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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you always say yes to visitors?

89 replies

Panda90 · 12/05/2019 12:03

Since having our dc we rarely seem to have a visitor free weekend. It's constant with my parents, DH's parents who are divorced so they visit separately, and DH's siblings. Then the expectation of having to visit them and stay with them at Christmas and Easter for a few days, and my parents staying here for Christmas. It takes up all the Christmas and Easter period as well. AIBU in wanting them to visit less and not have family take up all our weekends and holiday time? Dh thinks you always have to say yes when people ask to visit or they ask you to visit them.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 12/05/2019 13:11

So dh said we should offer to pay for a hotel for her because we are saying no to her staying at her house.

That’s ridiculous. He needs to man up and prioritise you and your dc. You don’t have to go to your mil’s on Boxing Day. It’s just another day, choose another date. Don’t give into demands from others. Do what you want and tell people no.

Your dh needs to start chipping in with helping at home, too. It sounds like you’re his doormat.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 12/05/2019 13:12

Oh give over topcat the Op isn't being odd here and it's in no way comparable to refusing to answer the phone or let people over the threshold! Don't be so smug.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2019 13:15

You’re his wife, he shouldn’t be pleasing other people at your expense. You’re a SAHM not a skivvy or running a b&b!

Start saying no. It’ll feel difficult the first few times then I promise it’ll get easier.

And stop this Christmas bollocks. You’re an adult and a mum, no one gets to “insist” on how you spend your time. That’s daft.

I have a colleague who had young adult DC and they got to spend Christmas at home for the first time ever last year. Her DB has “insisted” she and her family travel to spend Christmas with him for 20 years and last test she found a way to say no. She cooked her own Christmas dinner in her own home and spent it with her husband and DDs. She had the best Christmas of her life and has been kicking herself since that it’s taken so long to put herself and her family over a sibling she doesn’t even really like that much. Better late than never but it’s a shame she couldn’t give her family what they all wanted for so long.

PregnantSea · 12/05/2019 13:23

I would hate this. Very occasionally it's nice to have someone dear to you visit, but for the most part I like to be left to my own life. Visits and visiting are both very draining.

Just say no sometimes. Don't allow a precedent to be set where each set of visitors comes over every weekend, and don't set a precedent that you stay over at someone else's house every Christmas. It's perfectly ok to be busy with your own stuff as a family.

Cobblersandhogwash · 12/05/2019 13:24

I say no a lot.

feistymumma · 12/05/2019 13:27

YANBU

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 12/05/2019 13:29

No way to visitors most weekend. I would start informally making sure you have 2 out of 3 weekends to yourselves and then stretching them out further. We see one of our parents once a month, maybe more around Christmas & birthdays. We are both from quite big families though so their attention is split.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 12/05/2019 13:33

Also DH & I ALWAYS split the hosting. Roughly he does the lion's share for his family, and I do the larger share for mine. Absolutely no way would I being playing the little wife for the benefit of his family, even though they are lovely and I like them a lot. They raised him and can benefit from the fruits of their labour. I established this early when we moved in together and his mum sent me his favourite recipes - I thanked her and said clearly that he will enjoy cooking them. Enough Said.

MollyButton · 12/05/2019 13:35

You need to start saying NO.
As your LO gets older it will get less and less convenient anyway.
Can you get a diary or calendar and start blocking out weekends, so you are only seeing people 1 a month? Maybe "start" a DIY of garden project - which will take up your weekends.

But the first thing you need to do is get DH on board with this. If he doesn't then I would leave him to go away by himself or leave him to host by himself. Then see if he changes his tune.
I would also start reigning back everyones expectations about Christmas - maybe book a Christmas holiday? And tell everyone now.

Do you live by the sea or somewhere picturesque/touristy?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 12/05/2019 13:39

What @Acis said. You really need to stop being a skivvy and a doormat. You are NOT your DH's staff.

user2928362 · 12/05/2019 13:39

Not wanting visitors every weekend is NBU but I think you are being slightly U to moan about visiting your Mil after Xmas when your parents are about for the 3 most important days over Xmas.

quizqueen · 12/05/2019 13:43

Why don't people decide at the beginning how things are going to be, family wise- it's more difficult to change things later on when habits are formed without seeming a bit off.

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 13:46

It you don’t want to see them so often is ok, just make sure you have plenty of plans in place so when they ring to say they are coming you say”Oh sorry, we are just going out”, “we have plans today”, we are not in, stop picking up the phone or simply explain to your relatives that you are busy/tired/need to catch up with certain things and that you would prefer not to meet them on the day.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2019 13:50

Sorry. You have a DH problem.

If he won't say No then you have to - or go out (preferably with DC!) That''ll stop them!

And get the idle git to help. He doesn't get to have every weekend off whilst you slave over him, the house and visitors!

Springwalk · 12/05/2019 14:00

We see family 2-3 times a year and it is ample! We used to be on a treadmill of every other weekend when the children were small, and it was exhausting. We felt burnt out most of the time because of the cleaning and catering, being up all night with dc. It would have been helpful if they had pitched in, but they never did. Dh always did equal or more of the grunt work.

The problem will be that your dc will grow up and have busy weekends of sports, friends and parties. Your arrangement is totally unsustainable.

Be assertive with your own life. You need to time to relax, time to be together. Your in laws are using their visits no doubt to fill their weekends will have consequences for you as a family.

Start saying you can’t do certain dates and expand.

Do new year for your in laws or every other year visits for Christmas.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 12/05/2019 14:16

Most people who know us well don't just turn up. Mmm except in laws. I have made it clear several times, to send us a text but she doesn't. She turned up last week, half an hour before work and I had to throw her out. Maybe the thing to do is ask them to take the children out, for an hour when they do it. If they put you on the spot put them on the spot. Etc etc

MaverickSnoopy · 12/05/2019 14:20

I don't even know where to begin - we have so many issues with this.

3 children with disabilities/additional needs which comes with lots of hospital apts. Life in addition to that is relentlessly busy - think eating meals while doing chores and never stopping until about 10pm/11pm every day. I shan't go into detail.

DH and I both have huge families. One side expect a lot from us, the other side understands and does what they can to help. We see people as much as we can but have come up with a rule that in a weekend we only make one commitment that weekend. So one weekend might be see family 1, next weekend would be see family 2, next weekend might be buy new school shoes iyswim. Every single weekend is full and we don't ever get downtime. Honestly we're on our knees with exhaustion and probably heading into nervous breakdown territory. We know it'll get better in a few months. We'll still be busy but will be able to eat sitting and schedule in some fun weekends and a bit of downtime occasionally.

We tend to see each group of family once every 3 months due to having so many family members. One side of the family is fine about this. The other side of the family has given us so much grief over it. It's compounded by the fact that this side of the family don't "count" quick visits. So supportive side might drop in with a surprise meal for the freezer, stay 20 mins and go, or they might come for half an hour to say hello, offer to pick up shopping or play with one of the children etc and then leave. Other side of family insists on a "proper" visit and after multiple cups of tea/coffee are still sitting there well beyond meal time which we've had to skip (bear in mind they haven't been invited for lunch but at say 10am). A proper visit constitutes at least 3 or 4 hours in their mind. We've had it where we see them one week say for an hour and then get a phone call a few days later saying that want to schedule something proper because it's been ages...knowing that we already have something for a months time but they want something before that. We've been told off for not doing enough and one person even screamed and cried because they don't see us more. We calmly explained how busy things are and what a hard time we're having but response was literally "I don't care about that" verbatim. They're nice people but woefully inconsiderate about how hard things are for us and just don't have a clue. It's actually made DH and I dread all contact which is a shame because it didn't used to be like this and we all got on much better.

iolaus · 12/05/2019 15:02

I always feel that I have to have a reason to say no or I feel guilty

That may end up resulting in me making up a reason because 'actually I'm knackered and don't want to get out my PJs' doesn't seem valid

TheCanyon · 12/05/2019 15:16

I always say yes to our and dcs friends. My dp's are the drop in without asking type. One time i was busy revising for exams and made my annoyance clear, so the next time when they actually asked i said no. Theyve never asked again and just turn up

PrincessTiggerlily · 12/05/2019 15:33

I would definitely have some things on at these weekends and leave DH to do the work. It's great being mr/mrs magnanimous and welcoming when you don't do anything towards it.

I have occasional visitors but occasional is enough - all the extra bed changing, extra cleaning so it's all nice, let alone huge meals catering. And I'm retired!

You do need to step back OP - DH obviously has no respect for your time or idea of the work involved. And he won't magically realise this at some point in the future, I assumed DH would muck in once retired - hahaha, what an idiot I was.

BlueMerchant · 12/05/2019 15:38

Either he tells them you are going out or you go out with the DC anyway and leave him to entertain.

Whoops75 · 12/05/2019 16:37

I’m back on to eat my words

Dh is away and his parents rang to say they were going for a drive and would call in for coffee.

I froze and now they’re calling and I really wish they wouldn’t

Megs4x3 · 12/05/2019 16:43

@Whoops75, I wish they wouldn't for you. That is so rude. 'We are going for a drive and will be passing your way so would it be convenient to call in?' is one thing. Demanding you provide your time and coffee at short notice is quite another, whoever they are.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 12/05/2019 16:48

We tend to visit others mainly I like to be in control of when we can leave tbh,its much harder to get rid when others visit imo

kenandbarbie · 12/05/2019 16:51

No that's crazy! How do you not have clashed anyway? Surely sometimes you have to say no because you're king something else!

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