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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's Wedding

104 replies

Redditreject · 10/05/2019 16:45

This is my first time but I have been around long enough to know that this topic has been done to death.
I have never had a cross word with my sister. She has been with her partner for five years, everything is fine. He is a lovely man whose first wife left him. My sister has a good relationship with his daughter. There is no drama that you read about on here. The child's mother is accommodating and all is good.
I struggled with fertility and had countless IVF cycles before adopting my child who is six; I then became pregnant naturally and also have a two year old born within weeks of my sister's baby.
I had great aspirations for the kids growing up together but she went back to work and her child is in nursery.
I see my sister in town for lunch and at my mum's but rarely as a family.
My father is now really ill and my sister is getting married because of it. Lots of planning is going on for a small 'classy' wedding. Small venue where ceremony and reception will take place. Her step -daughter is her maid of honour and her own child will be there but a friend's daughter will be there to take her home if it all becomes too much.
Well you have guessed it; my two are not invited. I am devastated...I know it's not my day and I have been married (twice) but I am so upset. This will be the last big event where my dad will be there. My mum has spoken to her and she feels that she wants her step-daughter and her own baby to be 'centre-stage.'
I am really shocked. There's nothing I can do is there? My husband is really angry about it.

OP posts:
seven201 · 10/05/2019 17:24

*invite

Bluetrews25 · 10/05/2019 17:26

Of course you are hurt, but try to be the better person.
Do attend - you don't want to miss being with your DDad on this significant day. Don't bring any bad feeling around him. Try to think of it as an occasion for your DDad and be there for him. And your DMum may well need some support as it will be a very emotional day. Be there for both of them.
Do your DMum and DDad know that half their GCs will not be there?

user1474894224 · 10/05/2019 17:28

On the other hand.....while most of the family run around organising the wedding, you and your kids can spend lots of quality time with your dad. (Let her have her day and don't make a fuss). I am sorry you are going through this.

knowsmorethansnow · 10/05/2019 17:29

I wouldn't go.

Millie2018 · 10/05/2019 17:30

You are going to have to bite the bullet and speak to her yourself. She can easily fob your mum off. Explain why it is so important to you that your children attend. I wouldn’t bring your father into it as she will accuse you of emotional blackmail. Give her your reasons as calmly as you are able. If she still says no, I’d attend but would also feel very upset.

diddl · 10/05/2019 17:30

"This will be the last big event where my dad will be there."

Perhaps you can organise something with you & your sister & the GC?

"I see my sister in town for lunch and at my mum's but rarely as a family."

From that you don't sound very close?

Jaxhog · 10/05/2019 17:30

Yes your sister is entitled to randomly exclude close family members from her wedding but she is not entitled to do so without repercussions.

Under the circumstances, that is truly mean and sad. And the wanting her DCs to be centre stage is just rubbish. SHE will be centre stage as the bride. But it is her choice. For the sake of your Dad, I would go along on your own.

I also don't get the no children at weddings thing. There are ways to minimise the negative aspects (noise etc).

BollocksToBrexit · 10/05/2019 17:32

I wouldn't go to a family wedding if my kids weren't invited.

JaneEyre07 · 10/05/2019 17:33

Given that there is a chance this could be the last family event with your father there, she's being cruel to you.

I would go, just to keep the peace and not upset your Dad but I'd leave straight after the ceremony.

SunshineCake · 10/05/2019 17:34

She's being a bitch and your dad will be hurt. It's important enough for her to want to get married quickly to have him there but not to give him happy memories in his remaining life. Well done her.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2019 17:35

It depends partly on how old your DC are and what their behaviour is like. Some toddlers are an utter, utter nightmare at weddings (screaming, rampaging, poonamis etc) and their parents expect everyone else to think they are adorable. The general whining about faaaaaaaamly seems not to take on board the fact that some people don't want their important day wrecked by someone else's screaming brat.

Teddybear45 · 10/05/2019 17:36

You don’t have to go. I know it’s your dad’s last event but it’s not really a family event if your kids are excluded is it? Explain that you can’t get childcare and decline.

Teddybear45 · 10/05/2019 17:37

I’m guessing your kids are considered prettier than hers, which is why she has declined. That tends to be the main reason family kids are often rejected - she doesn’t want people saying your kids are cuter etc

HJWT · 10/05/2019 17:39

How very very sad.

TrifleAndChampagne · 10/05/2019 17:40

It does seem extraordinary that she'd be planning it with your dad's illness in mind yet not actually inviting his grandkids!!

Totally get your disappointment and bafflement. All you can do is go, make the most of the time with your dad and just shrug off her weirdly excluding his dgc.

Passwordwizard · 10/05/2019 17:40

You can create any event with you dad. Holiday, family meal. This doesn’t have to the last one.

In this situation because if the reasons she has given I’d not go. Your mum should be pulling a strip off her

Dontbeadick · 10/05/2019 17:40

Yanbu to be upset. I would be too. A lot of people are saying that they wouldn't go. Honestly, if it were me, I would still go. As you say, this could be your dad's last event. I would want to avoid a family argument for his sake. But at the end of the day, it's your choice

cornish009 · 10/05/2019 17:40

Oh how sad for your Dad that he cannot share the day with ALL his grandchildren. And how sad for you that you cannot have a (sadly last) family photograph all together.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/05/2019 17:43

I'm sorry OP. She isn't thinking straight but unfortunately there is an industry around brides encouraging them to lose perspective as far as I can see. I think you have to go for the sake of your Dad and family relationships as you are all going to need each other in the next few months. It is very hurtful and sad though.

SuziQ10 · 10/05/2019 17:44

Completely understand why you're upset about this. I would be. To me it seems very selfish of your sister. Your children are part of the close family and it's a shame they don't get to be a part of a special family day.

I would sit her down for a conversation about it and, if it were me, explain that you don't feel you wish to be there if your children are excluded.

You could plan a lovely big summer event of your own with ALL the family invited & included.

BogglesGoggles · 10/05/2019 17:44

Honestly, if my sil barred my kids from her wedding I would be thrilled. Weddings are bad enough as they are but worse with two toddlers. Can you tell I’m a wedding grinch?

TeddybearBaby · 10/05/2019 17:50

I’m so sorry to hear about your dads illness. Your sister seems to be acting out of character from how you’ve described your relationship. I just think it’s a real shame to feel like your children need to be anything, including ‘centre stage’ especially in this scenario 🌷

crosstalk · 10/05/2019 17:56

OP you say "my two are not invited" - isn't it three?
had countless IVF cycles before adopting my child who is six; I then became pregnant naturally and also have a two year old born within weeks of my sister's baby.

So you have a 6 year old and another DC and a 2 year old? At a small venue that's quite a lot of extras. On top of which, if your DD is seriously ill there's a chance he either may not be well enough to go (though I'm sure he'll make every effort) or won't be at the festivities for long.

On top of which I'm not sure why "the last big event where my Dad will be there" trumps your DSis plans to have a small event - especially when you could organise a quiet event for your DD with as many of your family as you wish to come and he can tolerate given your implication he is terminally ill, for which I'm hugely sorry.

MargotSimpson · 10/05/2019 17:57

I agree with PP there’s nothing classy about this. I’d be devastated too. It’s one thing not inviting them because of space, for example. Quite another because she doesn’t want them to upstage her own. It’s disgusting behaviour, frankly. Someone needs to have a serious word with her. I really hope this doesn’t cause a big family falling out for you.

thankyourforthemusic · 10/05/2019 17:59

That is very sad and totally out of order too .
You are not a friend or a extended family member you are her sister and your children are her nieces .
So wrong , things like this tear family's apart .
It is selfish of her and it annoys me that they think it's there day to invite who they please buy you can't leave immediate family out .
You can either speak to her how upset you are and that you can only stay for the ceremony because you need to get back for the children and if she doesn't like that well it's tough .

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