AIBU to be so angry that ex won’t consent to name change?

[Surfamamma]

My ex is refusing to provide consent to change 4yr old DS surname (which is ex’s surname) to mine.

We have been split up 2 years (never married). I desperately wanted relationship to work when DS was born so suggested DS take ex’s name at time of birth. Ex has DS every second weekend and occasional holidays and pays nominal maintenance. Ex does not undertake undertake any of the practicalities associated with raising DS.

I’m so angry he has refused and it’s consuming me and would appreciate some mumsnet advice.

As a back story to qualify this rage, DS was unplanned, Ex didn’t want child but I wanted to keep the baby, and he reluctantly told us to move in with him (he lives in a very remote part of the country). After birth he basically refused to help both me and DS for 15 months leaving me with no support (I had no family and friends in the area) and complained we had ruined his life. He provided a roof over our head but little else. I left several times but ended up coming back as had no money or place to live.

After 15 months ex decides DS is quite fun and convenient now and starts to take more of an interest. However damage to relationship is done and I make plans to leave properly, with ex furious that I might take DS back to mainland. I agree to stay on island and buy a house on the same remote location.

Lack of dependable childcare makes me unemployable however I build a company on part time childcare hours through blood and sweat, working every hour I can often till after midnight every day then getting DS up for nursery. Im now established and financially secure but it has been extremely challenging and stressful. I feel I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for my child and to meet ex’s demands to stay on the island for access. Ex’s priority is “enjoying his life” and given up nothing whilst enjoying daily water sports and leisure time, yet he feels entitled that our son should retain his name despite his minor role in his upbringing. What can I do to either force this, or should I accept that I will forever have to write ex’s name on everything from fluoride forms to passport applications?

Thanks KellyW88 that’s massively helpful! I feel like it’s been eating me up for months and I’ve lost all perspective!

Following on from KellyW88’s point, I also had my alcoholic fathers surname and didn’t care for it- but also didn’t change it as it felt weird to do it and despite everything I did associate with it.

Just changed it after getting married and am glad to be shot of it- I guess the point I am making is that if you don’t want your child to associate with it, then change it at school/dentist/doctor etc as a PP said, meaning that they will grow up associating that as their real name, and they then will be happy to change it at 16.

You need to let go of your anger. It’s his name, let him have it.

My mother made my name known as, and whitewashed my father out of my life and lied to get him to sign adoption papers for my SF. She had no right to change my name, I didn’t even know what it was until I was 26 and finally my father found me again. It’s one of the things I will never forgive her for. She is a bitter, nasty woman. Don’t end up like that.

Just be aware a lot of places are now not letting folks go down the ‘known as’ route as easy as they used too so they don’t end up in the firing line in a battle between the parents, and also for potential safeguarding issues in some cases. The last school I worked in, and the one my teens go to don’t allow ‘known as’ for surnames now unless you’ve been given permission by court (or in the case of the high school they’ll also accept if the child had been known as the whole way through primary).

name is least of your worries, I would focus on moving if possible

Yep, I agree. I think you need to get legal advice on this.
The name's an annoyance, nothing more. It's who your DS was when he was born. Double-barrel and move on. AFAIK in Scotland you don't have to change a name by deed poll. It can be done "by habit and repute". In other words you just start using it and let schools, doctors etc know. On an island of course your ex will find out pretty quickly but that's a different problem.

YABU, he has as much right to want his child to have his surname as you do. His shut parenting in your eyes is irrelevant.
That said, you can use whatever name you like for DS.

My husband had his father’s name. His parents were married, but his dad fucked off when he found OW and started a new family. He didn’t pay a penny in maintenance. When we were married, my DH took my name. His dad was pissed off about ‘the family name’ but couldn’t possibly complain!!

Would he be more likely to give consent if you suggest adding your surname to the name, by double barrelling it?

I am sorry to say that I think he can stop you going the ‘known as’ route, too.

The ‘known as’ thing in school registers is usually for first names not surnames.

I do sympathise OP.

MN: give your children your surname or both parents ‘ surnames!

Seriously focus on leaving that random island instead of your child’s last name. Leaving the island will most likely give your son more opportunities than a name change.

I do sympathise. Equally it’s good for you to recognise that it’s consuming you. I think you also need to be careful with what you tell your son-I hope you don’t mention that his dad wasn’t interested for the first 15 months. I actually know quite a few fathered who struggled with parenthood to begin with (particularly when unplanned), I also know the same of quite a few mothers (but it’s looked on differently).
It does sound like your DS has two parents who care for him and I think fair credit to you for making sure your DS dies have a relationship with his dad.

For the posters urging OP to leave the island asap, I don't think that's going to be sensible short term. The ex is an arse, but he's not abusove or dangerous.
She has invested a lot of time & effort into building up her business there, working until midnight then getting up to be a mother early next day -

"Im now established and financially secure but it has been extremely challenging and stressful"

Surely the best bet is to stay for as long as it takes to build up enough capital to allow herself to comfortably re-establish a business on the mainland - rather than have to dump her client base & go through all that blood sweat & tears again, starting from nothing?

How are you doing OP?
I hope you are able to draw back from this & pick the battles you are able to win. You are clearly determined & resourceful enough to tackle anything you put your mind to - very best wishes & good luck.

I feel you OP. My son has his "fathers" name. He walked out on DS after 9 months. He sexually assaulted me one night after I had been kind enough to let him come into the house for a few hours to see DS.
He is now almost 5 and hasn't seen him since then, doesn't pay any maintenance(tbh I'm glad, I would hate to think he could get my address as I'm shit scared of him.)
He is known everywhere under my surname but still I cannot find anywhere/one to help us change his surname.

So basically you want to change your child’s name to make a point to your ex? You sound very resentful. You suggested he take your ex’s name when he was born, now you want to take it away? YABVU.

Will say what I always say on name threads, why does it matter? Why does he have to have your name?

Our DC do not have my name and they do not have DH name, we don’t own them they are unique individuals and we named them as such. They do all have the same name though, just not either of ours! It’s never caused confusion, they were always clear on who their parents were, their friends/schools/teachers/dr’s were always clear on who their parents were, government departments all seemed to be in the know, never had a problem. Just took a copy of birth certificates if travelling but never had an issue. Not sure why everyone gets so riled up with matching names?

I made an application to court to have my sons name double barrelled. I got permission, then used this to get a deed poll and change his documents

I know someone who successfully got the court to change her DD name. They double baralled the names.

Honestly I agree with him, you made a poor choice giving your son his name.
I don’t think you have a right to change it. It’s just a name.

I think you have sacrificed a lot for your son to have a relationship with his dad. Don't throw all that sacrifice down the drain by letting your son see how you feel.

If you are still unhappy with the life you have chosen, you can still leave.

Agree with PPs, anger is understandable but the mistake of using your ex’s name was made in the past and there’s nothing you can do, better to focus on other things you can influence.

Despite what you think of his father, having some link to him via the surname may be psychologically beneficial to your son as he is growing up. Identity is really important, and in my experience as a teacher, many children who have absent fathers have issues with this. Children want their parents to be nice, and when the absent parent is made to sound not nice they are affected.
By changing his name you are making a point. I don't want you to have the name you were given at birth because your father is not nice.
In the end, it's just a name. Your son won't see the same relevance as you do. Even asking school to call him something else can be an issue as we have to use the childs legal name on registers and official forms in school anyway.

Why do you want to change his name?

What actual difference is it going to make?

You can’t change someone’s name because you are pissed off with someone else - it’s absolutely ridiculous.

I don't think staying close to the other parents or having to work many hours is a sacrifice, it's just part of being a good parent. A child should have a relationship with not having parents where possible.

As for the name, it's just a name. One you were happy to go with at the time. You chose him to be the father of your child from millions, therefore it's not sane random name but his father's,

OP leave your son's name alone.

It is not worth it in the long term. It's a done deal.

What does your son want? At 4 he knows his own name presumably.

I can’t believe how much absent fathers (or fathers who get a contribute the minimum) get an easy ride on mumsnet. But mothers are always expected to suck it up.

OP: you have every right to be pissed off. But, I would put all your energy into getting off the island and finding your own home

Agree your priority is finding somewhere to live where you can work and have a good life for you both, preferably before he starts school.

I would try and do the "known as" at school with your surname and with as many places that allow it.

And changing your name via deed poll to his purely to use on your passport for travel is a good idea, you don't have to use it elsewhere. Then just try and forget about it, it's done, and you can't do anything about it.