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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you always say yes to visitors?

89 replies

Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:03

Since having our dc we rarely seem to have a visitor free weekend. It's constant with my parents, DH's parents who are divorced so they visit separately, and DH's siblings. Then the expectation of having to visit them and stay with them at Christmas and Easter for a few days, and my parents staying here for Christmas. It takes up all the Christmas and Easter period as well. AIBU in wanting them to visit less and not have family take up all our weekends and holiday time? Dh thinks you always have to say yes when people ask to visit or they ask you to visit them.

OP posts:
PlatypusLeague · 12/05/2019 12:34

Why do you have to stay "at least 3 days" with your MIL? You get to decide. Could you book a winter cottage break following on after day 2 so you're unavailable?

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 12:35

For gods sake nip this shit in the bud now. You need to stand up for yourself if your husband is such a wet blanket. Nobody gets to 'demand' that you go anywhere, so next Christmas stay home and don't travel on Boxing Day. If you feel like travelling another day over the holidays then do so and stay one night, not 3. Or invite your inlaws to come for a night. I bet they'd have no issue saying no to you if it didn't suit them. Set the seed now, don't be so available and tell your Dh to cop on. Offering to pay for someone's hotel room simply because you can't put them up is beyond being a doormat.

SoyDora · 12/05/2019 12:38

I won't have family over the door! It would take me days to get ready and days to get back to normal

That seems a bit extreme, why does it take so long?

Of course it’s ok to say no. Having said that, DH’s parents live abroad and I do always feel a bit pressured to let them stay when they ask to come over as we don’t see them often. I said no to SIL and her partner coming to stay for 3 nights when DC3 was 3 weeks old though.
My Dad will ask if it’s convenient to come over. I’ll either say yes or no, depending on whether it is or not! My mum comes at regular times each week which we’re both happy with, she’d only come at another time if invited.

DDIJ · 12/05/2019 12:41

This reply has been withdrawn

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SoyDora · 12/05/2019 12:42

In that case I wouldn’t let them over the doorstep either!

eightoclock · 12/05/2019 12:42

It's tricky if they just turn up though. Or text to say they are on their way. Had one come two consecutive days last weekend - would have felt rude turning him away on the doorstep! Being out does not help - he will just come again very soon. Lives 20 miles away. Would really love him to ask before hand as I would have no qualms about saying no.

Acis · 12/05/2019 12:46

Ah, easy for your DH to be a people pleaser when he is doing none of the work. Tell him if he wants visitors all the time he gets to do all the preparation, cooking and cleaning. You may well find he changes his mind rather quickly.

Tinytomato2 · 12/05/2019 12:46

We try saying no to my mil but she still dominates every weekend. I hate it! I envy people who have weekends to themselves!

Megs4x3 · 12/05/2019 12:47

Absolutely not!! And paying for a hotel because it wasn't convenient for her to stay? Double not!!

An invitation is a suggestion, not a summons. People can decline and likewise a request to visit is a request not a demand to host. Simple.

Missingstreetlife · 12/05/2019 12:47

Nah. Is he Irish?
Parents, see each set 3 or 4 times a year, half at yours, half at theirs. Try to double them up if they can, e.g. your mum and his, or his dad and sister, not step parents/.in laws every time, or make some of them stay in hotel sometimes.
Similar to other family. Be very busy and not very hospitable, make them bring food, bedding, pay for a meal out. Say it's our turn to come to you next time, but don't set a date until they push.
Grow a backbone or drown.

Tinkerbell89 · 12/05/2019 12:49

Nope we say no thank you we're having a family day/time. I think it's too much otherwise & you don't get to have your own family time. Just say sorry you have plans as a family perhaps raise with them you're struggling with so many visitors family time is limited to it needs to be cut back. It'll then be a new expectation in time.

Megs4x3 · 12/05/2019 12:49

Another thing - my MIL expected us to visit every damned weekend. Sunday lunch at her house was a requirement that meant a guilt trip rained on my head for weeks if I suggested no. I wish I'd had more about me and stood up to her more. You'll reap the benefits if you stand firm now.

PussGirl · 12/05/2019 12:50

When I had DS, my DM announced she would be coming to stay every other weekend "to keep the relationship going" Shock

I soon nipped that in the bud! We saw each set of grandparents every 6-8 weeks which was plenty often enough.

At Christmas, we tried to do something different every year so as not to set a precedent. It eventually settled into seeing my DPs the weekend before & ILs the weekend after or during Christmas week, which suited everyone.

Missingstreetlife · 12/05/2019 12:52

Or go away yourself and leave him to it!

Squirrelblanket · 12/05/2019 12:56

We live in a different part of the country to most of our friends and family and this is something we do struggle with. Ideally we aim for two weekends a month either visiting or hosting people and two weekends a month to ourselves. It often doesn't work out like that though as those weekends soon get booked up and sometimes it's hard to tell someone 'we can fit you in in three months time' when you've already not seen them for six months.

YouTheCat · 12/05/2019 12:57

Host your parents the weekend before Christmas and see the Ils for a few days between Christmas and New Year. That way you get a relaxed time on the actual day.

If your dh wants to have so many visitors I suggest he gets off his arse and does some hosting/prep.

coffeeaddiction · 12/05/2019 13:00

With divorced parents on both sides it ment there was 4 sets of grandparents plus aunties and uncles so we had to stop having visitors and we instead visit people when we are passing .
It might mean we don't see someone for a few weeks but it was getting out of control and getting boring sitting in our house just waiting for people then treating them as guests with constant tea and coffee !

They don't like it but it makes us happier 😊

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 12/05/2019 13:00

No definitely not! I couldn't put up with guests that often. Your DH is being ridiculous and you need to put your foot down now. Easy for him to be welcoming when he doesn't lift a finger Hmm but even besides that you need time when you can just be together as a family. Start saying no.

LillithsFamiliar · 12/05/2019 13:02

Funny how your DH is a people pleaser but you're not one of the people he's putting himself out to please Hmm
Say 'no'. In our last house, I constantly said no. Since we've moved I say yes quite often but that's my choice. Plus DH does 50/50. There's no way I'd be hosting all his guests while he sat about doing nothing.
If you're finding it hard to have boundaries, why not enrol your DC into a weekend class? It means you have a reason to say 'no' because you'll be out of the house . . . and you don't need to tell them when you'll be back Wink

Furble · 12/05/2019 13:04

I agree with PP that constant visits/visitors rather zap the needed relaxation out of weekends.

I like to block out a few weekends a month in the calendar for family time at home. Weekends where we can go out for the day as a family spontaneously or just do nothing.

I think if you are the one expected to do all of the heavy lifting involved in hosting then you should get to choose the frequency.

Fairenuff · 12/05/2019 13:06

You are being a martyr. All of this is entirely of your own doing. If you don't want to host people, don't do it. If your dh wants people to visit, he can do the hosting.

Likewise if you don't want to visit others, don't do it. Let your dh go on his own if he wants or with the dc. Be accountable for your own decisions and you will be much happier.

purplereindeer · 12/05/2019 13:07

Honestly? We only see the ones we like.

We see DP's Mum about once a month, my Mum about the same (we have funny work schedules that give us more than just weekends off though!), DP's sister once a week, my Dad a few times a year (lives 5 hours drive away). That is it for family!

We might bump into my sister twice a year at my Mum's house, but she isn't interested in the DC or in me since I had the DC so she can get fucked!

We see friends all the time, because we got to choose the ones we really like!

7yo7yo · 12/05/2019 13:09

Tell him to do the grunt work.
He’ll soon stop being a “people pleaser,” sounds like people who are “sensitive” to criticism but rip the shit out of others!

topcat2014 · 12/05/2019 13:09

Chores expand to fill available time. I would actually like to see more people, and am happy to allow anyone in on a whim

I answer the phone every time as well.

But I appreciate that is not the MN accepted norm.

I am pleased people want to see us.

NunoGoncalves · 12/05/2019 13:11

I think it's fine to say no. I love seeing our family every weekend, but if I wanted a weekend off I'd just say "oh we're busy this weekend, how about next?"

Simple.