Neighbours being rude to my 3YO

[craftymammaoftwo]

Okay so long story short we fell out with one set of neighbours almost 2 years before my first was born, they were in the wrong but after 4 years of constant niggling on their part I escalated an argument which ended in us not speaking ever since.

They can do and say what they like to me - my kids are another story!

I have taught my boys to be polite and kind to people and I think that they are.
My neighbours on the other hand are not polite and/or kind to them.

Occasionally (not very often as I police the kids tightly on ball games because of the neighbours) a ball might go over the fence, IF they send it back over it's usually two to three days later either completely flat or punctured where they've let their dog play with it first.
If they send it right over (usually when their daughter visits I think it's her that throws it back) my eldest 3 YO shouts Thankyou, and gets ignored.

My kids will say hello to the neighbours (they do to anyone who walks past the house if we're playing out front or getting into the car) - they get ignored.

Tonight they were playing with helicopters outside (the kind you pull a string on to make it fly) and of course it went over. The lady was playing outside with one of her grandchildren and couldn't have missed it as it landed in the middle of their garden, I told my son, ask nicely can she Thow it back. Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking - again was ignored! On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in when she said "FFS I don't even know what you've sent over" then immediately flung it back. Which said to me she already had it in her hand.

Now I was fuming, shaking but I said calmly but Loudly "there's no need to speak to Children" like that. I was ignored, I said loudly by calmly "he asked VERY politely and VERY nicely there was no need to talk to him like that.
She went in the house and closed the door.

I don't know what to do! We want to live here forever and I don't get involved as I really don't like confrontation but feel like I don't want to be here because of the way she (and her husband) are! This is the tip of the iceberg They've caused so much trouble for me and my husband since we moved here but like I say it's the way they react to my kids that's got under my skin.

I don't want to tell my kids to be rude or disrespectful to anyone but I don't want them disrespected in the process!!

Any ideas how to handle this?

I get on really well with all my neighbours they are lovely and kind, but even so I have taught my DDs (aged 4 and 5) that if a ball or toy goes over the fence they have to wait until the neighbours notice it and throw it back.

They don't shout over the fence/nag for things back and I won't bother the neighbours by going round to ask. I do this so they learn that the consequences of not being careful with their ball games/toys mean they go without for a few days and therefore they are more careful.

You have a poor relationship with your neighbours and just need to accept they resent throwing things back. Stock up on balls so you have spares and take things like helicopters and more expensive toys to the park instead. I doubt they will change and suddenly become more helpful, you can't change their behaviour but you can change how you react to them.

I don’t think you can really moan about balls being played with by their dog. I’m afraid, as much as any normal human would simply throw them back, it is your stuff that’s ended up in their garden.

However swearing at young dc is a different level of horrid

Crikey, surprised by how many people would get annoyed at chucking back a child’s toy. Our ndn have a football and badminton crazy ds. Lots of stuff comes over. We just chuck it back.
But you have fallen out so it is more fraught. I think I would get some buddleja and lavatera going on that side. I would also put a note thru th3 door asking if we could get some mediation.. if any toys came over from them , I would send them b@ck. and I don’t know about the helicopter in the circumstances,or asking for them back. You may need to explain that on the other side of the fence there be dragons

If your child's toy goes over the neighbour's fence - and you need it back straight away - you (the adult) go around and asks for it back.

You don't stand you child at the fence and shout out for it back. For 10 minutes!

Sorry, OP. This is entirely on you. Why would you do that? This whole situation could've been avoided.

The 'FFS' is rude. But the 10 minutes of hollering and expecting someone to jump to, and immediately respond to your inconvenience and hollering is equally rude.

Crikey, surprised by how many people would get annoyed at chucking back a child’s toy.

Clearly that is not the issue.

OP wanted hers kids toy back immediately, and stood her kids at the fence hollering for 10 minutes.

That's what would annoy people.

Tbh I'd be a bit pissed off with stuff going over the fence. Take him to a park, or get a higher fence, or teach how not to get things over the fence, it is possible.
No need to be nasty to children, but she sounds at the end of her tether, tbh.
If my child was asking for things back 10 times I think my neighbours would be pissed off and they're lovely.

It’s terrible manners for your child to be shouting at the neighbour over the fence. I would not allow my 4 year old dd to so that. Also it sounds more as though ndn was swearing in frustration, rather than AT your child.

If the neighbour hasn’t been returning your child’s shouty ‘thank yous’ with friendly comments back then that is a clear message to you to stop allowing this to happen.

Honestly? We have neigbourg on one side who have never ever sent anything back.
My dcs have learn to be very careful that side and not send things flying that way.
Sometimes it has been a hard learning curve for them but what else can you do?

Your NDN will NOT send you anything back unless it’s damaged and unusable. They are still arborring so much resentment that they think it’s ok to take their anger in a small child. Yes u are not going to change them. The best thing you can do is to ignore and tell your dcs that if things go the other side, they need to cinder it’s lost forever.
Then adjust what they are playing with/where they are playing accordingly (aka no playing with things they REALLY care about when they ca go to your NDN)

Would you honestly have handled it this way with neighbours you get on well with?

Stand you child at the fence and shout over?

I can't believe anyone would do this. Surely you would've just popped round and asked for the return of the toy.

I’ve lived here for 9 years, j can count the number of balls that have gone over to my neighbours with 2 fingers, I’d be fecking irritated too!

I think you should probably take balls and helicopters to the park. It’s obviously really irritating your neighbours who clearly aren’t your biggest fans as it is

I can remember my father, who was dying of cancer at the time, getting pretty ruddy curt to the children next door, who, for the third time in an hour had come to the door, knocking, asking for us to go hunt out their ball and give it back. The only reason the kids didn't get a gob full was because he never swore in his life.

Other people have stuff going on in their lives. Other people may not live according to your standards as to how you'd like them to treat your children. We're living in pretty cramped spaces. We rub each other up the wrong way sometimes.

Stop them sending things over the fence. I have my own DC but honestly it's a complete PITA picking up balls and sending them back to the neighbours.

Yabu. I've lived next to a family that regularly lobbed toys into our garden. It gets wearing after a while. I would probably have muttered ffs too.

Stop your kids throwing things into their garden!! Simple really. It's very irritating.

Teach your kids that sometimes you can be as nice as you ever can be to someone and they will ignore it/ be rude.

I have a 3 year old and my neighbours are wonderful to her. Probably because I don't let her throw things over the fence, whinge for 10 minutes at them and when she's talking to them, I drag her away because I wouldn't inflict mad chatter on them for longer than a couple of minutes.

See the difference in approaches?

YSBU. She has to deal with your kids shit flying over her fence constantly and then has to listen to your kid whining at her for 10 mins.

If it goes over they aren't being careful and so their game is over.
You need to get quotes to extend the fence and teach your kids to be more careful.

10 minutes? That's very rude.

A bit entitled to be honest.

Teach your kids that sometimes you can be as nice as you ever can be to someone and they will ignore it/ be rude.

Shouting over a fence at someone for ten minutes does not constitute being 'as nice as ever you can be'.

@YemenRoadYemen it doesn’t, but it sets an expectation that not everyone will be nice, even if you are.

But that's the point. The OP hasn't been nice, or dealt with this is a way that was going to end with a positive outcome.

She had her child shout for ten minutes, expecting her neighbour to jump to, and do her a favour, and do it immediately.

That's not nice, or polite. So this was hardly the situation in which to teach your children that even when you're being nice, people might be rude in return.

The OP - the adult in the situation - should have gone around, apologised, and asked to retrieve the toy herself.

Not be all surprised because she's got an annoyed neighbour on her hands.

@YemenRoadYemen there’s is broader issue though, where the children aren’t really relevant. It doesn’t do any harm explaining to your children that some people just won’t respond in the way they’d expect.

The ball situation was a minor part for me in this, op is annoyed that her neighbours she’s fallen out with ignore her children- to me this makes me feel op wants everyone to treat her children all nicey nice when that’s not really reality is it.

On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in

Leaving your three-old to reach the verge of tears before you were ‘about to step in’ doesn’t paint you in the greatest of lights either.