AIBU to be so angry that ex won’t consent to name change?

[Surfamamma]

My ex is refusing to provide consent to change 4yr old DS surname (which is ex’s surname) to mine.

We have been split up 2 years (never married). I desperately wanted relationship to work when DS was born so suggested DS take ex’s name at time of birth. Ex has DS every second weekend and occasional holidays and pays nominal maintenance. Ex does not undertake undertake any of the practicalities associated with raising DS.

I’m so angry he has refused and it’s consuming me and would appreciate some mumsnet advice.

As a back story to qualify this rage, DS was unplanned, Ex didn’t want child but I wanted to keep the baby, and he reluctantly told us to move in with him (he lives in a very remote part of the country). After birth he basically refused to help both me and DS for 15 months leaving me with no support (I had no family and friends in the area) and complained we had ruined his life. He provided a roof over our head but little else. I left several times but ended up coming back as had no money or place to live.

After 15 months ex decides DS is quite fun and convenient now and starts to take more of an interest. However damage to relationship is done and I make plans to leave properly, with ex furious that I might take DS back to mainland. I agree to stay on island and buy a house on the same remote location.

Lack of dependable childcare makes me unemployable however I build a company on part time childcare hours through blood and sweat, working every hour I can often till after midnight every day then getting DS up for nursery. Im now established and financially secure but it has been extremely challenging and stressful. I feel I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for my child and to meet ex’s demands to stay on the island for access. Ex’s priority is “enjoying his life” and given up nothing whilst enjoying daily water sports and leisure time, yet he feels entitled that our son should retain his name despite his minor role in his upbringing. What can I do to either force this, or should I accept that I will forever have to write ex’s name on everything from fluoride forms to passport applications?

Could you just deed poll your surname to match your son’s if he won’t allow the other change?

Presumably your DS will know his dad as he grows up and can choose to change his surname to yours as an adult if he doesn't want the link with his dad or any name he chooses

You can apply to to the courts but I doubt you’ll be successful

But I also think this is more about you and the importance you place on the name and anger associated with it.

It really doesn’t matter in the long rum

If you never married do you need his permission? Different circumstances but I changed my sons surname to my DHs when we got married, we had to get a Justice if the Peace to sign something g stating he was known as thst name at school, doctors etc. We are in Scotland.

Don’t let it consume you. You are unlikely to be able to force his hand so it’s wasted headspace. I would ask to double barrel as a compromise (he’ll struggle to argue against that) or as a PP says, change or double barrel yours.

I would just deed poll your name to include your surname and your sons surname. See it as his name.. Therefore your family name. That's what I did. Don't even associate it with my ex anymore. Its mine and my sons name he's irrelevant.

Sorry but it was your mistake, you made the wrong decision. Perhaps you're angry with yourself?

Your ex has clearly been a twat all along so it should hardly be surprising that he's refused.

Perhaps you could try going to court and getting your surname added.

Also name is least of your worries, I would focus on moving if possible

No court in the land will want to waste time dealing with such an issue. The man is not abusive and is actually having regular contact and paying maintenance so as far as the court would be concerned there is no reason that it would be in the child's interest for the name to be changed. On the contary, the hassle that any name change can cause when filling out forms etc means the best interests of the child are clearly in retaining the current name (noting that the child could choose to change their own name once they become an adult). Therefore YABU and you need to accept that there is much more to a child than their surname and in the grand scheme of things what surname he has is not really that important.

childlawadvice.org.uk/changing-a-childs-surname/

This is just you trying to get one over on your Ex, tough shit OP. You cannot change your DC surname without consent of the other parent. He has as much right to be part of your child's life as you, and your child has as much right to be named after both parents.

Put your Dc interest first instead of letting your clear hate for your ex consume you.

I went through all that. Deed poll wont change a child's name without both parents authorisation. I had to wait until my two DC reached 16 years old then we changed it.

However, we unofficially changed it with schools, doctors, dentists etc until they reached 16 years old.

You made the mistake in the first instance, as a pp said, by giving your dc the df's surname. All you can do now is leave it and dc will change it if they choose to.

Firefly Except Dc is not named by both parents.

I sympathise with you DP, but there is nothing you can do.
Mothers need to give their children their surname as a matter of course.

Yes, unreasonable.That's his son. He is your child's father. Double barrell it and let the boy choose when he is 16. Why confuse him, he does have contact. Push him and he could exercise pr. get your own life up and running again then it won't seem so important.

Thanks for the feedback, I’m aware the courts would not touch this issue, user2928362. However a surname is a key part of someone’s identity so i do think it is important.

Just finding it difficult to accept that he feels entitled to have a primary role in DSs identity when he has never had anything more than a minor role in his life, and rejected him for a very long time.

Suggestions to double barrel are very helpful, thank you!

You can't do anything about it. Try to stop thinking of it as your ex's name and start thinking of it as your son's name.

*Missingstreetlife( Don't suggest to the OP that pr is an issue here. He would not get it, and would be unlikely to want it.

How bizarre that you have to ask whether you’re unreasonable for being angry that he has an opinion contrary to yours. That he doesn’t agree to remove his name from his child.

Take a long hard look in the mirror.

Of course she is NBU to be angry about this.

From reading AnotherEmma's link, it might be worth trying to change it by Deed Poll if your ex is not on the birth certificate (which automatically gives him Parental Responsibility). He may or may not decide to contest it legally after the fact.

It is natural to be angry. However, like it or not, whatever the childcare arrangements are and however much you resent him you need to accept that he is still your child's dad. Whether he deserves to be or not is another matter.

I know it seems unfair. Unfortunately this is life. Your child will know everything you have done for them when they are older. Being resentful is only going to impact you all negatively. I don't think it is the name that is the problem but the resentment you feel towards him. It's this that needs addressing.

I understand you rage, but I don't think there is anything you can do. Birthcerts and names are very difficult to change. I do think you should make peace with it and save your energy for the next inevitable battle. Your son may adore his dad when older and he'll hold it as a shot against you, if you change it now., stay calm and pick the battles.

I’ve always had my deadbeat “Father’s” surname. It hasn’t altered my sense of self though. I’m 31 this year and still retain that name because it’s mine. It’s the name I always had, I don’t draw any parallels between it and my “Father”. I had the chance to change it when my Grandparents offered me their surname (as they raised me, my brother and sister) and I declined because I was fairly young and it “just didn’t sound right” because I already had my name.

I guess what I’m trying to say OP is that, whilst I fully appreciate your points and reasons for wanting to change your DS’s surname, it shouldn’t affect his sense of self or identity. I keep my fingers crossed that you can get the double barrel name sorted as that sounds like the best suggestion

Thanks bitoffun, he is on the birth certificate but I was not aware of the ‘known as’ name in AnotherEmma’s link.

I’ve been really stewing and overthinking this issue. The feedback here - positive and negative- have helped dissipate this and given a bit more clarity, feel less wronged by the whole thing after a good number of YBU comments! Cheers Mumsnetters