Do you always say yes to visitors?

[Panda90]

Since having our dc we rarely seem to have a visitor free weekend. It's constant with my parents, DH's parents who are divorced so they visit separately, and DH's siblings. Then the expectation of having to visit them and stay with them at Christmas and Easter for a few days, and my parents staying here for Christmas. It takes up all the Christmas and Easter period as well. AIBU in wanting them to visit less and not have family take up all our weekends and holiday time? Dh thinks you always have to say yes when people ask to visit or they ask you to visit them.

I would leave your DC with dh when visitors are coming and head off to the hairdressers or meet up with a friend. Give him a taste of what's involved.
Also start planning days out to get them out of the habit.
No way would I entertain every weekend.

As I got older the people pleaser I was in my youth gradually vanished I am happy to say. These days I just say No when I want. After a hard working week I don’t necessarily want visitors unless I have planned for them

Panda. I hear what you are saying. This happened a lot to me in the early days of having kids and moving into our first home.

Sieze control of the situation. The best way to be assertive is to plan ahead. How many times do you want to host a year? Then when these events are proposed you can consider if it fits in with your plans and if it does'nt it is much easier to say "no we have plans that weekend." At the moment your DH and his guests are doing all the arrangments and planning, you are probably doing the lions share of the work. So take the Lion's share of the planning and vetoing.
I think your plan of having 1 weekend a month sounds reasonable. I don't know the ages of your DC, but the weekends start to get full of sport/dance/drama activites, birthday parties and sometimes just having a quiet weekend towards the end of term when they are all worn out and you need to sort ths out now before it becomes untenable.
Step 1 is buy a big calendar/planner and work out what YOU want to do and how much time you want to spend on things.
Step 2 is to tell DH very very firmly that all social invitations are issued by you. You won't accept any guest events that you only get to hear about after he's caved and said yes or decided it would be marvellous to invite a big crowd.

Guests staying for several days is like offering mini breaks. - You have to say very firmly to DH, and in turn he has to say firmly to the guests - that you need family time together. Frankly when you are hosting guests I found that the kids got very very little attention both before and after the event. There is only so much you can humanly do. You are NOT A RESTURANT OR HOTEL WITH STAFF!!!. An overnight stay for people who live a very long way away is more than enough.

Also. Try and move guest events out of the house so you can be free to actually enjoy these events. Make them bring a picnic and all meet at a lovely park. Not so much cooking and cleaning and clearing up then. You actually get to enjoy the event too and so do the kids who have more space to dash about. Emphasise to all that family gatherings should be about talking to each other, not loading one person up with shopping, cooking, cleaning and feeding everyone, whilst trying to keep an eye on your DC at the same time. That is a mug's game and you want to be able to enjoy your time together whilst the DC are young - not act as an all you can eat bar.

We have a situation where we got a lot of guilt for not visiting every weekend - we eventually were able to space it out a little. Then dd grew and joined activities.

So now, she has Scouts Thursday nights, sailing Friday nights, I have Cubs (she used to, and sailing in afternoons - now she just fits in boatwork for Scouts and study) on Saturday mornings and then all day Sunday is taken up with dD sailing training in winter. And I need to be around most weeks for that (organizer).

We actually have spare beds in a nice spare room. DPs rarely come as they are enjoying retirement too much. DMIL has come once in 5 years (when DH drove down to get her, 2.5 hours each way, or a very easy and free train journey! away) as she refuses to travel since DFIL died. But will moan and whine, and yes, even physically cry, when she doesn’t see DH enough.

Dh travels for work, so is often only home near midnight Friday nights. I sometimes have to travel. Our lives are an utter roller coaster to keep all the plates spinning.

So now, we went down for 3 nights (2 locations) over New Year to see them all, and we are down this weekend (driving the 2.5 hours after sailing finishes, so only leaving about 9pm) to go to a family communion. The next weekend that looks free to travel is late August between Scouts things, sailing events and our own holidays (which is actually to an event overseas for DD).

I don’t get quiet weekends at home now either though....

So DH is keen to continue the endless round of entertaining and visiting - when he doesn't actually lift a finger to facilitate it. You do all the work and you're sick of it.

The solution seems obvious. DH is the one most keen to say yes - but he's not the one doing all the work. So tell him he has to do everything - and I mean everything: meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing up, vacuuming before and after the visit (and any other cleaning that needs doing e.g. toilets/bathrooms) making the beds, stripping the beds and doing the laundry afterwards. All the mental load too so he has to figure out what needs doing and do it.

Either he will refuse - in which case you can legitimately refuse too - or he will be much more sympathetic to you afterwards.

We very rarely say no, but will say 'we're getting the garden sorted today, you're more than welcome as an extra pair of hands or to watch DS while we get on, or we will catch up another time' works well, I used to put things on hold and prioritise seeing people but with DS in the mix things take longer and I have less free time to get on with DIY, gardening etc.

Sometimes I do say no, we were out three days out of 4 over Easter weekend and DM tried to organise a last minute Sunday lunch. I just said no, we're busy all weekend I saw you and DF Friday, I need some time to get things done at home and to relax. Because I say no rarely it's not taken negatively when I do

Oh and we split household tasks even though I'm on mat leave

Hell no! If we feel like visitors we say yes. If not/or we're busy we say no.

My husband's family don't do visiting though. They expect us to drop everything and drive to them when we are summoned

We love having visitors, and as much as I love my family I'd hate to have all my weekends tied up. I'd suggested blocking out at least 2 weekends every month to do your own thing.

I'd also hate to be tied down so specifically at Christmas too. We deliberately from DC being young mixed up what we do each year. We always see family over the Christmas period, but we vary visiting and hosting each year. I love Christmas, I don't want it to be a chore that fits around other people's plans and expectations year in year out.

My soon to be ex fil decided when I was on mat leave to visit almost daily. I started putting the blinds down and ignoring the door. Hrs the type who wants to talk about himself and not help with the baby. He then started phoning daily and at 11pm at night. ffs it was wearing

Yea that would drive me nuts also, We have my partners DS who is 7 round every weekend, but were introverts and suits DS fine as he likes to just chill and we are lucky enough to live in the country side. So for the most part always quiet.

Few times of not being in or answering the door should work :D

I said no to FIL once and I swear he hasn’t been the same with me since. He wanted to come over at 7pm on a Sunday night, I was in the middle of bathing and getting the DC ready for school the next day. We’d also just finished a Sunday roast so the kitchen was a state. I really wasn’t up for it, totally unreasonable time imo. No idea if it was on purpose but the next time he visited he stayed for way longer than he usually would which really messed our day up...

I don’t like visitors at the best of times tbh so it has to be at a time when I can emotionally handle it. I find it all very draining.

I pretty much do everything around the house. I do all the cleaning and tidying up in preparation for visitors. I make all the tea or food for visitors and the tidying up afterwards. I'm a sahm. Though dh has never once cleaned the bathroom or kitchen even when I wasn't a sahm
The fact that you are a SAHM doesn't make you subservient or without a voice. Your husband has a very selfish and lazy view of who and what you are in this relationship and you are the one who needs to put the brakes on the things you don't want to happen in your life.

Don't think - and don't allow him or anyone else to think - that because he brings the money in he gets to dictate how things are done.

You are an equal partner in your life so work out what you want to happen, how to say it (leave emotions aside) to communicate clearly with him. Does he, for example, REALLY know how you feel?! Start setting your up your own little family traditions of just you, husband and child(ren) or be prepared to seethe in resentment into the future.

You will need to be strong here OP because your husband is already in a "people pleasing" pattern of thinking (except where you seem to be concerned) and you need him on your side, supporting you and the new way of doing things. Good luck! 🌹

Yanbu. Definitely say no, tell them every second weekend or one a month
If you need to lie, for DH's benefit, tell them you have a family yoga retreat every 2nd wkend.