Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's Wedding

104 replies

Redditreject · 10/05/2019 16:45

This is my first time but I have been around long enough to know that this topic has been done to death.
I have never had a cross word with my sister. She has been with her partner for five years, everything is fine. He is a lovely man whose first wife left him. My sister has a good relationship with his daughter. There is no drama that you read about on here. The child's mother is accommodating and all is good.
I struggled with fertility and had countless IVF cycles before adopting my child who is six; I then became pregnant naturally and also have a two year old born within weeks of my sister's baby.
I had great aspirations for the kids growing up together but she went back to work and her child is in nursery.
I see my sister in town for lunch and at my mum's but rarely as a family.
My father is now really ill and my sister is getting married because of it. Lots of planning is going on for a small 'classy' wedding. Small venue where ceremony and reception will take place. Her step -daughter is her maid of honour and her own child will be there but a friend's daughter will be there to take her home if it all becomes too much.
Well you have guessed it; my two are not invited. I am devastated...I know it's not my day and I have been married (twice) but I am so upset. This will be the last big event where my dad will be there. My mum has spoken to her and she feels that she wants her step-daughter and her own baby to be 'centre-stage.'
I am really shocked. There's nothing I can do is there? My husband is really angry about it.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 10/05/2019 19:09

The OP doesn't want attention, she wants her children to be included in an event that has been specifically brought forward because of their ill dad.

It is the sister who cannot let go of the thought of her children not being centre stage.

And yes the children will remember because for the rest of their lives there will be pictures of the last family wedding that granddad was at and they won't be there - the whole family will be but not them.

AuntieStella · 10/05/2019 19:12

What she is doing may be correct, but it is also heartless.

But for the sake of your DDad, you have to paint on a brave face, go, and have a good time.

It's not the gathering you might have hoped for, but it's still a gathering and one which I hope your DDad enjoys

waterrat · 10/05/2019 19:16

This is literally unfathomable to me. I have been to many many weddings some child free etc. I have never heard of the bride's very close relatives such as this being excluded.

Ok op put your big girl pants on and tell her how you feel. In life sometimes we have to be honest.

I feel from your post you wish the cousins were close? Life is long they can be close but yes this is a wonderful chance for family to come together.

Write a calm email asking if they can come. Be honest say it would mean a huge amount to you.

ItsAllGone19 · 10/05/2019 19:23

Her wedding her choice blah blah. My sister told me her original wedding plans that excluded my daughters.

I told her they sounded lovely but I wouldn't be going.

My decline was polite and not as venomous as I felt.

There was no way in hell I was going to break my daughters hearts by going to their aunty's wedding without them. Talk about making it clear you aren't important.

My sister was furious with me for ruining her day because it wouldn't be special without me there. I told her she had the right to the wedding she wanted, but she didn't have the right to insist that people attend.

You can't control your sister being a self absorbed arse who doesn't value her role as aunt. You can control how you respond and whether you're happy that you've made the right choice.

I have zero regrets.

NoSauce · 10/05/2019 19:24

ItsAllGone19 good for you.

JaneEyre07 · 10/05/2019 19:32

I think a PP had a good idea of arranging something else that everyone is included in, OP, perhaps before your father's health declines. A garden party or afternoon tea for all the family sort of thing.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 20:11

I don't think your sister's wedding day is the right time to demand for your own children to be the centre of attention.

Sulking because they are not invited and making it all about your kids and you is very unkind and so selfish. If you want to be centre stage, plan a vow renewal 2 weeks later or something. Childishly spoiling somebody's wedding is not on.

mistermagpie · 10/05/2019 20:19

I don't think the OP was demanding that her children are the centre of attention, I'm not sure how anyone could even have read that from what she wrote.

OP yes she is entitled to invite who she likes, but I think it's shitty. What does your dad think? I would still go because not going will probably cause an even bigger rift and it does sound like you would like to keep the relationship. But there is no denying that she is being selfish and actually quite mean.

I bet this is something she looks back on with embarrassment though. Some people get a bit tunnel vision about weddings and don't think about the other people who are involved.

NoSauce · 10/05/2019 20:20

I don't think your sister's wedding day is the right time to demand for your own children to be the centre of attention

The OP is doing no such thing. She wants her two children to attend a special occasion. How you can’t see that is beyond me.

janetforpresident · 10/05/2019 20:21

this whole “it’s her day’ thing is modern bullshit which gives a free pass to someone to be a selfish git

Yep. I think it's so selfish what your sister is doing. She excludes your children thus hurting you and not allowing them to be part of the special celebration that your whole family will look back on as the last memory of your dad. Her reasoning is ridculous, self involved and pathetic.

If you believe her to be a decent person who is just making en error of judgement can you explain to her why you are so hurt?

I don't agree with pp that you shouldn't go but you should go for your dad not for her.

NoSauce · 10/05/2019 20:22

PamelaX I bet you were Bridezilla at your own wedding. Your attitude stinks.

janetforpresident · 10/05/2019 20:24

Could you arrange another big family celebration perhaps for a birthday or anniversary for soon after the wedding? Something that your dad and all the children could attend.

janetforpresident · 10/05/2019 20:25

And by the way I don't mean because you want to be centre stage as pamelax says I mean because you want the memories of your dad with your children at a celebration.

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2019 21:19

I think there are always some posters on wedding threads who feel obliged to defend the bride at all costs. No one is allowed to make any criticism, as it’s their day and they can do what the hell they like.

In this instance, I don’t see how Pamela X has come to the conclusion that the OP wants the day to be about her. She doesn’t. She just wants her DC to be included in a day that is about the whole family, as it’s specifically been brought forward so that their DF can be part of it, and surely he would want all his DGC to be there.

I don’t think you should pull out, OP, as this would cause unnecessary hurt to your DF, especially if it leads to a family feud. But YANBU to be hurt and you should try and express this to your sister. If she’s still adamant, you’ll have to accept that, and maybe arrange another family occasion that does involve your DC.

As long as you don’t make a big thing about them missing out, they’re too young to be hurt by this, thankfully.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 21:31

NoSauce
you bet wrong Grin

Now that I do have children, I just appreciate that they are not the priority of everybody else and I don't expect them to be the centre of attention everywhere. A wedding doesn't need a 2 and a 6 year old, it's not about them, they don't care at that age if the parents don't make a massive fuss.

The OP seems to have big ideas about how things should be that don't go with other people's preference
I mean I had great aspirations for the kids growing up together but she went back to work and her child is in nursery.
that's a very odd sentence,

It's her sister's day, it's not about the OP's kids. She might have had great aspirations for the kids to be in wedding pictures and so on, but the bride has chosen otherwise. It's a bit rich to blame her!

CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 21:41

@ItsAllGone19

I love your response. When people say "your wedding your choice" I think they forget that they can play the wedding of their choice but they can't plan the repercussions. You can choose who you invite or not invite but you can't dictate the reactions of the rest of your family.

CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 21:43

but the bride has chosen otherwise. It's a bit rich to blame her!

It's not at all rich to blame her she made the decision. She basically has decided that OP's children aren't significant family members. The idea that the wedding is "all about you" and no one else's feelings matter is ridiculous. OP doesn't want her kids as the centre of attention she just wants them there - totally normal expectation.

KC225 · 10/05/2019 22:01

I know this won't go down very well but what is the behaviour like of your older child? I know a few people with young adopted children and all the children - through no fault of their own have some sort of behavioural issues. The children may well be called 'spirited, lively, a free spirit or challenging' by their various mums but most certainly they would command the most attention at a quiet wedding.

Can you not arrange something less formal for the whole family to attend. A sort of 'kids do the funniest weddings' party where all the kids get dressed up - eBay for cheap wedding clothes and second hand wedding accesories and favours, make it a fun afternoon for them all and especially for your Father to enjoy. I know it doesn't nearly make up for them not being there on the day but it would be something for them to look forward to.

bridgetreilly · 10/05/2019 22:16

I had great aspirations for the kids growing up together but she went back to work and her child is in nursery.

I think this says quite a lot. It sounds to me as though you had a particular idea of how your family would be - cousins as close friends, you and your sister hanging out a lot, everyone all together. That isn't happening, and you can't force it.

And, the same with the wedding. You want it to be a particular way, with all your children included, and she doesn't. You can't change that either.

So your choices are simple:

  1. Go, smile, make it the best day you can especially for your parents. Don't make a big deal of it with the children, who really are young enough not to be upset about it unless you encourage them.
  2. Kick up a big fuss, demand that the children be invited, stir up a lot of trouble in the family.
  3. Decline the invitation, also stirring up a lot of trouble in the family.
Maybe83 · 10/05/2019 22:26

Your dad is dying. She has brought forward her wedding. Her SD is included.

It may be the last big family event that your dad can attend. Your children cant go.

How will this make your DM and DF feel? Mine would be devasted.

If that was my sister our relationship would be changed forever to be honest.
I would say no more about it go to the ceremony so as to not upset my parents but I would have little to do with her afterwards.

Wish her well focus on your own family and your relationship with your parents separately.

Mayalready · 10/05/2019 22:33

The op wanting her dc included in a special family day is hardly making her entitled is it? Wonder what her df will think? Considering the day was planned for his benefit timing wise.....

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2019 22:36

I wonder if that's what the sister actually said, or if OP's mother misintepreted it. Have a think, OP, about whether your mum has form for pitting you and your sister against one another...

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 10/05/2019 22:39

You've no right to be angry. This is their wedding. It's about them and their kids. Not you and yours

The op has every right to be angry! Comments such as these are utterly ridiculous!

PurpleDaisies · 10/05/2019 22:40

If it were me, I’d be a bit sad that my wedding had turned into “the last big event where my dad will be there”. I wouldn’t exclude my sister’s children but I can understand someone not being overjoyed at not necessarily being able to have the day they originally wanted because of his illness.

tinkerbellla · 10/05/2019 22:47

I agree that this is awful and I'd be offended too. I think I would go but not for your sister, for your Dad. Not going (which you would be well within your rights to do) would make your Dad feel bad and if he's really sick you don't want him worrying about you and your sister. I'm saying this as someone who lost thier Dad fairly recently. Who is right or wrong doesn't matter (you are clearly right!) what matters is he thinks all is ok with his family. You can sort it out at another time. I would be gutted too though and I'm not trying to make light of it. Sorry to hear your Dad is so unwell. Hope it all turns out ok xx