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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister's Wedding

104 replies

Redditreject · 10/05/2019 16:45

This is my first time but I have been around long enough to know that this topic has been done to death.
I have never had a cross word with my sister. She has been with her partner for five years, everything is fine. He is a lovely man whose first wife left him. My sister has a good relationship with his daughter. There is no drama that you read about on here. The child's mother is accommodating and all is good.
I struggled with fertility and had countless IVF cycles before adopting my child who is six; I then became pregnant naturally and also have a two year old born within weeks of my sister's baby.
I had great aspirations for the kids growing up together but she went back to work and her child is in nursery.
I see my sister in town for lunch and at my mum's but rarely as a family.
My father is now really ill and my sister is getting married because of it. Lots of planning is going on for a small 'classy' wedding. Small venue where ceremony and reception will take place. Her step -daughter is her maid of honour and her own child will be there but a friend's daughter will be there to take her home if it all becomes too much.
Well you have guessed it; my two are not invited. I am devastated...I know it's not my day and I have been married (twice) but I am so upset. This will be the last big event where my dad will be there. My mum has spoken to her and she feels that she wants her step-daughter and her own baby to be 'centre-stage.'
I am really shocked. There's nothing I can do is there? My husband is really angry about it.

OP posts:

MargotSimpson · 10/05/2019 18:00

Also I’d be so upset by this that I don’t think I could go.

CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 18:04

This will be the last big event where my dad will be there. My mum has spoken to her and she feels that she wants her step-daughter and her own baby to be 'centre-stage.'

That really is so pathetic. Her kids can be centre stage by being bridesmaids or being at the top table or by being on a giant stage while all the guests bow down before them, she doesn't need to exclude your dad's other grandchildren. Horrible behaviour.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2019 18:06

I get no kid weddings but this is different. This is a hurried wedding so their Dad can be there, surely having all the family there is part of that, not "ooh but people might look at DSis children instead of mine!!"

Crunched · 10/05/2019 18:09

If she were doing this for your Father as she states she is, then of course your DC would have been invited. It sounds like the wedding is what she wants - a showcase of her family being wonderfully thoughtful when it is, in fact, an empty gesture. Surely your Father (and DM) would love to have all the GC together for maybe the last time.
Decline, and plan some lovely times with your DPs while you can.

Youseethethingis · 10/05/2019 18:14

I think she should drop the pretence that any of this at all is about your poor dad. I’m sure he would adore, more than anything else in the entire world, to see his WHOLE family together for a lovely, happy celebration. But it’s not about the family, it’s about the Bride. Fine. She should at lest have the decency to be honest.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 18:17

You can't blame her for wanting a child-free wedding, she can't very well not invite hers, but others are different.

She is rushing to include your dad, which is lovely. Of course, you would love your own kids, but it's not your day, it's your sister's. She might have had other plans, it will be very emotional because of your dad, isn't she allowed to have a little bit of her day? It's Her wedding.

You are being very unreasonable to want to get the attention back to your family. You said you have already been married twice. Time to let your sister having her own time, don't you think?

PersonaNonGarter · 10/05/2019 18:19

That’s fine. Don’t go.

sailorcherries · 10/05/2019 18:22

This isn't about the sister wanting a child free wedding, this is the sister not wanting any attention to be on any other children apart from her own - she is excluding the children to achieve this.

Given her wedding is being rushed to ensure your father has one last family gathering she is being shitty and pathetic. No one is looking at this day as a your kid Vs my kid (apart from her). I'd definitely let her know.

crosstalk I read it as two kids - one 6 year old who was adopted and another child which OP conceived naturally and was born close to DSis child, who is now 2.

Coffeeonthesofa · 10/05/2019 18:25

what if your sister had not decided to bring forward/ plan her wedding so your dad would be able to attend? You would probably have wanted to have a different kind of last family get together.
Let your sister have the wedding she wants, you go or don’t go as is your choice then plan something else.
My dad was diagnosed as terminal one summer a few years ago and we were told we would be lucky to still have him at Christmas, cue a big family Christmas which involved a lot of compromises, as my sister is very difficult. We were lucky( my dad totally beat the odds and lived for two years after his diagnosis) we had quite a few “last whatever” with my dad, some events we were all together, some not smaller get togethers were easier for my dad and gave everyone the chance for some one to one with him to say everything that they wanted to say, all were precious and helped our kids have memories of their grandad. Our actual last event, not planned as such was a family treasure hunt and picnic in the back garden it was beautiful.
My sister doesn’t talk to the rest of us now, her choice, and my dad who was no fool knew this would probably happen, but what would have been the benefit of a big falling out before he died, my mum needed all of our support at that time, she was losing her husband of 50 plus years. The last thing she needed was us falling out.
Can’t you be the better person and not let your mum and dad’s last precious time together be caught in a family battle.

BentBaastard · 10/05/2019 18:30

I think I would buy beautiful dresses for my children and watch her get married and then go out for lunch with dh and my own family.

What a nasty thing to do.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 18:38

his isn't about the sister wanting a child free wedding, this is the sister not wanting any attention to be on any other children apart from her own

and that's wrong because...?
It's her wedding, it might even be her fist wedding. Let her be and enjoy her own day.

Hidethecrisps · 10/05/2019 18:42

I will never understand this thinking. Yes don’t invite children of friends etc I agree you don’t want your wedding vows ruined by a screaming baby, but to me weddings are family occasions where generations mix, young together with old, you get together to celebrate love and the family growing. It’s one of the few times photos are taken with everyone as treasured keepsakes. Why would you leave any close family out if you weren’t on bad terms whatever their age?

Yabbers · 10/05/2019 18:43

and that's wrong because...? It's her wedding, it might even be her fist wedding. Let her be and enjoy her own day.

Because it sends the message that her nieces and nephews aren’t important enough to her to include them in a celebration where all other family/friends are invited. And that’s shit.

This whole “it’s her day’ thing is modern bullshit which gives a free pass to someone to be a selfish git.

diddl · 10/05/2019 18:53

"Because it sends the message that her nieces and nephews aren’t important enough to her to include them"

And I think people with that opinion that this is shit would think it regardless of her father's situation.

sailorcherries · 10/05/2019 18:54

Pamela it's wrong because she is purposely excluding two small children, her own family, because of jealousy which could take one of the last happy family memories away from her family.

Why is it right to punish children because you are scared someone might think they look better than your own? That's what she's doing.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 18:54

This whole “it’s her day’ thing is modern bullshit which gives a free pass to someone to be a selfish git.

for crying out loud, someone is getting married once, aren't they allowed to have their one day?

The modern lack of parenting and modern unruly children allowed to spoil anything and everything might have something to do with it.

I love my kids, but I completely respect the fact that they are not the centre of everybody's else world.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 18:57

Why is it right to punish children because you are scared someone might think they look better than your own?

they are 6 and 2, they don't even need to know about the wedding, they are not punished because they miss a wedding.

I can't see ever getting upset because my kids are not invited to any adult party or celebration. Again, they don't have to be the centre of attention to everybody else. they are my world, not anyone else's.

sailorcherries · 10/05/2019 18:57

Pamela and that's fine but the couple say it's a child free wedding. No one is disputing that.

What we are disputing is the reason behind not inviting OPs kids - her own kids need to be centre stage and therefore niece and nephew can't come.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 18:58

her own kids need to be centre stage and therefore niece and nephew can't come.

and again, on her own wedding day, sounds reasonable to me. It's HER wedding.

I cant' understand people who get married and have a big do when they already have children to be honest, but I respect their right to have their own day, might be the only one they ever got.

TeddybearBaby · 10/05/2019 18:58

I’ve never understood the whole ‘my wedding, I’m the only person in the universe’ way of thinking. When I got married I really wanted people to enjoy themselves, know how important they are to me. I’d have hated to offend or upset anyone.

sailorcherries · 10/05/2019 18:58

They are being punished - it may be the last family gathering with their grandfather. Their cousins will have lovely pictures and memories but they won't because aunty doesn't want them there in case they take some attention off of her own kids.

There is a difference between a child free wedding and a slightly neurotic and jealous woman.

NoSauce · 10/05/2019 18:58

The OP dads illness makes this situation very different. It’s a family gathering. The OPs children should definitely be there. Only someone really thoughtless and unkind would insist they can’t be there too. The more I think about it the more I think I wouldn’t go.

PamelaX · 10/05/2019 19:03

The more I think about it the more I think I wouldn’t go.

so you would punish the very ill dad and try to make it all about you?
I wouldn't.

and to the other poster, a 2 year old and a 6 year old don't need a wedding to have lovely memories. A 2 year old won't remember anything for a start. It's a pity people can't let go of the attention for one day, and let others like siblings have their time.

Purpleartichoke · 10/05/2019 19:04

She is allowed a child free wedding, especially if the event is local and your children are older, so using a sitter is less problematic.

What about hosting a family party another time. Perhaps even adjacent to the wedding. A brunch the day after the wedding can be extra time for everyone to socialize.

NoSauce · 10/05/2019 19:07

Yes, in the the OPs shoes I wouldn’t want to leave my two young children out of such an important family gathering because of my selfish sister.

I would arrange to do something special for my dad that included my children. How anyone could do this to their sister when their dad is so ill is despicable.

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