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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't need to love your step children?

86 replies

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 17:59

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own and it makes me wonder if I'm just faulty.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them like DH does when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here, it's just different...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

OP posts:

ltk · 09/05/2019 18:03

No, you don't have to love them. It can be tricky loving someone else's child. You may find that you love them as they get older and more independent. You may have an easier relationship.

krankykittykat · 09/05/2019 18:05

Yanbu. Im exactly the same witj mine

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 18:05

See it's not that we don't have an easy relationship. We do! They have been great since I've known them.

I guess I just don't feel parental towards them?

OP posts:

Ironymaiden · 09/05/2019 18:07

I think that’s okay, you aren’t the parent. It’s difficult to love a child that isn’t yours. As long as they’re welcomed and you’re kind and you’re not making their time with their dad miserable, you’re probably doing okay!

DulcieRay · 09/05/2019 18:07

No you don't have to love them the way their parent does. I wouldn't believe somebody that said they did. You love them in a different way. In the same way you would love a friend in a different way to a sibling and in a different way again to your spouse.

picklemepopcorn · 09/05/2019 18:07

It depends on their age, and their other parents. Often we love the people who depend on us. If they are not needy- their needs are met by a good Mum and a good Dad, then you don't have the same drive to care for them.

Imagine their Mum was actually useless, and it was only when they were with you that they got quality care. Would you feel the same?

picklemepopcorn · 09/05/2019 18:08

If they are little, a d with you a lot, then they may need you to love them.

Gracie65 · 09/05/2019 18:11

Of course you don't have to love them and as you rightly say, they already have a mother and father who do have that parental loving bond. What you do have a responsibility for is treating them with respect as little individuals in their own right and making sure they come to no harm whilst with you, emotionally or physically. It sounds like you're doing a fab job with them, having fun and making them feel secure. You don't have to be their parent you don't have to feel parental love. They already have it. Don't worry at all. What your're feeling Is perfectly normal.

notsodimwit · 09/05/2019 18:11

I am a step daughter I don't love you also (step mother) never liked going to stay over! Its the same with no blood relationships! Had to keep going because of my dad

HomeMadeMadness · 09/05/2019 18:11

I think step parenting is incredibly difficult, of course YANBU to feel how you feel and by the sounds of it your actions are fine. I guess the difficulty comes if the kids spend long periods of time with you (what if they moved in in the future?). It would then be very difficult not to take on board some parental responsibility and this is hard without love. I guess it would also be hard for kids to grow up in a home where they don't feel unconditionally loved by the adults caring for them. Equally it can't be forced.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/05/2019 18:12

This is an odd one for me tbh. It doesn't sit well with me. Of course it's your duty to treat them with kindness and respect but your devil may care attitude I think in the long term is unhealthy.

They aren't just "anyone's kids" - they are the kids of the man you love and have decided to marry. I think it's a separate issue from you not wanting to 'parent' them as some decisions aren't your call to make.

But I think what you're seeking here is validation over your feelings that should they just fall off the face of the earth tomorrow - you'd be more concerned with what's for dinner.

Drogosnextwife · 09/05/2019 18:14

I couldn't love someone elses child as much as my own. I could love them and care for them but I know I wouldn't feel the same love as I do for my own. Which is a horrible and probably hypocritical thing for me to say because my DP isn't my eldest biological dad, but he is his dad as far as DS is concerned and I want him to love him as much as our child we have together. I would never ask him how he felt, I wouldn't like to put him in that position and to be honest it would break my heart if he didn't.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/05/2019 18:15

I don't think you have to love them in a parental way, but don't you at least love them like you'd love a friend, or even a pet??

rosamacrose · 09/05/2019 18:15

I was fond of stepson and treated him well. Not the same as loving.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 09/05/2019 18:16

I really like my step daughter (adult, has never lived with me), she's a good kind person. Do I love her? Well yes but not in the same way as I love my DS. I would take a bullet for him without a second thought. Would I for Dsd, leaving DS motherless? Difficult to answer that one!!
I think if you are being kind and warm and leaving the "difficult" parts of parenting up to the Mum and Dad that's fine.

Butteredghost · 09/05/2019 18:17

Sounds like you have a good relationship with them. Maybe it would be better to just not try to label it or quantify it. You get on, and that's that. As DulcieRay said you have all different people in your life who you feel all sorts of different ways about. Just enjoy the different relationships without worrying whether you love mum more than dad, or sibling A more than friend B.

Livedandlearned · 09/05/2019 18:19

YANBU

Butteredghost · 09/05/2019 18:20

And as for enjoying your child free nights the most, I think a lot of bio parents feel the exact way!

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 18:20

But I think what you're seeking here is validation over your feelings that should they just fall off the face of the earth tomorrow - you'd be more concerned with what's for dinner

Well no. This isn't what I'm saying at all neither is it how I feel.

They are the most important thing to my DH and therefore are of course important to me. I do everything possible to make their home with us happy and welcoming. I don't dislike them at all and as I've said, we have good fun when they are here.

Me saying I don't miss them when they aren't here is in the context that DH as a parent will be chomping at the bit to see them again when they come. I don't feel like that. I'm happy when they are here but I don't 'miss' them intensely like DH does. It's not to say I wouldn't care if they never came again or disappeared tomorrow.

For those asking, both parents very involved so no real need for me to be do any 'parenting' other than if there is the odd bickering going on and DH is upstairs for example.

Perhaps as some suggested, I would feel differently if they were more dependant on me!

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/05/2019 18:21

I think it's odd not to love them if you're with them often. I love my friends DC, my nieces and nephews, and whilst it might not be in the same way that I love my own DC, I think to spend a lot of time with children and not feel at least a little love for them there must be a reason.

Do you think the DC love you?

tabulahrasa · 09/05/2019 18:24

I don’t think you need to love them like a parent does... but not at all? I mean, I love some of my friend’s children...and I spend much less time with them than a stepparent does.

But it depends on what your definition of love is I suppose.

KylieKoKo · 09/05/2019 18:26

I love dps children but I'm sure I'd love any I had myself more. I think that's natural. They are more like nieces in that way. Dp doesn't leave me to parent them so I just have fun with them. I would not choose to live with them full-time (although obviously I accept that this could happen if anything happened to their mum.) I did miss them when they went away with their mum for a month.

Ex28 · 09/05/2019 18:28

I agree. That’s probably how most stepparents feel.

Applesbananaspears · 09/05/2019 18:38

I think your feelings are fine. If you like them, enjoy their company and make them feel welcomed that’s fine. I loved with my step mum as a child and I know she has never loved me, at the time she barely tolerated me and as an adult she doesn’t love me and I don’t love her, I often don’t even like her that much but we have a grudging acceptance of one another and a bond and loyalty which only comes with time

CheeseIsEverything · 09/05/2019 18:39

They aren't just "anyone's kids" - they are the kids of the man you love and have decided to marry

I don't get this argument...

Being your partners kids do not mean you automatically develop love for them. You love your partner, you marry your partner for them.

Yes you have to accept their children, accept that they come first, treat them with kindness, care and make them feel welcomed and secure but making out that love automatically develops for children simply because your partner helped create them is not reality.

FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable. You treat them well. You cannot force someone to really love someone else. As long as you are good to them there is no problem for me.

You don't have to love (actually love) every child in your life.

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