AIBU to be so angry that ex won’t consent to name change?

[Surfamamma]

My ex is refusing to provide consent to change 4yr old DS surname (which is ex’s surname) to mine.

We have been split up 2 years (never married). I desperately wanted relationship to work when DS was born so suggested DS take ex’s name at time of birth. Ex has DS every second weekend and occasional holidays and pays nominal maintenance. Ex does not undertake undertake any of the practicalities associated with raising DS.

I’m so angry he has refused and it’s consuming me and would appreciate some mumsnet advice.

As a back story to qualify this rage, DS was unplanned, Ex didn’t want child but I wanted to keep the baby, and he reluctantly told us to move in with him (he lives in a very remote part of the country). After birth he basically refused to help both me and DS for 15 months leaving me with no support (I had no family and friends in the area) and complained we had ruined his life. He provided a roof over our head but little else. I left several times but ended up coming back as had no money or place to live.

After 15 months ex decides DS is quite fun and convenient now and starts to take more of an interest. However damage to relationship is done and I make plans to leave properly, with ex furious that I might take DS back to mainland. I agree to stay on island and buy a house on the same remote location.

Lack of dependable childcare makes me unemployable however I build a company on part time childcare hours through blood and sweat, working every hour I can often till after midnight every day then getting DS up for nursery. Im now established and financially secure but it has been extremely challenging and stressful. I feel I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for my child and to meet ex’s demands to stay on the island for access. Ex’s priority is “enjoying his life” and given up nothing whilst enjoying daily water sports and leisure time, yet he feels entitled that our son should retain his name despite his minor role in his upbringing. What can I do to either force this, or should I accept that I will forever have to write ex’s name on everything from fluoride forms to passport applications?

However a surname is a key part of someone’s identity so i do think it is important

right so you want him to have your identity but it doesn't matter about his dads?

theres nothing you can do unless you are arsed taking him to court over it, and tbh i doubt you'd win.

you could change your own name to match your sons?

I think YABU to want to change his surname at all. It is his name, it doesn't matter how many hours of hard work you have put into getting up for nursery. He can decide when he's older whether he wants to keep it or not.

The OP has come to terms with this.
But no I don't think a useless father should get to give a child his name.
I do think mothers should always name newborns after their surname. Lots of fathers walk away or end up being useless and it is the mum who is left holding the baby.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to travel with children who have a different surname to you. I was advised by UK immigration that I should carry both birth certificate and a letter from the named father agreeing to their travel (and this was on a school ski trip!) so I would get that in a legally binding form from your ex now.

The child's father doesn't sound over invested in his child, and for ease of passage through life just introduce him as Johnny Yoursurname, and seriously consider leaving the island.

Travel overseas or proving his identity is going to be an issue if you don't legally change it though..

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. Although I can understand why.

I was expecting to read that your ex has no contact with you son and refuses to see him etc, not that he's actually involved in his life and pays maintainance etc.

If he's a father to your son, he probably wants him to have his name as much as you want him to have yours

Also I have a different surname to my DC and we travel frequently. The only comment I have ever had at the airport was once, the man at security asked 'You have different surnames?' and I just said, 'Yeah, DC has their fathers surname.' He said 'oh, ok'. And that was it. So if it is a problem I've never seen any sign of it.

Just do a deed poll. Lots of places accept it even though its for a child. Then the name is changed.

If he takes you to court after then so be it. But move before you do it and is he really going to know.

This is why a mother should never give the child any other surname but her own unless they are married or double barrelled. It's just not worth the stress when split and it not nice having a different surname form the resident parent.

Just do a deed poll. Lots of places accept it even though its for a child. Then the name is changed

You can’t ‘just do a deedpoll’ for a child whose father has PR. Everyone with PR has to agree or a court has to give permission

And if it was a Dad who wanted to changed a child’s name in the same situation such advice would never be given

Also the names and difficulty travelling is a lot of nonsense. Many communities have, for years, had children with names different from their mother.

It is getting more difficult to travel with children, regardless of names, because security is getting tighter. My kids that share my name (they don’t all) were asked who they were travelling with the last time. It’s just security.