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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't need to love your step children?

86 replies

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 17:59

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own and it makes me wonder if I'm just faulty.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them like DH does when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here, it's just different...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 10/05/2019 04:53

@rainbowwaffles, my apologies, I read your username the same as the person who originally posted it, yes I agree that the post from @rainbowknickers reflects on their character and not their relationship with their SC. If I could edit my post I would

SiliconHeaven · 10/05/2019 05:12

I’ve been a step mum for 26 years. I love her so much now, I think it took about 20 years to get there

AutumnColours9 · 10/05/2019 05:16

I found your post really hard to read too. I would like to think that as long as it didn't put my children in danger I would try to get any child out of a burning building, particularly close friends and families children. I once dragged a man who was a complete stranger out of his car after he had an accident because it was smoking up and I thought it was going to catch fire, I would try far harder to save a child.

Totally agree with this.

swingofthings · 10/05/2019 05:24

I’ve been a step mum for 26 years. I love her so much now, I think it took about 20 years to get there
Se here ! I hated my SM growing up and although I'm not sure if her feelings for me were as strong, she certainly disliked me much and enough to wish I didn't exist.

We started to like each other when I had my kids and I brought them up to consider her as their nan because our issues were nothing to do with her. When my father also cheated on her, I defended her. We grew closer as she and her daughter grew more distant. Nowadays, she and I are much closer than she is with her daughter and I do believe she loves me as a daughter.

I never understand when people say you should love someone. Love is a feeling, you have it or not as a result of how you feel about someone, it's not something you can force.

Not loving a SC doesn't mean you are not a great SM at all.

ChancePeace · 10/05/2019 05:24

YANBU! I will never have step children but I feel the same can apply vice versa, to step parents too. They’re great people but I don’t love them

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 08:20

I can imagine it is v hard not being the most important person to your husband

I don't know, I've never really thought about it like this. I know they come first of course, but I've never felt less loved or important in his life, just loved and important in a different way! He's a great H!

OP posts:

charlestonchaplin · 10/05/2019 08:49

Talk is cheap. Most people wouldn’t run into a burning building to save a random child unless the fire was thought to be minor or well-contained. Many wouldn’t even run into a burning building to try to save their own child in the case of a serious fire where there is a real probability they may not make it out. (Because for example, the fire brigade are on their way, an extra casualty would not help them, there are other children/dependents who need you, it is probably futile, or just plain old self-preservation instinct.)

Who knows what a person would do in that situation? I have more respect for the person who is more realistic about their capabilities than the person who is probably thinking more highly of themselves than they ought to.

The golden rule with stepchildren in Britain today is to say you love them just as much as your own, however you feel. Rather than an honest environment where the focus can be on treating them kindly and decently and the stepmother can feel valued (and not used and abused) instead there is a lot of deception which doesn’t help anyone, least of all the stepchildren, who, by the way, rarely love you, their step-parent. At least not in any way approaching the way they love their parents.

ChocoCrocc · 10/05/2019 08:53

Honestly, I believe a lot of step parents feel the way you do OP but are too worried to admit it and run the risk of being torn to shreds for daring to.

They aren't just "anyone's kids" - they are the kids of the man you love and have decided to marry

And?

You don't just automatically love someone because they were created by your partner. Parents don't instinctively and fiercely love their own children just because they love the other parent.

I wish people would stop placing this completely unrealistic expectation on SPs.

If you love your partner, you accept his children, you treat them well, you respect them and welcome them which is everything the OP is doing.

Love isn't something you can force. It certainly isn't something that just magically appears simply because they are the most important thing to your partner.

Please enter the real world, where step parents are their own people who have as much right as anyone to feel what they feel and love who they love!

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2019 08:54

I feel the same. I like them fine. We get on well. I parent them well. But they've 2 parents, I'm not essential to anything. I treat all the kids with equality. They definitely have a load more stuff going on with their lives due to this. Sports, travel, better school. I pay more than my share etc. No complaints - nice kids. But I feel no passion about them. I'm not particularly maternal.

doesthiseemright · 10/05/2019 08:54

I agree OP. I don't think it's abnormal and I don't think you should force love if it isn't there. I love my stepson but not in the same way as I love my own children. It's like the love I have for my nieces and nephews. I absolutely and truly love them but it;s not the same..

Abi197 · 10/05/2019 09:00

I think this is normal.

I love my DP's DD5 like she is my own, we do a lot together just us girls and I do miss her when she is gone.

But I have friends that feel like you do, and think it's strange how I feel about his DD.

As long as they feel welcome and you are kind and fun to be around I think you're doing well!!

Fiveredbricks · 10/05/2019 09:06

@VladmirsPoutine no one has to love anyone, the kids are well cared for and they already have two parents who love and care for them. They don't need a surrogate mother at their father's house. Don't be so bloody ridiculous. They are children and part of their father's life but they are not the emotional responsibility of the OP even if she happens to be married to their father. She also isn't a stepmother - as they have a mother who is alive and well... She is simply their father's wife. Give your head a wobble.

AfterTrentham · 10/05/2019 09:19

I feel the same way, OP. I have two stepchildren. The elder one is in secondary school and is kind, polite, and good company. I enjoy being around her. The younger one has significant behavioural issues and is very difficult to everyone, including her own mum and dad. I care about her, but find spending time with her very stressful, and if I'm honest I'm happier and more relaxed on the days she isn't here. Doesn't mean I don't care about her a great deal.

I like my stepchildren, and I want them to be happy. I go to a great deal of effort to support my husband's relationship with them. I certainly would miss them if I never saw them again. I start missing them if I haven't seen them for a week or two (e.g. in school holidays). But I don't love them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 10/05/2019 09:23

I don't think you need to love your step children, no. I don't love DSS like I love DS, but we have a good relationship. I'm not desperately sad if he doesn't come over, but i'd obviously be gutted if we never saw him again, or anything happened to him.

i think trying to force yourself to love kids that aren't your own are where problems can start. I think its more common to love step kids that you've brought up or been involved with since they were tiny.

AhhhHereItGoes · 10/05/2019 09:44

I think as a step parent you should care for your Step children, not necessarily love them.

Treat them kindly, don't exclude them, learn their hobbies and interests and make them feel welcome.

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2019 11:20

My DSis has a DSS and also 3 DC of her own. She really does love him as much as she does her own DC. He was 9 when she first knew him, now he’s 22 this year and married with 2 DC of his own, and is in the army. My DSis worries about him as much as if he were her own DS. But in her case, she was his main carer for most of his teenage, as his mum moved away with her new partner.

She doesn’t stand on his mum’s toes, her DSS calls her by her first name. It was tricky during the teenage years, obviously, as he played her off against his mum, but thankfully his mum got wise to that herself.

I definitely couldn’t imagine my DSis saying that she preferred it when her DSS wasn’t there.

I think she is quite unusual, though, as a lot of her friends don’t get that. It really annoys her when they speak of her as having 3 DC and not 4. She might not feel the same if she hadn’t played the important role she did in bringing her DSS up.

RainbowWaffles · 10/05/2019 11:51

The burning building comment just sounded very flippant. I would like to think we would all attempt to save a child, but as pp have pointed out that would depend on the degree of the burning building. As with all things, there would be some kind of risk assessment.

ChocoCrocc · 10/05/2019 13:00

i think trying to force yourself to love kids that aren't your own are where problems can start

Definitely agree with this and I think the expectation that SMs should love their SCs is damaging too. You can't force love! You can still be kind, welcoming and fair without it.

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2019 13:05

I think each situation is different. No you don’t have to love them. I have a good relationship with my dsc and we have a close bond, but I don’t love them. The stepchild most of the time has another parent in the background, and for me that plays a big part in the dynamics of a stepparent/stepchild relationship. I don’t want to invest so much of my emotions in to a child that would understandably rather be with their actual mum. That’s where the conditional love comes in to it for me.
To my own children I’m their whole world, and that’s the special bond we have. A stepchild is completely different because the dynamics are completely different, unless of course there is no other parent on the scene in which case the stepparent can invest so much more love and time in to a stepchild like they would their own child.

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 13:15

Thanks, I just feel better being honest about it. I'm not a cold or detached horrible person.

Anyone can say they love someone because they think it's the right thing to feel. But it's something else to actually mean it.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2019 13:24

OP, my dsc’s mum is always trying to ram it down my throat how I should be feeling, but she actually does more damage than good. Her behaviour has actually made me think twice about my relationship as I cannot deal with her thinking she’s my boss.
What I’m trying to say is that a step relationship should flow naturally and not forced or it just becomes fake and resentment creeps in. That’s not fair on the child or the adult. My dsc and I have a lovely bond and get on really well - more like friends really especially now we’ve hit the teenage years. I wouldn’t say we love each other like mother and child though, and even my dsc would agree! It’s just their mum who is a bit deluded and thinks everyone should feel the same way about her child as she does.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 13:29

I'm with you OP.
I don't see my great-neice or great-nephew very often.
I really enjoy seeing them.
They are great fun.
I like them a lot.
They are adorable.
But I don't love them - not like I love my own DD.
Don't feel guilty about how you feel.
They are your feelings and they are perfectly valid.

Squigglesworth · 10/05/2019 14:23

You sound like a good step-mother, OP.

The suggestion that you should automatically love your partner's children just because they're his... Should you immediately love your partner's parents just because they're his parents? Do you honestly love your partner's parents as much as you love your own (assuming you have a good relationship with your parents)?

I think you should try to have a good relationship with the important people in your partner's life, but beyond that, you can't control your emotional response to someone (even a child), and there's nothing wrong with not feeling parental love for someone else's child (especially when the child has two living, loving parents to fill those roles).

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 17:28

Thank you! Feel a lot better knowing the consensus seems to be that I am not unreasonable!!

OP posts:

TheFastandCurious · 10/05/2019 18:19

I think it’s ok until a step parent lives full time with step kids. Then I think it’s selfish of the parent (not step parent) to move someone in with their kids if they don’t love them.

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