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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't need to love your step children?

86 replies

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 17:59

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own and it makes me wonder if I'm just faulty.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them like DH does when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here, it's just different...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

OP posts:

givemesteel · 10/05/2019 18:48

It's an interesting thread. I don't have this but my dh's father is not his sister's father (her father died when she was v young ).

Dh's dad definitely treats the dh and his sister equally, and if anything may favour the sister. Definitely sees her kids as his grandkids as much as he does mine and dh kids.

But maybe it is different that he didn't have another dad to 'compete' with and was part of her life from quite a young age (7 ish).

nickyXjayno · 10/05/2019 21:30

I'm not a maternal person. I don't see other people's kids and go aww. But my son.... He's my life. I've never known a love like it.
I have 3 step kids, 1 has a different mum to other 2 and I'd say I have more of a bond with the older 2. His youngest.... She's very screechy and tantrums a lot and communicates like a (pointing and whining at stuff she wants rather than say it properly) at times even though she's in yr1. Adores her father but makes it well known she hates me or my son being anywhere near her father so her visits are always very uncomfortable.
I tend to take my son and avoid home when she is about as it's easier on everyone.
In 2 years nothing has changed and I doubt it ever will.

FuckingDelightful · 11/05/2019 08:42

Then I think it’s selfish of the parent (not step parent) to move someone in with their kids if they don’t love them

Why?

Surely the thing that matters is that they treat your kids well, fairly, make them feel welcome and secure? Do you expect your child's teacher to love them because they see them most days? Or do you just expect them to be a kind, nice and caring adult?

There is nothing wrong with what the OP is doing or feeling. I imagine the other parent wouldn't even know anyway unless they specifically asked 'do you love my kids?'

Love is a strong thing for a lot of people that isn't just said about every person they happen to like in their life and I'm sorry but not everyone is going to passionately love your kids like you do.

MintyCedric · 11/05/2019 08:58

I don't think you need to worry about not feeling parental towards them.

I've no idea how XH's partner feels about my DD who was 12 when they got together, but she appears to be very fond of her and has never been anything other than kind and supportive towards DD and friendly and respectful towards me.

I'm very happy with that. We've met a handful of times and she's a lovely woman as far as I can tell. She doesn't need to feel any kind of parental love towards DD as she has her parents for that, but if DD sees her as a trusted adult friend that's great.

MissMilly88 · 11/05/2019 09:20

Maybe it depends on the age you met them? I met my DSS when he was 10 months old and truly do love him. I'm currently overdue with my own child and can't imagine loving him any differently (although people do assure me that I will). Seeing him grow from a baby to a now almost 6 year old as been amazing and I miss him when he's not here. I think if I'd met him as he is now I may not have felt the same? Yanbu at all, they're very lucky to have an extra person in their life who cares for them and looks after them :)

Tumbleweed101 · 11/05/2019 09:34

As a mum I wouldn’t expect my Ex’s new partner to love my children or do any parenting. So long as they are kind enough that my children feel comfortable visiting their Dad and they don’t stop that from happening then that is fine. My children are older now anyway so don’t need that kind of relationship with anyone else.

GilmoreMe · 11/05/2019 09:47

I don't love my step daughter. I treat her fairly and kindly and we get on and she is happy when she's here and looks forward to coming but I definitely don't love her.
So I don't think you Abu as long as she is treated well.
I think I'm odd with regards to children that aren't mine though. I have close friends with children the same ages as mine who have grown up with mine and my friends genuinely love my and each others children but I don't feel the same about theirs. I like them and care about them but that's it

HoppityChicken · 11/05/2019 09:50

I was a step child - I never expected either of my step parents to love me. Just as I couldn't say I'd automatically love them. Love grows or it doesn't, I'm sure you don't love everyone you spend time with. If you're all getting along then that's brilliant, don't change a thing.

user1493413286 · 11/05/2019 09:56

I love my DSD but then when I met her she was a lovely 6 year old who was impossible not to love. I think it’s great if you do but the main thing is to like them and enjoy their company; you can’t make yourself love someone.
However it is very different to my own DD and I think that’s to be expected. Since becoming a mum I’ve understood my place a bit more as a step parent; I look after DSD when she’s with me but I expect DH to do the parenting such as and we agree together about any behaviour things in our home but I expect him to take the lead on it. Essentially my DSD has a mum and she doesn’t need me to try to be a second one

Rezie · 11/05/2019 10:02

I feel like in online forums you are always expected to love the children, thibk of them as their own, give them everything you have, pay for them lime you would for.your own kids, leave everything to them on your will etc. Where as in reality most step parents have friendly relationship with their step children and they are treated fairly but the bio parents are the real parents with the rights and responsibilities and decision making. Step parents are other caring adults in their lives.

PeonyTruffle · 11/05/2019 10:02

100% agree with you OP

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