AIBU to be so angry that ex won’t consent to name change?

[Surfamamma]

My ex is refusing to provide consent to change 4yr old DS surname (which is ex’s surname) to mine.

We have been split up 2 years (never married). I desperately wanted relationship to work when DS was born so suggested DS take ex’s name at time of birth. Ex has DS every second weekend and occasional holidays and pays nominal maintenance. Ex does not undertake undertake any of the practicalities associated with raising DS.

I’m so angry he has refused and it’s consuming me and would appreciate some mumsnet advice.

As a back story to qualify this rage, DS was unplanned, Ex didn’t want child but I wanted to keep the baby, and he reluctantly told us to move in with him (he lives in a very remote part of the country). After birth he basically refused to help both me and DS for 15 months leaving me with no support (I had no family and friends in the area) and complained we had ruined his life. He provided a roof over our head but little else. I left several times but ended up coming back as had no money or place to live.

After 15 months ex decides DS is quite fun and convenient now and starts to take more of an interest. However damage to relationship is done and I make plans to leave properly, with ex furious that I might take DS back to mainland. I agree to stay on island and buy a house on the same remote location.

Lack of dependable childcare makes me unemployable however I build a company on part time childcare hours through blood and sweat, working every hour I can often till after midnight every day then getting DS up for nursery. Im now established and financially secure but it has been extremely challenging and stressful. I feel I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for my child and to meet ex’s demands to stay on the island for access. Ex’s priority is “enjoying his life” and given up nothing whilst enjoying daily water sports and leisure time, yet he feels entitled that our son should retain his name despite his minor role in his upbringing. What can I do to either force this, or should I accept that I will forever have to write ex’s name on everything from fluoride forms to passport applications?

Collaborate

I'm sure OP's mirror had a far more pleasant reflection than yours .

Dnephew changed his by deedpoll to his Mums maiden name as soon as he was 16. His DSister has kept hers so far.

A friend of mine did “known as” at school. We only found out on a school trip because her passport still had her bio father’s surname. You can use any name that it’s illegal. Just use your name in general.

If their birthday is September-April, change by deed poll and all the certificates will be as if he always had your surname. (Not sure it’s that simple if their birthday is during/after exams).

Isn’t illegal I.e. not a celebrity or a swear word.

The name is a red herring.
You are rightly angry because you are limited to the remote location, your life chances are very limited there from what you have said. He meanwhile had it all watersports, sees child when he feels like it, free to do as he pleases.

I would move back to the mainland to a life that I wanted, with job propers, friends and family.
My life would not be revolving around a man who let us down do much in the early days,

You need to follow your own dreams and career. You have your whole life ahead of you, move on. Change your sons name by deed poll,sell up and start living a life that has a future.

Your angry will disappear I assure you.

Sorry for typos!

Oh please don't go down the "known as" route. My parents did that for me for random reasons (not relevant) so I always had one legal name but was known as another and over the years that has been a massive hassle - the "known as" name crept onto some legal documents (like my GCSE certificates, for example) that then don't match my legal name. This meant I couldn't get a a student bank account at one point as my student ID was in my "known as" name and not my legal name. I have had cheques sent to me I couldn't cash due to two names, I've had issues collecting parcels from the post office. In the end I changed my name to the "known as" by deed poll except that isn't actually legally accepted in Scotland so I had to pay more money to have an affidavit done by a solicitor to get my name changed on my house deeds to renew my mortgage (which then delayed the mortgage coming through too).

It's just such a total pain and I really wish my parents had never done it.

Courts can and do consider applications for a court order to change a child's name. You'd have to apply and pay the fee like anyone else of course. Probably do better with a double barrel than full on change.

Forest. Thanks for your post. My son is known as a different but similar name from his birth certificate (ie birth certificate says Samual Glover-Porter, but he’s known at nursery etc as Sam Glover . So that’s something for me to think about when he goes to school

I had that done to me.it caused no end of confusion at school and with jobs .i was 7 and my mum decided I had to take my step dads name..they I ended up living with him for my GCSE years and those certificates are in his surname.it was a fuck up..I’m now married with another surname..it does effect your sense of identity,it did mine.

Another one just saying the “known as” can cause a lot more hassle once an adult - DP has it just with his first name and it causes all sorts of issues; I imagine with a surname it would be even worse. His parents always intended on calling him by his “known as” name and he doesn’t understand why they set him up for a lifetime of hassle by doing it!

Sorry that wasnt clear ..I mean I took my step dads name ,then had to use my first surname as I was back with my dad briefly ,then I got married.so 3 surnames

a surname is a key part of someone’s identity so i do think it is important.

Indeed it is OP. Which is why you choose it carefully and don't change it when your relationship sours.

I think your angry with yourself for giving in to your ex..I think you should reclaim your life and move

People can use different names from those on their birth certificates. Most schools have a 'known as' box on their paperwork that is usually used for nicknames, but which can be used for full names. If you are the only one dealing with school etc, then just inform them that he is known by your surname. When he is older he can decide what he wants. He can do this before taking GCSEs so that they are in his chosen surname, because a court would take his opinion into account by the time he is a teenager.

It really is just a name and not that important. I know you are angry at your sons father (rightly so) but I think you are just fixating on this particular issue in a subconscious effort to contain your anger. Just try to move on with your life.

Completely agree MummyLamb and some of these responses really unneccessary - just shows how many people can't give an opinion without resorting to rudeness.

OP, YANBU but I do think it's true that if you can't change it, don't let it consume you. No, he doesn't really deserve for your son to have his name, but he does have it, so if you can't change it, just remember, when your son's an adult he'll be able to see who did what for him in his life, and that means more than what he's called.

I havent read the thread, but your problem isnt the name change. it is being stuck on an island for the next 12-14 years with limited employment prospects. As you have to be financially independent. I would move to the mainland before your child starts school. What will happen for secondary school anyway?

OP you sound very angry and resentful. Let it go, don't think of it as your exs name more as your sons name. Your son may choose to change it when he is older or may choose to keep it as he still has a relationship with his father.

I think you need to work on yourself a bit, it sounds as if you were in love with your ex and wanted it work but he didn't feel the same. It doesn't sound as if you were quite over him when you left as you agreed to stay in a remote location for him. Sometimes it takes a long time to get over someone and part of that is anger at their behaviour - is this part of you realising you will not have the future with your ex that you dreamed of?

I may be off the mark, but like I said it sounds as if you are really angry at your ex.

Pick your battles, I'd focus less on the name and more on getting decent maintenance. Name means nothing and your DS can change it himself when he's older if his DF is as much of an arse as you say. Getting fair maintenance would improve both of your lives in a material way. I'd also leave the Island and move somewhere where you have more support.

If it helps reassure you OP, my DC have my ex Hs surname. I use my married name still as it's my name and has been for 20 years at work and everyone else knows me as that.

My XH is epitomy of rich deadbeat dad who rarely turns up for contact, constantly let's DC down, lies to them and they are mightily fed up of him and have been so for years . There are so many other reasons too.

I know it's not the same as I was married and you chose to give DS your DPs surname and not yours. That was the time you could decide and it has passed now.
But my my DC and I, on paper, would have every reason to want to not use his surname, except none of us see it like that. It's their names, their identity, my name & identity now, and I don't see it as being his name at all. It's ours. Infact it doesn't even cross my mind unless someone asks me. A four year old knows their name by now and it is who your child is.

my situation was same as yours. Mine were a bit older( but still in primary school)but wanted to change to my surname so we just did it, not official or anything, just 'now known as' . School etc all accepted it as their name. As we were going through courts for access arrangements etc at the time, ex decided within a year he wasn't having this. Court suggested strongly we double barrel, so that's what happened for a couple of years.

As the kids got older they decided that they were going to dig their heels in about this and go against court order (both still in school) so they changed it back again to mine using a free online deed poll. It's been their name since and is now on everything, (passports etc accepted the print out deed poll) and ex never contested it as he knew they would ignore what the courts said if he contested it.

You can't change your DC's name without the father's consent and vice versa - you would not want him to be able to change the name either if you did not agree.

If he won't agree, you either need to apply to Court to change the name or change yours if you want both of you to have the same name or suck it up until DC is old enough.

See if ex will agree to double-barrelled. If not tell him you are changing your name to his. He may not like that any may relent on the double-barrel option.

I think this is a case of 'what's done is done'. Best to accept and move on. You can start double barrelling at school if you want, but on all official paperwork it will be his official name. Your son is too young to have an opinion, so why not wait to see what he wants to do when he's older.

Your fixating your anger on this issue, won't be doing you any good I'm afraid.

You don’t have to officially change a name to be known as another. You can legally be called what you want.

You will have to keep legal documents the same but you can be know at school, bank, doctors etc by whatever you choose. Just do it.