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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unusual dating one maybe - would you date someone who treats your condition?

98 replies

asdou · 12/05/2019 12:08

So say a gynaecologist when you've got gynae issues
Or a psychiatrist when you've mental health issues
Or a cancer specialist when you've cancer

That sort of similarity.

I know what he does, and it's quite specific, and specific to something I'm getting treatment for. But while he sounds like a lovely guy, I'd feel duplicitous by not telling him - well actually I know a lot about your profession actually - because I'm on the receiving end of it.

It's not something I would ordinarily tell someone I'm dating. So do I just sort of dump this guy, or tell him why?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/05/2019 13:11

Gosh, ok, the poster clearly didn't state someone with your "condition" wasn't dating material or make you out to be some sort of freak.

I think maybe back off from dating him. You're clearly very sensitive. I've never heard of a therapist who thinks their patients are freaks for example and it's an odd thing to think.

I don't know, but I think focusing on you is important right now, as your reactions on here are not right, I'm sorry.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/05/2019 13:15

Hi OP,
There are more people than the specialists who might be able to spot thinking patterns or behaviour or ways around food - such as someone who has supported a loved one through an eating disorder.

I was ready to say don't tell him until you get to a stage in the relationship that you would tell anyone else. But reading your posts, it seems that it will get in the way of your dating this particular person, as you seem very self conscious. The last thing you need is to be putting yourself in a position that might hamper your healing. From his perspective, I am sure that he would not see you as a freak - any such comments from PPs are spectacularly unhelpful - BUT he may feel that there would be an imbalance in the relationship that might not be helpful in the long term if he feels like he wants to "help" or "fix" you.

So I agree with a PP above who suggested being up front and work out between the two of you whether it is going to get in the way of a potential relationship.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2019 13:22

It’s absolutely none of his business! You don’t have to tell him about difficult personal stuff for aaaages even if you’re dating!

dangerrabbit · 12/05/2019 13:22

Eating disorders are not uncommon. I disagree with PP who said he would be able to tell immediately. Just because he’s a therapist doesn’t mean he will be able to see inside your head.
If the thought of dating someone in his role does make you feel uncomfortable perhaps you should exercise caution before taking it further but I would not disclose sooner than you would if progressing the same as any other relationship.
As PP have said he should be sensitive to your situation and may have even experienced eating disorders himself which has inspired him to work in this field, but whatever his personal experience he certainly shouldn’t see you as a freak or having a secret you should be ashamed of and I would suggest it would be unprofessional if he saw you in that way.
So I would recommend you continue with dating as long as you feel comfortable and see where it takes you.

mumwon · 12/05/2019 13:26

many people go into a speciality because of own or someone close to them having those issues. The likelihood is that he is less likely to be judgemental - however - could you not downplay your issue (for the time being) & say: strange - coincidentally - I have a history of something in that line - would that be a no/no for you - I don't want any assessment/ or to use you as a counsellor - (something like that??) lying/or omitting your history completely is more likely to cause problems

Tableclothing · 12/05/2019 13:27

I'm a therapist. Obviously my take on the situation is personal to me, I absolutely cannot speak for anyone else.

I would avoid dating people who are currently suffering from the conditions I work with. It's absolutely not that I think derogatory things about my clients, I don't - but I would be concerned about maintaining boundaries. The temptation to offer 'professional' support outside of the professional context would be pretty strong, I think, and that is rife with difficulties. What if what I said didn't match up with the support they were receiving? That could jeopardise their treatment. Would it even feel like an equal relationship? Could I really stay away from the urge to help? Would they become overly dependent on me? Would I feel able to accept support from them if/when I needed it?

And it would be highly likely that my colleagues would be the ones treating you. We're usually pretty good at saying things like "I think I know that person, please don't mention their case in front of me" but would you be OK with that?

Upthread people have said that you don't have to disclose your condition. This is true - of course you don't. However, again, if you were suffering from the conditions I work with it is highly likely I'd clock it within a few minutes of meeting you. If I didn't, and found out a few weeks or months down the line, it might feel like you had attempted to conceal it from me. Understandably, perhaps, but good relationships are not built on concealment.

As I said at the start, these are my personal thoughts/feelings, not those of the man in question. I hope I've been able to explain why it might be difficult for me to treat someone I might otherwise be working with, which is why I personally would avoid it. It is a very particular situation.

mondaysaturday · 12/05/2019 13:31

@Tableclothing, this is beautifully and compassionately put. I think this sums up the likely difficulties very well.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2019 13:39

Another therapist here and I second what Tableclothing said. If you do decide to go on a date with this man OP, please tell him. Otherwise you are hiding information that you know may be important to him, and that could have repercussions down the line for your relationship.

MirriVan · 12/05/2019 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/05/2019 14:17

If you withheld it from him and things go further it would be a lie by omission. But given you haven't actually met yet and are just talking I wouldn't be rushing to recite chapter and verse of my medical history to someone who incidentally specialises in my condition.

Play it by ear. Don't make a song and dance about it.

frogmarchheaven · 12/05/2019 14:23

Look. Ignore all the negative comments. Judge when it's right to tell him about it. It's either going to scare him away or it won't - just like anyone that has to deal with a potential love interest with a condition. He'll either hang around or he won't. You are who you are, of it's not enough or if it's too much then he was never going to be the right person for you. In my opinion he's come into your life for a reason. All the best to you and I'm sorry that this is an issue for you

justilou1 · 12/05/2019 14:37

Please stop calling yourself a freak, OP. You’re a human who is smart enough to be getting herself some much-needed help! (*i am a survivor of eating disorders).

iolaus · 12/05/2019 14:39

As long as he wasn't treating ME for that condition then it wouldn't bother me

Although I may be wary if it's the same team I'm with as he works for

LucyAutumn · 12/05/2019 15:45

I have a number of anxiety based issues and my (now) FIL works in MH and I felt so awkward and under a spotlight and like he knew every time I saw him. He probably had no idea but I felt so on edge and like I couldn't be myself or do or be the 'right' way Sad

Over time I've got to know him, realised that I have quirks and he has quirks, and he's not working ALL the time. It's taken a while but it no longer bothers me.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 16:48

Tableclothing. Yes, you've managed to describe the issues I hadn't quite yet verbalised yet in my head, but had anticipated.
Probably not the right one for me.

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 12/05/2019 16:54

I did - was living abroad - went to gynae re issue down there, he examined me, then gave me a prescription for whatever it was (can't remember), then went back a week or two later for a follow-up, and then he asked me to go for coffee and we started dating. It was a bit odd, looking back.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 17:00

Lol - that was an unusual one ginghamstarfish! Maybe you've a particularly attractive foof! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 17:05

From my side, my problem is that it's not something that I would ordinarily tell ANYONE. And the only reason I would be telling him would be because it would feel like a very big thing to hide from him in particular. If I did tell him, I think not only would it throw up all the sort of ethical issues a poster mentioned upthread for him, but I think I just simply wouldn't be someone he would choose to date if he knew.

So all things considered, I'll be just nipping this one in the bud.

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 12/05/2019 17:05

I think you should treat this like upuwould anyhealth problem. Tell the person when the relationship starts getting serious (e.g. when you start talking about becoming exclusive/the future) or when it becomes relevant, whatever happens first. I think that in some ways it may be good to date someone who understands you condition well, they’re more likely to be a good support.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 17:07

Put it this way, I can't imagine him knowingly dating one of his colleagues' clients, or walking into his colleague's waiting room and falling in love with one of the clients/patients there.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 17:19

If it was me I’d just say to him ‘I’ve been doing some thinking after talking to you yesterday. I was looking forward to meeting up with you for a coffee, but when you said what you do for a job it threw me. I don’t normally tell anyone, but I’m seeing someone about my well managed ED and I’m now not sure if you would even still want to meet up & I’m not sure if it would be good for me or not’.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 17:21

Put it this way, I can't imagine him knowingly dating one of his colleagues' clients, or walking into his colleague's waiting room and falling in love with one of the clients/patients there

Why not?

I think that says far more about YOUR feelings about ED’s than his. It feels like you think they’re something to be ashamed of.

Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 17:22

@Bluntness100

You're clearly very sensitive

Why do you say that?

your reactions on here are not right

Not exactly the most complimentary statement I've ever heard - what do you mean by this statement?

OP posts:
Original poster
asdou · 12/05/2019 17:23

Because I presume they see them as patients....

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 12/05/2019 17:25

It depends on what you want out of dating. Are you looking for a life partner? Well then you are going to end up sharing almost everything with that person eventually. They will know the best and worst of you and still love you. Having someone who already understands something you are dealing with is not a bad thing.

If you are just looking for someone to date, then move on. You don’t need the stress this coincidence brings.