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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP dropped our baby

109 replies

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 09:56

I am absolutely fuming and feel very off about my DP's reaction and wanted some perspective.

We have an 18 week old. It's been a tough start to parenthood with DC having a lot of health problems but we are getting there. However, sleep hasn't really featured much in our lives lately.

At around half one this morning, baby was awake so DP got up to pick them up. He sort of half falls and drops DC. Queue DC screaming even more and me jumping up to pick up DC and check they were okay. DP just sits there, doesn't move to pick up DC or ask if they are okay.

I start to feed DC who settles once getting fed and then ask DP why the hell he didn't react. He says he was in shock. My response is that after 5 minutes he should at least have asked if DC was okay or said something but he hadn't and that it wouldn't matter how much shock I was in, I'd pick up DC straight away.

DP then got very shouty and just said "well I guess I'm just a shit dad then" and expected me to say otherwise and make him feel better. I refused as I was busy with DC so he got more shouty so I told him I'm not the one he should be angry with and he went back to sleep.

So, AIBU to be a bit worried about his lack of reaction? Honestly he didn't seem to care at all. There wasn't any sign of concern. It's like I'd told him I'd fed the cat, but actually he'd react more to that by saying something. I'm suddenly really concerned about his lack of care about DC.

I'm sure it was an accident, it's the lack of concern or care that's getting to me. It just feels so off and like he doesn't care about our DC. Thank you if you made it to the end. Sorry if this was rambling on, I'm a bit shocked still.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 13/05/2019 10:16

Jesus MummyParanoia101, there’s absolutely no comparison between the two! I’m glad you’re out of that relationship now, but the OP’s husband was trying to help by picking up the baby. They’re both exhausted and he probably wasn’t even awake when jumped out of bed, but responded instinctively to his baby crying. Unless there’s a drip feed coming, he sounds like a good dad, that made a mistake. Please try to calm yourself OP and understand that is was not a lack of care, but an accident and he sounds like he’s actually really upset by the experience. You’ll make your own mistakes that will affect your child and you won’t want that thrown up in your face later.

Original poster

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 10:17

@Happyspud I didn't call him a shit dad. He said it himself and I know he wanted my comfort in that moment. However, DC comes first and I was trying to sort them out. So no, I don't think he's a shit dad.

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 13/05/2019 10:17

My (now long ago ex) husband left our three week old baby in the car park (in our car) while he came in to find out why I was being so long at the checkout.

I went mad, and rightly so.

I dropped that same baby when she was eight weeks old. It was an accident and my heart didn't stop thumping for an hour afterwards.

Do cut your DH some slack, OP. There's blatant disregard for safety and then there are accidents. He didn't mean to do it (I hope) and the PP who suggested SS would be interested is batshit being ridiculous.

Happyspud · 13/05/2019 10:17

And you can’t be serious Mummy your DH left a 5 week old alone to go to work. For 8-9 hrs? No adult or food or anything? That’s not just negligent, he must have extremely low functioning intelligence to be polite. Please tell me you are not still with this man.

Happyspud · 13/05/2019 10:19

Dinosaur, I think you need to tell him you don’t think he’s a shit dad. Because although you didn’t say it out loud, you definitely told him that by purposefully staying quiet.

Goldmandra · 13/05/2019 10:19

I think even social services would be worried about his lack of concern?

Not at all. He knew that the baby had been picked up and was being looked after.

It sounds like your ex was dreadful but this isn't in the same league as leaving a baby alone in the bath.

Original poster

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 10:20

@S1naidSucks Trust me I already have had my biggest mistakes shoved in my face a few times but we try to move past them. DC learnt to roll straight after a nap on the sofa and all I heard was the thud and cry. (DC was well cushioned in, and I was grabbing a drink, but it only takes a fidgety baby and a few seconds).

OP posts:

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 13/05/2019 10:23

He also didn't see a problem with leaving our baby alone and going to work whilst I was in hospital!!!! She was 5 weeks old!

This isn’t ‘laid back’- it’s would make me wonder how someone managed to hold down a job whilst having such low intelligence and reasoning skills.

Soubriquet · 13/05/2019 10:24

Just remember, babies do bounce very well and it’s more shocking and terrifying for us than it is for them.

A quick cuddle and maybe a feed they forget it all. We don’t

Emu99 · 13/05/2019 10:24

Who in the right mind leaves a baby 5 weeks old alone when he goes to work for the whole day?? Did you not think to check how baby was doing with your dp!!??? So baby had no milk no nappy change and was probably crying for hours all alone all day?? Find it hard to believe someone would do that with a brain

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 13/05/2019 10:24

I think your partner is reacting to the stress of being over tired and also embarrassed by what happened. Sometimes when people do things that have embarrassed them, they react in an off-hand way. I think your reaction embarrassed him and his reaction to that feeling has annoyed you.

Original poster

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 10:26

@Happyspud I tell him a lot that I'm proud of how he is with our DC. Just last night I was trying to get DC to sleep and I'm exhausted and he wants me to chat (which would unsettle DC) right at that moment. He's great with our DC, I was just concerned but clearly I should've considered the situation more thoroughly.

OP posts:

WMPAGL · 13/05/2019 10:27

Bless you both, it sounds on both sides like an understandable reaction from two sleep deprived, stressed people trying to do their best in a difficult situation and terrified of failing.

If he really didn't care, he wouldn't get riled up at the thought of being (or you thinking that he is) a shit dad. Not that that makes it ok to shout at you about it!

I hope you can both cool down a bit and make up. Maybe now's the time to go and see him and tell him you think he's a great dad and sorry for reacting in the moment as you did out of fear and stress? Even if you still feel he's more in the wrong (which he might well be!) sometimes it diffuses things better, and encourages the other person to meet you halfway, if you can bring yourself to apologise first. Maybe you can even have a little joke about it (may be too soon!) You'll know better than me whether this will work with your DP!

Happyspud · 13/05/2019 10:28

We’re all just flying by the seat of our pants. Honestly, don’t worry about it. But the one thing that will remain long after the exhausted incident itself is him thinking that you said (silently) that he’s a shit dad. So I’d sort that and let the rest go. There’ll be another ‘incident’ by one of you next week to take attention off this one

notacooldad · 13/05/2019 10:30

However, DC comes first and I was trying to sort them out. So no, I don't think he's a shit dad.
So gave you told him this since?
You can comfort a child and at the same time say ' no, you are not a shit dad"
It doesn't have to be one thingbor another.

As others gave said, your shocked still but you havent given that grace to your DP who must also be shocked as well

spanishwife · 13/05/2019 10:30

This really is key to a happy marriage during the stress of raising children "being a team is the best way to get through it together"

Original poster

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 10:32

@Happyspud You're probably right!

I can't see him as he's at work for the day but I have texted to say I think he's a great dad, that I'm sorry and it scared me. Also asked if he wanted anything from the shops but that's just every day for us!

OP posts:

Mummaofmytribe · 13/05/2019 10:32

Ugh those middle of the night things when you're sleep deprived are awful. You were both totally shocked but reacted differently and at the time it seemed like a total disaster. Your dp will probably be feeling pretty bad about what happened. I'd tell him you don't think he's a shit dad or it'll fester with him believing you do. You were upset and scared and it is always good to have a chat in the light of day when everyone is calmer

Original poster

DinosaurShoes · 13/05/2019 10:33

@notacooldad He went back to sleep! I didn't get the chance and this morning he left before DC and I really woke up. Plus the rush of the mornings means we don't really stop.

OP posts:

Slomi · 13/05/2019 10:38

Sounds like your DP was in shock and you got a terrible fright. Add sleep deprivation in and it's no wonder either of you reacted like you did.

Similar incident happened with myself and DP, although baby was a bit older. He did not react whatsoever when it happened and I had to go to her rescue and I was a bit cross with him for just standing there. I found him in tears over it a few hours later, he really was in shock.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/05/2019 10:38

I get why you are annoyed OP. You had to pick up DC while he just sat there. You were both upset but you sorted out DC while he was dealing with his own issues and then you were perplexed when he didn't ask if DC was OK. I would have been too.
When a DP proves themselves a bit inept in dealing with an emergency it does make you worry so I can see how it made you cross. You may be doing more of the physical handling than him which makes your reactions quicker than his.
Having said that We've all had the odd mishap, babies are wrigglers and rollers, and it is frightening when something like that happens.

Maybe its best to move on and chalk it up to experience, and have a talk when everything is calmer about what can be done to lessen the chances of another accident - my DH used to kick off his big old clod hopping boots and other stuff at night - landing in pathways to the cot, which I was always tripping over in the dark and i had to lay down the law on keeping pathways clear and removing size 11 trip hazards. Which I know sounded really prissy. Unfortuately it will make you the "health and safety" officer of the family but its a small price to pay. Best of luck.

Youngandfree · 13/05/2019 10:39

Yeah I think you need to apologize to him OP. People present shock in many different ways. You don’t get to still be in shock today but expect him to be over it in 5mins, just imagine it the other way around. The main thing is baby is ok.

S1naidSucks · 13/05/2019 10:43

I’m glad you’re feeling better about it now, OP. As you say, you’ve already made mistakes too. I’m actually surprised my siblings and survived childhood, with type of parenting we had. EVENTUALLY, when you’re well rested, after a good nights sleep (that won’t happen until the youngest moves out btw 😁) you’ll look back and laugh at the 2314 mistakes you both made. 😁

Iggly · 13/05/2019 10:45

OP did you say your baby was napping on the sofa? That’s not great from a SIDS point of view.

As for him dropping the baby - yes I’d be annoyed too that he hasn’t reacted as I would have expected but maybe part of it was because you were there and did all of that checking while he went into shock. Yet if you weren’t there, I’m sure he would have checked etc as well

Unless there are other concerns about his parenting, I would talk with him to hear his side and maybe go easier on him?

haloumi · 13/05/2019 10:52

I'm glad the responses here are defensive towards the dad …. he had an accident...

Everyone does... one day, something will happen and you'll say..

"That's because dad dropped you when you were a baby" … and it will all be a big laugh....

Kudos for taking time to be more objective now everything has calmed down.

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