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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unusual dating one maybe - would you date someone who treats your condition?

98 replies

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:08

So say a gynaecologist when you've got gynae issues
Or a psychiatrist when you've mental health issues
Or a cancer specialist when you've cancer

That sort of similarity.

I know what he does, and it's quite specific, and specific to something I'm getting treatment for. But while he sounds like a lovely guy, I'd feel duplicitous by not telling him - well actually I know a lot about your profession actually - because I'm on the receiving end of it.

It's not something I would ordinarily tell someone I'm dating. So do I just sort of dump this guy, or tell him why?

OP posts:

skybluee · 12/05/2019 12:37

My main concern would be if it could make you worse. Like if you'll feel more self conscious around food because you might think oh well I shouldn't/should do this, or that... or be scared to eat normally in case he thinks you don't have a problem and you feel like a fraud, or that it would mess you up dating someone who works in that area, or it could become like instead of a normal boyfriend/girlfriend he takes on a role he shouldn't. I spent 7 months in an eating disorder unit, and I feel awkward when I go down one of the streets near here as one of the health care assistants lives on that street. And that's just going down a street! Personally I wouldn't go there, at all, but that's just me. I'd just feel so utterly self conscious and weird in front of them. But then I do 100 times better when people don't know so I can just 'be normal'.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/05/2019 12:38

Same, paintingowls - I have autism and couldn't date someone who worked in camhs.

But I have anxiety and dp is a psychotherapist. And she has anxiety and I'm a counsellor.

We are superawesome at holiday itineraries.
And it isn't weird.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 12/05/2019 12:39

I really wouldn't make this into a massive issue. A lot of people have strange behaviours over food sometimes, so he might not notice or comment on it. Maybe it depends on how severe your ED is? But I don't think you have to tell him or not see him.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 12/05/2019 12:40

It's just not possibly to give real advice without knowing.

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:41

I'm between two minds. On the one hand, I tell him and he says it's inappropriate or something. On the other hand, I don't tell him and he finds out by finding an appointment letter or something. Or maybe he'd just notice anyway.

Early days, haven't met him yet (he wanted to meet for coffee today) but I said no as I was thinking 'he's going to know straight away!' That can't be a good basis for a relationship. Having to lie.

Normal people have never noticed really. But I suspect he would notice, so I'd have to go to extreme lengths for him not to notice!

OP posts:

DontCallMeShitley · 12/05/2019 12:41

It might be beneficial for you to have a relationship with someone that understands. It would depend on where the line is drawn really, but maybe not a bad thing.

I once went out with my (new) dentist, one date only but that was because he was really hung up on his height and kept trying to stand on things to look taller, like the base of bar stools. I think the only one I would avoid would be a gynaecologist and not just because I might have been getting treatment, it just puts me off.

FancyAPint · 12/05/2019 12:41

No you don't have to tell him.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 12/05/2019 12:42

I think you might find the boot is on the other foot when he finds out. He may feel (and I might be wrong) that it's not a good thing professionally to be dating someone with that condition.

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:44

@skybluee You've nailed it in one post, more coherently than I have. That's also my fear. That I'd have to force myself to model 'normal' behaviour around him, when I'm just getting to grips with coping.

OP posts:

ShowMeTheKittens · 12/05/2019 12:45

I knew a woman who was just about to marry her oncologist. He was really handsome and younger but she was mortally ill,older and with no children.
Apparently, he found he found her very spiritual . She kept boasting about him.
I was very suspicious of his motives tbh, especially as she was extremely vulnerable.
I have no idea of the outcome.

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:46

Ohwhat fuckery - If you read back - I've mentioned twice that A he might feel it was inappropriate and B he might see me as a freak

Thanks for your help though.

OP posts:

Springisallaround · 12/05/2019 12:46

I think he will notice straight away, I've noticed this in several people (but would not say anything unless to a good friend)- issues around cooking, food, buying food for others, avoiding eating food, eating it and being bulimic. It's not always completely hidden and to a specialist it's probably glaringly obvious.

I'd be totally upfront in this situation for this reason- just say, you won't believe this, but since you've told me what you do, I have really wondered whether it's a good idea to meet up as I also have an eating disorder and it might really change things, what do you think?

You are already avoiding coffee so he won't find out (which is a bit of a flag)- all your behaviours will be quite obvious (sorry) so I think if you can be honest do, and if it feels wrong, perhaps he isn't the guy for you.

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:47

Thanks for reminding me though that someone with 'that condition' isn't dating material.

OP posts:

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:49

Ye I think I'll just fade into the background. Someone with 'that condition' clearly shouldn't be dating............ Sigh.

OP posts:

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:52

There's always one who'll try to make you out to be some sort of freak. Nobody has ever guessed before. It fucking took psychiatrists years to diagnose it!

OP posts:

JohnandMary · 12/05/2019 12:54

I’m a therapist, although not specialising I’m eating disorders. I absolutely wouldn’t see you/any of my clients as a freak and would date someone with those conditions (if I wasn’t married) but obviously wouldn’t date my actual clients. As said above, if you think you have a future then tell him. If it puts him off then he’s not the one for you.

Original poster

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:56

Mine isn't as clear-cut as looking underweight or overweight. I've a secondary condition that I use to mask the core issue. So you'd never really guess by looking at me. You'd maybe know if you lived with me, but other than that you wouldn't know.

OP posts:

Likeamobvie · 12/05/2019 13:00

I disagree that he will see you as less of a person. I work with a certain group of people with conditions that are regularly misunderstood, it just means I understand they ARE people better than I did before. When you actually work with individuals you understand better IMO.

PlatypusLeague · 12/05/2019 13:01

Who knows - maybe he has personal experience of eating disorders or knows someone who has, which inspired his career choice. I can't see any reason why he'd think less of you for seeking treatment for an illness.

Springisallaround · 12/05/2019 13:01

Apologies if you think I'm saying that, that really wasn't my intention at all. I was approaching it from the point of view of whether this would be good for you if you feel under scrutiny all the time- if you are already avoiding coffee then perhaps yes, and of course someone who works in the field might put two and two together. I think this guy might be really open to meeting you and not worrying about this, so perhaps go along for one meeting, see if there's chemistry, and if so you could mention it.

eightoclock · 12/05/2019 13:03

Op you are being over sensitive. No one said people with eating disorders are not dating material or are freaks.
Personally I think you should meet him and see how it goes. Most Internet meetings go nowhere anyway. If it does progress to a second date, perhaps mention it then, but I don't see the need to say anything until you get to know him better.
It doesn't matter if he guesses. He probably has a much better understanding of the condition than most, and therefore should be less prejudiced.
It should only be an issue if you make it one - for example if you were going through a divorce and were dating a divorce lawyer and kept trying to get free advice, or were dating a gynaecologist and told them about your gynae issues.

Springisallaround · 12/05/2019 13:03

asdou I wasn't saying that these things are superficially visible, but those who know a lot about ED may spot thinking patterns or behaviour or ways around food. That's all. So, long-term not disclosing isn't really going to be an option, I would say.

Aridane · 12/05/2019 13:04

Of course don’t tell him (yet) - you haven’t even met the guy!

slkk · 12/05/2019 13:08

I married a physio when I have chronic pain and back conditions. I didn’t tell him straight away as I didn’t want him to see me as a patient. However, I only left it a few weeks but it was enough for him to see me as me and not like a patient. I think you need to give the relationship a bit of time and then tell him once you are a bit established.

PregnantSea · 12/05/2019 13:11

So, first of all, you don't need to tell him anything at all just yet because you haven't even met. I don't think anyone could be miffed that you hadn't disclosed something like this unless you'd already been dating for a while. So for now I'd say it's not really an issue and you have no obligation to tell him anything. Just enjoy the early stages of dating and open up to him when you feel ready.

Secondly, he absolutely will not see you as a freak/weird/tragic etc. If he does then he really is in the wrong job lol. It's highly likely that he would be very sympathetic and understanding about the whole thing.

Thirdly, if you're concerned about him noticing it very early on then maybe just avoid dinner dates for the first couple of dates. You could go for coffee, drinks, walks, cinema etc. Obviously you will end up going for food together eventually but maybe for the first few dates just take it out of the equation and do other stuff so you can focus on getting to know each other.

Finally, as sky-blue said there is always a chance that this will hamper your recovery. Hopefully not, but it's possible. If you think that's happening then I suppose it might be better to go your separate ways. If that happens then, personally, I would be honest with him about why you're ending it, but obviously you don't need to be if you don't want to. But I think it would be a shame not to even give it a chance - you don't know how you'll react. Who knows, it might even help you along. You will only know if you try.

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