DP dropped our baby

[DinosaurShoes]

I am absolutely fuming and feel very off about my DP's reaction and wanted some perspective.

We have an 18 week old. It's been a tough start to parenthood with DC having a lot of health problems but we are getting there. However, sleep hasn't really featured much in our lives lately.

At around half one this morning, baby was awake so DP got up to pick them up. He sort of half falls and drops DC. Queue DC screaming even more and me jumping up to pick up DC and check they were okay. DP just sits there, doesn't move to pick up DC or ask if they are okay.

I start to feed DC who settles once getting fed and then ask DP why the hell he didn't react. He says he was in shock. My response is that after 5 minutes he should at least have asked if DC was okay or said something but he hadn't and that it wouldn't matter how much shock I was in, I'd pick up DC straight away.

DP then got very shouty and just said "well I guess I'm just a shit dad then" and expected me to say otherwise and make him feel better. I refused as I was busy with DC so he got more shouty so I told him I'm not the one he should be angry with and he went back to sleep.

So, AIBU to be a bit worried about his lack of reaction? Honestly he didn't seem to care at all. There wasn't any sign of concern. It's like I'd told him I'd fed the cat, but actually he'd react more to that by saying something. I'm suddenly really concerned about his lack of care about DC.

I'm sure it was an accident, it's the lack of concern or care that's getting to me. It just feels so off and like he doesn't care about our DC. Thank you if you made it to the end. Sorry if this was rambling on, I'm a bit shocked still.

Sounds like you've sorted it now OP, but I just wanted to add that people can react very differently when they're the only person who can deal with a situation versus when there's someone else around to deal with it, so I wouldn't worry that this means he wouldn't have done anything if he'd been on his own.

notacooldad He went back to sleep! I didn't get the chance and this morning he left before DC and I really woke up. Plus the rush of the mornings means we don't really stop
Maybe send a text?
These things happen. There isnt a family I know that hasn't had an incident of sorts with their children over the years. We all react different.
The trick is realising there was no malicious intent and being kind to each other.

Sorry!!!!! I see you have done the text!
All should be good now!

“I am absolutely fuming”
That’s really awful of you, Op. I get that you care and love ur Dc obviously but it’s a mistake, clearly. If you had accidentally dropped ur baby, the last thing you’d want is ur DP fuming about it later. Ur equal parents and should support each other.

I'm glad that you texted him OP. You're both very tired and very stressed and I think he just scared himself and was genuinely in shock. These things happen, especially in the middle of the night when you're not properly awake and ridiculously exhausted.

Go easy on each other and hang in there. 

@MummyParanoia101 that's not laid-back, that's effin child neglect! what the actual hell?!?!

@Iggly DC was on the sofa but I wasn't napping with them and DC wasn't at risk of suffocating and on their back. I agree and I've already let him know!

Yabu, yes. I agree eith evryone else. Glad you have accepted that and apologised.
As a pp said - we are all just trying to get through this parenting malarkey. We all make mistakes and will do as they grow. When you have a baby, it is exhausting. Accept that you are both tired.

Shock or not it should have been a basic human reflex to scoop the baby up immediately and cuddle it. So if you were in involved in a serious car accident He would waste potentially life saving minutes sitting in shock rather than call for help? I would find his lack of reaction concerning AND to turn shouty at a mothers concern for her 5 week old baby! That’s not acceptable no matter how tired you are.

Shock or not it should have been a basic human reflex to scoop the baby up immediately and cuddle it. So if you were in involved in a serious car accident He would waste potentially life saving minutes sitting in shock rather than call for help?

Freezing is a very normal and natural reaction to a crisis. Also, OP was there and scooped the baby up, fed and comforted him. The DP may well have reacted very differently if he'd been alone with the baby.

OP, my DH is useless in a crisis and I'm generally pretty good, so aside from the shouting, that's probably how things would've gone in our house. Although yesterday, I accidentally hit the one year old's head off a shelf when I picked her up and had to immediately hand her off to DH and go have a cry due to sheer exhaustion (bad week). It'll all be fine. Sleep deprivation is shit.

He was in shock and it's not like he left the baby on the floor, had OP not been there he would have reacted differently.

And I would get shouty too had I been questioned 'what the hell' when I was in shock, scared, worried and guilty.

God exhaustion can cause so many issues. It's the only time DH and I had regular arguments, when we were utterly shattered.

You were both in shock.

His saying "Well I guess I'm just a shit Dad then" is him vocalising what he was feeling. He felt utterly awful for it happening.

Try and reassure each other as much as you can during this sleep deprived time. You both love your little one. Accidents can and will most likely happen. You will both feel guilty for it happening. Help each other as much as you can.

I disagree with everyone else. I had a baby to someone like this who was just so laid back he didn't think there was anything wrong with leaving baby alone in the bath once she could sit up!!!! Then didn't react when I ran upstairs screaming!!!! He honestly rushes for NOBODY or NOTHING. No sense of urgency whatsoever. He also didn't see a problem with leaving our baby alone and going to work whilst I was in hospital!!!! She was 5 weeks old!

You can see how this is absolutely not the same as someone having a frightening experience and then being in shock for a few minutes, can’t you? Your DP was wildly irresponsible (and apparently also incredibly stupid?). He endangered the life of your baby through being feckless and stupid. OP’s DP, on the other hand, accidentally tripped. His reaction is entirely attributable to shock / fear / worry / exhaustion.

I think even social services would be worried about his lack of concern?

Of course they bloody wouldn’t. SS don’t involve themselves in families just because one parent got a fright and didn’t react in the way the other one expected them to.

If you were extremely diligent and he wasn’t then I could understand you being angry with him - I was with my DH when my DC were newborns. However, you left your baby alone on a sofa and they fell so you don’t really have a leg to stand on here OP! I know accidents happen but his fall was an accident, your baby’s fall from the sofa was negligence...

MummyParanoia101 I don't think you can compare the OPs partner to your ex on this one.
I bet he feels crap, he had an accident, attack is the first form of defensive.
I hope you both get some rest, young baby's are hard work, lean on each other.

@mummyparanoia101 Social Services? Really? Get a grip.

I just want to reiterate the advice about SIDS and napping on the sofa especially when ‘well cushioned in’. It’s not just dangerous if you’re napping too. Babies should be on a firm flat surface with no cushions or other soft things about other than a well tucked in blanket especially if you’re not even in the same room which is another risk factor.

I wasn't aware my DC could roll until that point. Our sofa is firm and flat (leather recliner) and I genuinely thought it was safe having seen everyone I know with children let them sleep on the sofa. I obviously won't again and haven't since.

And yes, baby is fine and that's what's important! We follow SIDS advice to the letter, breastfeeding, separate co-sleeping cot with new, flat and firm mattress, non drinkers, non smokers, dummy.

Thank you again everyone and I agree, sleep deprivation is awful.

Baby is perfectly fine this morning!

Op you both sound shattered and your DP was probably shocked, tiredness makes us work in strange ways .No one gives you a parenting manual , my eldest is now in his 20's had loads of bumps and falls growing up and he is now a strapping 6ft so you will get there .Baby is ok , give him a hug he is probably feeling awful , we all do it .

Your DP will be feeling horrible about dropping the baby, imagine how you would feel if it was you? Then on top of that you are behaving like this towards him. Poor guy, it wasn’t intentional, he was trying to do his best. Accidents happen. Give him a hug.

Op your baby is gorgeous 😍 .

My friend used to tell me a story about her cousin who was dropped as a baby and she turned out to be super brainy 😂. You’ll laugh at this one day.

Cut him some slack.

I was am absolute mess but my son rolled off the bed at 6 months old. He was fine and laughing at being bounced on my dad's knee a little while later as I was on the phone to NHS in tears thinking social services would be knocking down my door. My DP thankfully was great about it and knew it was an accident. I however wouldn't hold him for ages after as I felt like a shit mum (my dad was here) and in shock.

It was an accident. You were both upset/shocked, forgive and move on.

@Happyspud Of course I'm not!!! She had been left 3 hours when I found her. I rang the police and he was given an adult caution for Assault/Neglect/Abuse of a minor.
He has not been alone with her since for a single second and hasn't seen her since she was 12 months. She's now 4.