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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unusual dating one maybe - would you date someone who treats your condition?

98 replies

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:08

So say a gynaecologist when you've got gynae issues
Or a psychiatrist when you've mental health issues
Or a cancer specialist when you've cancer

That sort of similarity.

I know what he does, and it's quite specific, and specific to something I'm getting treatment for. But while he sounds like a lovely guy, I'd feel duplicitous by not telling him - well actually I know a lot about your profession actually - because I'm on the receiving end of it.

It's not something I would ordinarily tell someone I'm dating. So do I just sort of dump this guy, or tell him why?

OP posts:
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 12/05/2019 12:10

I mean if he's an STI nurse then I might think twice about the whole thing all together.

But if he's a podiatrist then sure!

You need to be more specific.

SerenDippitty · 12/05/2019 12:12

As long as he is not the one treating your condition I see no problem with dating him. Or telling him about it if you really want to.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:13

I can't be more specific apart from to say that it's a medical niche for which I am receiving treatment. And it happens to be the same bloody niche he specialises in!

Another equivalent would be a divorce lawyer while you're going through divorce... And you don't want him to know you're going through divorce. Well certainly not yet anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:15

I don't want to tell him or anyone I date about it. But say a year down the line it would likely become apparent.... So it's kind of a non-starter really I guess! Because then I would have lied by omission.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/05/2019 12:18

But say a year down the line it would likely become apparent.... So it's kind of a non-starter really I guess! Because then I would have lied by omission.

But wouldn't it become apparent to anyone you date. So the issue is the omission not the fact he works in that area?

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2019 12:20

It really is difficult to say without knowing what you are talking about . Can you not at least give a rough idea ?
Without knowing the specifics I would say tell him.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:20

No, it's more that this would become apparent to someone who works in this area - most people would never know.

OP posts:
PlatypusLeague · 12/05/2019 12:20

How long have you been seeing him? I think yes, tell him. If it's something he does every day he will be used to it and won't bat an eyelid. Just say that's a coincidence and move on.

Ghanagirl · 12/05/2019 12:23

It’s hard to give advice with such vague information so don’t do it!

Littlechocola · 12/05/2019 12:23

I would casually mention it.
If he says something about his job you say ‘I had that treatment’. No big deal.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:26

I haven't met him yet, it's online dating. We've been chatting for about two weeks. His profession states counsellor (or so I discovered today after asking him innocently what did he work at again as I had forgotten). His job is 'I'm a therapist specialised in eating disorders and weight issues'.

I'm receiving treatment for just that.
So he's only going to see me as some sort of freak if he found out. Most other guys wouldn't have a clue.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 12/05/2019 12:27

Do you think he’d be bothered by the fact you’re receiving treatment? Or would he be more but here’s that you haven’t told him? If you think there’s a chance of a future with him, I’d be upfront but if you don’t, then don’t tell him.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:28

It's just an unhappy coincidence as we do get on well chatting/phone etc. I don't think 'normal' people would notice, but someone trained in it specifically might notice oddness in my behaviour around food.

OP posts:
EdithDickie · 12/05/2019 12:30

Surely the very fact he treats people with the particular problem will mean he absolutely won't see you as "a freak"?

justilou1 · 12/05/2019 12:30

No... Don't tell him until you know him better. You have to protect yourself first. You know you're vulnerable.

Pppppppp1234 · 12/05/2019 12:31

I’d just be open and honest with him, he will have a good understanding of what it all means and that it’s not just you being weird with your food etc.
He will get it... if he doesn’t then there was never going to be any longevity in the relationship and he’s probably a bit of a tosser

Littlechocola · 12/05/2019 12:32

I would still say. Do you want the relationship to go further now that you know what he does?
Maybe better at the start of the relationship? A ‘just so you know’.

DonkeyHohtay · 12/05/2019 12:32

You just say, for example "yes I know a lot about what an endocrinologist does because i'm on 100 mcg a day of thyroxine due to my crappy thyroid but I really don't want to talk about that."

It's not an issue so don't make it one.

skybluee · 12/05/2019 12:33

Why would he see you as some sort of freak?

Girlicorne · 12/05/2019 12:33

It depends. If it was a physical health condition yes, mental health I might think twice about dating a psychiatrist or psychologist as I d be concerned they could be trying to manipulate me?

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 12:33

It's being treated. Not very well admittedly, but it is being treated. I nearly fell off the chair when he told me what he did. I was going to just blank him, but he's nice, and the chat is very natural. But he'll see me as a damaged 'patient', not the person that I am I suspect. It's just too specific and personal (for me) a link I think. It's my greatest vulnerability that really nobody knows about.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/05/2019 12:35

A counsellor who saw clients as freaks would be in the wrong job.
It's a bit different to the other examples.
Counsellors develop relationships with clients based on empathy, being genuine, and on unconditional positive regard.
Which is the opposite of seeing someone as a freak.

I think this hinges on how far along you are in recovery/progress and any boundaries you both set together.

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 12:35

How many times you have seen him? I would mention in passing after a month seeing him regularly but not before then.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/05/2019 12:35

If it's too close to the bone for you at the moment that's a different thing but a counsellor should not see people as damaged.

PaintingOwls · 12/05/2019 12:36

No, it's more that this would become apparent to someone who works in this area - most people would never know.

Is it a boob job? Labiaplasty? Laser eye surgery? Gastric band?

Anyway, I would say no. I have a physical disability and I would categorically not get involved with anyone who handles my disability for a living. For one thing, I'd worry it was a fetish or a savior complex.