To ask for help about MIL.

[SciFiScream]

I love my MIL. She's terminally ill. Secondary cancer in four places. We're managing this as best we can with palliative care and the support of a local hospice.

The big problem is her legs, the swelling - one leg in particular she can hardly move.

We have a wheelchair for taking her out but in her home (she's alone) she can barely move due to this bloody leg.

She can't lift her leg, or turn her leg. She's scared of falling.

We're having real problems finding slippers that she can get on and she can move in.

Her feet are so swollen too, she's so incapacitated that she struggles putting them on.

The slippers need to be easy to put on, easy to move in, the sole can't be too thick (as she can't lift her leg). Style is still a bit important too

Help suggest some slippers??? Other solutions??

She got so frustrated today she was crying and my heart broke.

If you click on “foot health” it suggests footwear for different conditions, and they were very helpful re my Mum.

These aren't actually slippers but are supposedly very comfy shoes

Contact Macmillan?

Definitely ask the GP and the hospital about assessment for a care package - agree about a District Nursing team visit routine.

Also: www.cosyfeet.com/womens-extra-wide-footwear/cosyfeet-slippers

The swelling in the leg is very likely due to tumour causing pressure on blood vessels and lymphatic drainage vessels so fluid is unable to move out of the leg at the required rate. You can't medicate for that.
If it's not a DVT, and kidney function is ok, then lymphoedema specialists might be able to help. Ask at your hospice. There aren't a lot of them around.
She could probably do with a commode near to the chair so she doesn't have as far to go to get to the loo.
And definitely look into getting a package of care - speak to Macmillan nurse or GP to get process started - she could probably do with a few visits a day - maximum available is 4.
Other alternative for footwear is mens' pool shoes - velcro fastenings, wide, very adjustable and should be in the shops/supermarkets now.
Please take care of yourself, too, OP.

We're all rallying round her, I've just agreed with my DH (her son) that he'll go round Monday and Wednesday, we all go over on Friday and we'll do a day at the weekend.

We've not been offered any district nurse support so I'll ask about that.

Her daughter goes round lots (she lives closer) and her husband (they are separated but still close, friendly and there for each other) goes round too (though he has his own mobility problems!)

There's loads of help she's just not ready to accept yet, but probably will in a few weeks. She's quite good like that. Stubborn at first, takes time to think about the idea and then comes round.

We're batch cooking too and doing her shopping as well. (She's not ready for the ready meals)

To clarify she needs a slipper that will slip along the carpet. Other shoes get stuck and she can't lift her leg at all.

She's not ready for continence support.

She has tumours in the lungs, oesophagus, lymph nodes and stomach.

The constant walking to the toilet is good for her we think. Stops her becoming too immobile.

I'll ask about the other supports, though we had to wait a few weeks before she would agree to the zimmer and wheelchair.

So maybe if I suggest now, we'll be able to up the support in four to six weeks

This makes me terrified of getting old and losing my mobility.

She was so active before. Walked for quite long distances, on and off buses. Gardening.

She's always been a wonderful MIL, really wonderful. When my DH proposed she wrote me a long letter (which I still have) telling me how much she loved me, how she hoped her son would want to be with me, and how she would always treat me like her own daughter (which is lovely because my Mum died when I was 8).

She put the love out there, so she's going to get it back ten-fold.

Oh dear! I am SO sorry to hear this. Even if she isn’t ready to accept help, please make sure you have the contact details and referrals in place as things can change very rapidly. Do you have any contact with the palliative care team at all? Who is looking after her meds?

Has she had full assessments?
Has an OT visited to look at the environment? District nurse?
What is she sleeping on. If she is sitting a lot does she have pressure relief
Does she have a profile bed? She may be eligible and that would help elevate her legs

She sounds like a lovely lady, OP.

She's had OT assessments they've done physio with her and given her exercises (which she will do, she's that sort of woman)

As well as wide and easy to get on, the slipper sole can't be too thick and it must glide across carpet) the leg drags, she can't lift it.

We've bought slippers like in the links above but they were too grippy, so toady we had Timpsons put a sloppy sole on but now the sole is too thick. They did glide but she couldn't lift one leg too glide it forward. I was on the floor pushing her bad leg gently so that she could go and sit back down again.

Will she get care of the elderly support if she's receiving palliative support? No one has mentioned that.

The only bed option now is a full on hospital bed and that won't work but I can't remember why (something about she can't swing her legs round onto it, even when it's low.

Honestly if the leg fell off tomorrow (with no other problems, like a wobbly tooth's falls out) she's be so much happier. This leg is a hindrance.

Oh above when I mention a husband. It's my MIL's husband. Not the daughters!

MIL and DIL separated a long time ago but never divorced. They are still loving but not a couple. The success of that changed relationship is all down to MIL's grace and love.

My dad was dying of heart failure and had very swollen ankles and feet. I used to bathe his feet in a bowl of warm water and massage them with foot cream. That really, really helped him. Would she like something like that?

I hate feet. I can't do that for her. My DH will, her daughter will. She's also been having some reflexology (practitioner is a trained nurse too) and she finds that really helpful.

Thanks for sharing all your good ideas and for those who have learned so much through caring for the own loved ones.

It's so hard.

Her recent text to me:

Thanku so much 4 sorting out shoe and thinking of Macaroni 4 me. My son has a wife in a million. U r jst wonderful 2 me and i love u so much. XX

What about some crocs, the ones with the lining so they’re slipper like? www.amazon.co.uk/Crocs-Classic-Blitzen-Oatmeal-Women/dp/B01N7KD8ZB/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?hvlocphy=9045300&hvnetw=g&keywords=crocs+with+lining&hvadid=259149561107&qid=1557505826&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqoztqLGR4gIVhrHtCh3sZgsqEAAYAiAAEgJHqfD_BwE&s=gateway&hydadcr=25009_1816987&hvpos=1t2&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-313982618386&adgrpid=52354726799&hvrand=15411191379330003333&sr=8-3 I had a ridiculous amount of fluid retention with my first pregnancy and could only wear crocs.

Hope you find something suitable

Sorry just seen your update! Glad you found something for her, and she’s right you’re a star

It's so sad isn't it op, my mum is similar, she doesn't have cancer but she is in heart and kidney failure and has mobility issues similar to your mil. She has always been a very strong, very intelligent woman, to see her in this reduced state is very hard. Your mil sounds fab and so do you.

www.cosyfeet.com/womens-extra-wide-footwear/cosyfeet-slippers/rowan#.XNWqQh7TU0M this sort of envalope style would work for extremrly swollen feet.

We haven't got anything for her yet. Those slippers are too grippy. They need to slide.

Thanks though. Keep ideas coming. I'll check all the links out.

I am a specialist in this area. As someone said up thread sleeping in the chair is making her situation much worse. To get swelling off she would need a hospital bed that allows her to recline with feet above level of her heart. I’f the swelling does improve she would benefit from a graduated compression stocking

I know this may be overly simplistic, but can you put a sheet of paper over the sole of the shoe? It's thin, slippery and although it won't last long it's easily replaced.

You sound lovely, as does she.
The last stages of life are awful sometimes and you are helping her maintain her dignity by letting her decide when to take the next step. How kind you are

I would suggest slipper socks with a cut in the top to prevent them being too tight around the ankle

I get Mil’s shoes from Widerfeet . She has 2v width but they go upto 6v . She doesn’t like slippers for the reason you give - too grippy . But wears light stretchy shoes .
They are an incredibly helpful firm . You can order 3 pairs and pay £5 p&p but that enables you to return and reorder as many times as you need too.
Mil is a stylish and proud 95 year old and it took her a while to get used to not wearing court shoes . Her podiatrist recommended these as they have a very deep toe box .
CLICKY LINK
You can get them vat free over a certain width .

The chair can elevate her legs above her heart. Her agreeing to do that is a bit more complicated!

She's best bare feet, though one of her toes folds under the foot (it's awful to see) so I've suggested taping that toe to the next toe like a splint.

But bare foot she sticks on the vinyl floor in the kitchen...so I think we might get carpet put down. However yucky it might end up. She'd be able to walk on it barefoot.

We've got off cuts of carpet that might do.

I was thinking about sticking some of that fablon stuff to the bottom of her shoe. Might still try that.

I was thinking along similar lines like the non stick liners from Lakeland but the how would you stick it on ? But yes fablon might work .
By the way you sound lovely . My mil is wonderful but still drives me bonkers !