Neighbours being rude to my 3YO

[craftymammaoftwo]

Okay so long story short we fell out with one set of neighbours almost 2 years before my first was born, they were in the wrong but after 4 years of constant niggling on their part I escalated an argument which ended in us not speaking ever since.

They can do and say what they like to me - my kids are another story!

I have taught my boys to be polite and kind to people and I think that they are.
My neighbours on the other hand are not polite and/or kind to them.

Occasionally (not very often as I police the kids tightly on ball games because of the neighbours) a ball might go over the fence, IF they send it back over it's usually two to three days later either completely flat or punctured where they've let their dog play with it first.
If they send it right over (usually when their daughter visits I think it's her that throws it back) my eldest 3 YO shouts Thankyou, and gets ignored.

My kids will say hello to the neighbours (they do to anyone who walks past the house if we're playing out front or getting into the car) - they get ignored.

Tonight they were playing with helicopters outside (the kind you pull a string on to make it fly) and of course it went over. The lady was playing outside with one of her grandchildren and couldn't have missed it as it landed in the middle of their garden, I told my son, ask nicely can she Thow it back. Which he did - for 10 whole minutes of asking - again was ignored! On the last "can we have the toy back pleeeaase" on the verge of tears I was about to step in when she said "FFS I don't even know what you've sent over" then immediately flung it back. Which said to me she already had it in her hand.

Now I was fuming, shaking but I said calmly but Loudly "there's no need to speak to Children" like that. I was ignored, I said loudly by calmly "he asked VERY politely and VERY nicely there was no need to talk to him like that.
She went in the house and closed the door.

I don't know what to do! We want to live here forever and I don't get involved as I really don't like confrontation but feel like I don't want to be here because of the way she (and her husband) are! This is the tip of the iceberg They've caused so much trouble for me and my husband since we moved here but like I say it's the way they react to my kids that's got under my skin.

I don't want to tell my kids to be rude or disrespectful to anyone but I don't want them disrespected in the process!!

Any ideas how to handle this?

YABU. I'm team neighbour here.

If you don't get on you should take measures to make sure nothing goes over the fence.

You let him keep asking for 10 minutes? Really?

@mabelsgarden

I love your spelling mistake/typo cow-tow! 😁 I think you mean to kowtow but I'm loving the idea of dragging cows over the neighbour's lawn 😂

I find it hard to believe
you thought that was fine

OP what's your version of 'occasionally', twice a day? Also you say you instigated an argument that resulted in you not talking. Something tells you're the problem not them!

'To be fair, if a small child spent 10 minutes whinging / pleading with me as you’ve described I wouldn’t have returned the item at all.'

That, I do think, would be U. OK with a 10-year-old perhaps; but not a 3-year-old.

However, I do think that if toys are going over the fence more than once every few months (and it sounds more frequent than that), then these should become 'park toys' rather than 'garden toys'. Unless your neighbours positively like other people's children and enjoy their company, or unless they are generally very tolerant types, they are likely to find regular encounters with the neighbours' toys irritating. And what if they were out, when your children wanted their toys back? Best to encourage running games, hide and seek, etc, and/or pretend games, rather than ball games, when playing in the garden.

@MyCatsHogsTheBed

I genuinely thought it was spelt cow-tow, not kow-tow !!!

😂😂😂

What an eeeeeijit i am!

Stuff goes over fence.
10 min of whining from 3 yr old.
throws thing back (ok shouldn't sworn, I'll give you that)
has to listen to you loudly complaining repeatedly about the way she spoke until she retreats indoors.

Team neighbour here.
Also you knew that the toy in question was likely to end in her garden.

Ball games: here extended to any games that involve throwing things, including helicopters, etc. as well as actual ball games.

Just leave your neighbour alone.

That will resolve all of the problems. Stop letting balls/planes/anything going over their fence and if they do then don’t ask for them back. Tell your DC if they want to play ball they go to the park.

Honestly if you just leave them completely alone then the problem would be resolved.

YABU and I'd be massiveky pissed off if your kids toys kept coming over the fence, and you'd be waiting until I was ready to get it back. I also don't fawn over every child that comes my way. You sound very entitled

It doesn’t matter how many times he said please, asking repeatedly for ten minutes is rude NOT polite.

Is this another 'one hit wonder' OP?

I do get what you are saying, but I remember when my kids were small, as were the neighbours' children in surrounding houses (all similar ages).

We all did try to be understanding, but there can come a point where balls and other toys repeatedly coming over the fence became extremely irritating.

Sometimes we would get to a point where something had come over several times in one afternoon. I would let the kids know when I let them through to retrieve it for the umpteenth time that it had come over rather a lot now and that if it came again then it would have to wait until it suited me to throw it back.

That was how we dealt with it, and we didn't mind if the same was done to our children. In fact, if something went over more than a couple of times I would tell them (my own) that they could no longer go and ask for it back as they were being careless and starting to be a nuisance, so they would have to wait until it suited said neighbour.

It does sound as though your neighbour could have handled it better, but letting your child pester and whinge at them for ten whole minutes will have compounded the issue rather than helped. It is pestering, even if he says please and thank you with it. You should have stopped him much sooner and told him that he sent it over, and even if it was accidental, so he would now have to wait until Mr. or Mrs X had time to send it back.

I have a 3 and 5 year old and have never had anything go over our fence.

I'm with PP. whilst they shouldn't swear at your DCs, you fell out with them but you expect them to tow the party line and keep popping out and throwing random stuff back that comes into their garden?

You can't have it both ways OP.

When kids say thank you to the neighbour I’m not sure what response you want?

Higher fence, tell kids that if stuff goes over it’s lost
Ignoring kids not nice, ignore disengage

I think you need higher fences, and to make sure that toys never end up in their garden. They’re clearly fed up with it. We have 2 DDs of 10 and 7 who play outside regularly and I can’t remember any instances of balls ending up in neighbours’ gardens. (It’s probably happened once or twice.)

I can’t say it would bother me to return small children’s toys, having said that.

Jesus. I'm glad you aren't my neighbour, you'd drive me bloody nuts!

What do you want them to say when they return something then your child says thanks? We have a great relationship with our neighbours and I wouldn’t reply: I do my bit by chucking the ball back, they say thanks, done

Yeah I wouldn’t like the fence thing either sorry. I think your DC shouldn’t be playing with those things in the garden if they can’t keep it in the garden there are plenty of other toys. Buy him a swing ball 😂

She sounds rude

You sound lairy.

Let me guess - you often feel riled? Pissed off and offended?

Allowing 10 minutes of nagging is unacceptable. The problem isn't your neighbours, they haven't done anything. The problem is you allowing your three year old to bother them to the point where they lose their temper

YABU. Like other posters have already said, it's completely unacceptable to allow your DC to spend 10 minutes nagging someone.