garden and you can go right round to the back when we're in (back gate is locked otherwise,) and the kids that live near us know they can just come round and get their ball(s.)

Your neighbours are probably fed up of you and your kids now though. Sorry.

Innersmellbow · 13/05/2019 18:09

You can't dictate the way other people respond to your DC whether they are polite or not.

Maybe use the experience of the neighbours to show them that some people are polite and others aren't but we don't allow how other people behave affect us all that much.

Shootingstar1115 · 13/05/2019 18:10

I can’t believe people are saying they might be fed up of balls and toys going over the fence 🤣 kids play out, things do end up going over the fence. It takes seconds to Chuck items it back over.

They sound like assholes to be honest!

DS plays football in the garden and quite often several balls go over to our neighbours and they just chuck them back over when they see them (as we do if their kids chuck them over). I do always remind DS not to keep asking repeatedly for something to be chucked over though. After he kept calling our neighbours name repeatedly to retrieve his ball (neighbour doesn’t mind but it must of been annoying if he was busy inside). But she was outside. It would take her seconds to pick it up and pass it back to your child!

Even if they don’t like you, there’s no need to be assholes to children. Maybe if their grandchild starts losing their toys in your garden, you should take ages to send them back over 🤣

Lost5stone · 13/05/2019 18:12

Just teach your child to ask nicely twice and accept he wont get it back till later if he doesnt get a reply. Obviously people would usually just chuck the toy over but for whatever reason she didnt, 10 mins of constantly asking would do anyone's head in

Laiste · 13/05/2019 18:13

Maybe use the experience of the neighbours to show them that some people are polite and others aren't but we don't allow how other people behave affect us all that much.

... or that if we don't learn that our behavior sometimes pisses people off we can find they're not that keen to hand our toys back?

BarbedBloom · 13/05/2019 18:14

I also think you have to stop things going over the fence. It happens here and the balls are damaging my plants which I spend a lot of time and money on. It sounds like the relationship has broken down completely now unfortunately so I wouldn't expect anything from them at all

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/05/2019 18:14

I can't believe people are saying the DC should have thanked her and left it there! "Thank you for saying 'for fucks sake' neighbour, I'll make sure I repeat it tomorrow when Granny comes for tea". As if an adult has the right to say that to any child!

OP perhaps teach your DC that the neighbours are rude and not to engage with them; ignoring rude people reduces their opportunity for rudeness, so teach your DC to walk past and pretend they're not there. Make it a game "our invisible neighbour" and explain to them that some adults just make shit choices, and your neighbours are those adults.

I'd also look into higher fences to prevent anything ever going over again. And if something ever does, don't ask for it back because you know it just gives her that opportunity for rudeness, so let it be.

And anyone shouting "FFS" over a fence at a child is a dick. No question.

diddl · 13/05/2019 18:15

Tbh if she was there & wanted to throw it back she would have done so straight away.

What did they initially do that was wrongthat you escalated?

Sirzy · 13/05/2019 18:15

Actual at three and with proper supervision no things shouldn’t be going into the neighbours garden!

MyCatHogsTheBed · 13/05/2019 18:17

I used to live next to a common, where I got balls flying over the fence regularly. I threw them back when I found them, which was every few days or week or two, I didn't use the garden much. Lord knows if they found their rightful owners again or not!

I'd be annoyed if I were your neighbor tbh. A football or tennis ball has potential to damage property or hurt people or animals who are in the next door garden. It sounds like your kids regularly lose balls next door, so I'd stop them from playing with loose balls, helicopters or anything else that could fly over a fence in your garden. Get them a swing tennis set instead, where the ball is anchored!

I'd find it flipping annoying and disrespectful

mabelsgarden · 13/05/2019 18:18

@Shootingstar1115

Bet your neighbours love YOU. 🤣

Why do you think your neighbours should be disturbed very single time one of your kids boots a ball over their fence?

You sound very entitled. And calling people 'assholes' for not wanting to cow-tow to you and your family, says more about you than them, or anyone on here!

You should move next door to the OP. You sound WELL suited!

Arabuella · 13/05/2019 18:19

Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking - again was ignored! On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in when she said "FFS I don't even know what you've sent over

10 minutes of whinging is unacceptable. Did it never cross your mind to round and politely ask for it back? Has it ever crossed your mind the woman didn’t see the toy going over the fence? YABU in being fuming and shaking at such a trivial thing. As others have said don’t let your children play with things that can go over the fence.

Witchend · 13/05/2019 18:19

So you sent yet another thing over the fence, and then let your DC whinge for 10 minutes.
Not surprised that they're not keen on that.

llangennith · 13/05/2019 18:20

YABVU

Grinchly · 13/05/2019 18:22

Your children are probably driving them insane.
Are your children given to loud shrieking?
You probably have no idea how their behaviour is impacting on their quality of life.

Celebelly · 13/05/2019 18:22

I think anyone living beside us would learn not to throw stuff over quite quickly. DDog will always get there first

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 13/05/2019 18:24

Badgering someone for 10 minutes is NOT polite which is what you have allowed your 3 year old to do. It drives me potty when my own children do this I wouldn’t be impressed with someone else’s child doing this.

Ask once, possibly twice but repeatedly is rude. Make sure things don’t go over the fence and accept if they do she can return them when she sees fit.

qazxc · 13/05/2019 18:24

Make sure nothing goes into their garden = Problem sorted.
They are clearly avoiding any interaction with your household because they don't want anymore drama. Not that it worked out for her this evening when she was out in the garden with DGC.

Fairenuff · 13/05/2019 18:24

I told my son, ask nicely can she Thow it back. Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking

So she can't enjoy her garden in peace without either having to return items or be nagged at. That would annoy me. Sorry I'm with her. If it goes over the fence consider it lost.

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