Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you always say yes to visitors?

89 replies

Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:03

Since having our dc we rarely seem to have a visitor free weekend. It's constant with my parents, DH's parents who are divorced so they visit separately, and DH's siblings. Then the expectation of having to visit them and stay with them at Christmas and Easter for a few days, and my parents staying here for Christmas. It takes up all the Christmas and Easter period as well. AIBU in wanting them to visit less and not have family take up all our weekends and holiday time? Dh thinks you always have to say yes when people ask to visit or they ask you to visit them.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 12/05/2019 12:05

Absolutely say no.

That would drive me bananas

Aimily · 12/05/2019 12:05

You are completely OK to say no occasionally, you don't have to give reasons either. But if you feel the need to, be honest, say you would like some alone time with your oh and DC, there is nothing wrong with needing space, I'm sure they will understand.

Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:06

Also how often do you have family over with either you visiting them or them visiting you?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/05/2019 12:07

The weather is getting better so you need to be out more and unavailable

Megan2018 · 12/05/2019 12:07

We say no more than yes! No DC yet either (due Sept). We only only allow a max of 1 weekend in 4 to be occupied with visitors or visiting (aside from special occasions).
On mat leave I will see people a bit more often but our weekends are precious.
Fortunately our family and friends feel the same way.

windysowindy · 12/05/2019 12:08

I simply don't say yes a lot.
Visitors are great as a "treat" but a family routine and quiet are important to me.
I personally dreaded visitors growing up. I wanted to be with my parents and siblings. I did see my grandparents a lot because they were ace, and my aunt and cousin maybe every month. The rest... best for weddings and christenings

DDIJ · 12/05/2019 12:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 12/05/2019 12:12

I would have them round but not necessarily on the exact weekend of their choosing. If they say can I visit next weekend say "next weekend doesn't work for us how about X date?". You can then space it out to a frequency you're comfortable with. If DC is new there's a good chance things will calm down substantially after the novelty wears off anyway. Then you'll be able to spend your weekends in soft plays and church halls for birthday parties!

Megan2018 · 12/05/2019 12:13

I see my parents on average about 8 times a year, sometimes more. 50/50 them coming to us for the day vs going there. MIL lives abroad so less than yearly. FIL lives locally so see him more often but for less than an hour at a time.
I see friends away from the house often (for lunch/dinner etc) but only have anyone to stay annually or less.
We often choose to host Xmas but mainly because it’s convenient for us and only for max 2 days.

Whoops75 · 12/05/2019 12:14

We see in laws every 2 weeks for coffee and maybe have them for dinner once in a month.

My family don’t call unless there’s an occasion. I’m regularly on the phone to them and see my mom once a week on the way home from work.

Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:14

Dc is 16 months now. It getting worse now because both of dh's parents are retired.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2019 12:14

Why would you always say yes? Why is what they want more important than what you want?

I have a baby and DSC who are here every weekend, life is busy. My parents are divorced and we tend to see them separately, no in-laws but plenty of friends who want to pop in and see the baby and I try to limit it to one visit a day and some days I/we don’t want anyone else here so I just say we have plans, then maybe suggest an alternative. No one ever has a problem with it, who’d want to be an unwelcome visitor? We don’t accept all invitations either, the kids have stuff on, endless parties, homework, sometimes I’m shattered, DH is busy at work and needs downtime, sometimes we’re drowning in laundry, sometimes we all want to veg in our pyjamas. I don’t like to ever pull out after accepting an invitation so prefer to be honest when it’s issued if we have too much going on.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/05/2019 12:15

That seems a strange viewpoint from your dh! Is he very submissive in other areas?

I would start by asking yourself what you would like to happen. Then take steps to make that come to fruition. Ask your dh what he would like - not what he thinks other people would like!

You are being bulldozed at the moment and it will take some thought and action to stand up for yourself.

FissionChips · 12/05/2019 12:16

Dh thinks you always have to say yes when people ask to visit or they ask you to visit them

What is his reasoning?

Just tell them all you don’t want visitors anymore.

PlatypusLeague · 12/05/2019 12:16

How about blocking out (for example) every other weekend in the diary, and at least half of the Christmas and Easter breaks, for your own family time? You don't have to announce it to relatives, but when they ask to visit, only offer the dates you've chosen to potentially have visitors. If they can't make the first date you have available, they postpone until the next day YOU choose.

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 12:16

Your Dh is being ridiculous. Of corse you can say no, it doesn't suit to have visitors/to visit you this weekend. No need for explanations. You need time to yourselves and people have to respect that. Set some boundaries now, or end up resenting every bloody one of them with their expectations to visit you.

Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:19

I host Christmas for my parents. They arrive Christmas eve and leave on boxing day. Then mil demands we travel down to hers on boxing day and stay for at least 3 days. Mil will not visit on Christmas day. I have no time to relax and enjoy Christmas, makes me hate Christmas now.

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 12/05/2019 12:19

Just say ‘sorry, we’re busy that weekend and the week after - what about [mid next month!]. It’s rude to just say no, but fair to try to get a good date together.

Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:22

My DH is a people pleaser especially with his family. Once my Sil wanted to stay the night at our house which wasn't convenient for us. Especially because I would be the one cooking the dinner and tidying up after her, she doesn't lift a finger. So dh said we should offer to pay for a hotel for her because we are saying no to her staying at her house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:25
  • at our house not her house
OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 12/05/2019 12:25

Hell NO !

(((Hugs))🌻

S1naidSucks · 12/05/2019 12:29

If your husband insisted on saying yes, tell him he will be looking after baby and hosting, as you will be going out for a walk, coffee, meeting a friend, etc.

By any chance, is it you that always does the main bulk of cleaning, making them tea, etc?

Girlicorne · 12/05/2019 12:31

That would drive me mad. My mum comes to stay with us about four times a year for a long weekend and that's my limit. I would definitely say no. Christmas is just me, DH and the DC and has been for years ad we go away every Easter to escape family gatherings and all the associated drama. I have said this a few times on here, but I never ever do anything I don't want to do in my personal life as life is way too short. It makes life so much easier but luckily we have a reasonably undemanding extended family on both sides as well.

Original poster
Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:33

S1naidSucks
I pretty much do everything around the house. I do all the cleaning and tidying up in preparation for visitors. I make all the tea or food for visitors and the tidying up afterwards. I'm a sahm. Though dh has never once cleaned the bathroom or kitchen even when I wasn't a sahm

OP posts:
TenPastTen · 12/05/2019 12:33

Oh I do feel for you OP.

You really need to stand up to your DH a bit and start to limit the amount of time you have visitors or visit people. I know it's easier said than done especially since you're sort of already in the habit of doing it.

Last year we had our first Christmas Day on our own, it was lovely! We were in the habit of always seeing one or the other parents on Christmas Day and to be honest it gets very tiring and draining - we just wanted a day to relax with the DC's in all the chaos that is Christmas!
We still saw family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, which was ok and we don't mind doing it but I think we will end up setting a precedent of doing that which is a pain because it means we can never make other arrangements or just relax for the whole period.

Maybe start gently with people and your dh by saying sorry can't do such and such weekend we are busy, and then gradually draw it out so that the expectations are to see them less than what you are now