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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't need to love your step children?

86 replies

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 17:59

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own and it makes me wonder if I'm just faulty.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them like DH does when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here, it's just different...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 18:44

at the time she barely tolerated me

I don't want to come across like this is me. It isn't. This is not how they are treated when they are with me. I genuinely enjoy being with them and they with us.

Maybe it's the loving like your own child that is making me think this way?! I don't know.

Someone asked if they love me. I don't know! I've no idea if they love me or not. I know they like me and I know they enjoy being with us and that's enough for me.

OP posts:
Yura · 09/05/2019 18:44

You will also find that people use the term “love” very differently. What you (and I) call “like”, they call “love”. I don’t “love” any of my friends children for example - I don’t miss them if I haven’t seen them for a day. My definition of “love” is fairly tight.
A friend “loves” all her friends kids. She means she enjoys seeing them occasionally. Her definition of “love” is very wide.
None of us is right/wrong, just different!

WhataLovelyPear · 09/05/2019 18:45

Not unreasonable at all. I'm a step mum to two teenage girls and while I do care about them, I wouldn't say I loved them, unless you are using the word love in a very broad sense. I think the love between parent and child is a special and complex bond - I would say it's more natural for it to be different with step children than not.

RainbowWaffles · 09/05/2019 18:47

I think it’s totally normal. My DSS were just about teenagers when I came along. I think it’s different if you get involved when they are much younger though and it’s hard not to form more of a relationship with say a two year old. As a pp had said, if they are younger, they may need you to love them, not necessarily like a mother but a niece or nephew.

The important thing is I treat them with respect and I treat them ‘as if they were my own’ in terms of fairness. I let DH parent them and never get involved, I do what I need to in order to assist in facilitating their relationship. I am always polite and kind to them. I always show an interest in their lives. I don’t try to be their mother, they have one.

CheeseToastieAndABrew · 09/05/2019 18:51

I was the flip side to this. I had a step-dad, he was great, we got on well, but I didn't love him. He was more my big pal who let me get away with stuff. It worked for us, I don't think he loved me either but I know we got on great and that was enough for both of us.

It sounds absolutely normal to be honest.

cabingirl · 09/05/2019 18:59

I was actually surprised how quickly I began to love my step-daughters. I liked them immediately because they are both lovely girls (now women) but I didn't know whether I would love them like my own. It's a slightly different feeling for me to how I feel about my 'bio' child, but it's not lesser.

MrsPinkCock · 09/05/2019 19:56

Mmmmm that’s a difficult one.

I love mine, and tell them so. But I’ve been in their lives since they were in nappies and they’ve lived with my DH since then too so I’ve been around them a lot.

I’m not sure I love them in the same way as my bio DS though.

Grumpos · 09/05/2019 20:36

I feel exactly the same or perhaps a little less keen on mine than you are yours!
I don’t love them, don’t miss them and don’t mind at all if they have to skip a week.
I care that they are ok, I look after them the same way any decent, caring adult would but I’m not their parent and have no desire to have that type of relationship. Partner completely understands and respects that.
Everyone is different, some people may genuinely feel that they love their step children as their own (seems unlikely but fair enough). You sound caring and responsible and welcoming and ultimately isn’t that all that’s needed as a step parent?
@vladimir - way to completely misread the OP Hmm

Original poster
Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 20:57

You will also find that people use the term “love” very differently. What you (and I) call “like”, they call “love”. I don’t “love” any of my friends children for example - I don’t miss them if I haven’t seen them for a day. My definition of “love” is fairly tight.
A friend “loves” all her friends kids. She means she enjoys seeing them occasionally. Her definition of “love” is very wide

I think that's it really. There's only a few people I would say I genuinely love. But maybe that's just because I define love differently to others! Tighter, as you say.

I love mine, and tell them so. But I’ve been in their lives since they were in nappies and they’ve lived with my DH since then too so I’ve been around them a lot

Yes, I can see why that would make a difference definitely! They were in school but only just when I met them so not old but not babies either. We have them 3 nights a week.

OP posts:
Bumbalaya · 09/05/2019 20:59

Op I feel exactly the same as you. I’m just a positive adult in myDSDs life and that’s fine.

MrsOaf · 09/05/2019 21:06

YANBU

And If I were the mum of your step children I would be happy with your feelings & role in their life Smile

ParkingIInPlainSight · 09/05/2019 21:15

It’s reasonable. I like mine. But they have two great parents. I’m pretty much an irrelevance to their lives.

Original poster
Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 21:54

I’m just a positive adult in myDSDs life and that’s fine

This is how I see it! Glad to know it's not just me not working properly!

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 09/05/2019 23:06

I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. You don’t feel the same way about them as your DH does. That’s hardly surprising! And there’s no rule that says you have to feel the same way about them as he does. But you clearly care about them - you like them, get on well with them, and you make an effort to make them welcome and happy in your home with their father.

Rainbowknickers · 09/05/2019 23:20

Someone summed it up for me once
‘If my kids where in a burning building I’d be in there to haul em out but if it was my step kids I’d be stood screaming for someone to get them out’
I have two sd’s and that’s exactly how I feel about them
I’d miss them if they dropped out of my life but I’d just get on with it without really thinking about it

fullprice · 09/05/2019 23:31

My stepdaughter likes me and cares for me but it’s nothing compared to how much she loves her mother and father. That’s natural.
I like and care for her (and treat her well etc etc) but it is incomparable to how much I love my own child. And I think that too is totally natural.
I love my child with all my heart and would do anything for him- it’s a love a parent has. Perhaps if my stepchild had no mother then our bond, live would grow as I would step up to take some kind of role but for now, i would not be able to make any comparison.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 10/05/2019 00:17

I loved two out of three of my ex stepkids.

The third, I tried. I wanted to. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But if it's hard enough loving one of my own who has severe issues akin to those this third stepkid had, then that sort of says it really.

You don't have to love but like, be fond of, love as a fellow person etc, those things are important and should always be worked at. It's a difficult relationship and it can go in one of two ways.

flyingspaghettimonster · 10/05/2019 00:59

As a step kid I can honestly say the feeling is probably mutual. If you have a good relationship with them that's more than enough. I loved my step dad who I lived with, but I never even liked my step mother and I never for one moment was under any illusion that she cared for me.

number1wang · 10/05/2019 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NottonightJosepheen · 10/05/2019 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iknowishould · 10/05/2019 01:51

Maybe you're overthinking? You care for them, get on well and generally have a good relationship. Why worry about it?

RainbowWaffles · 10/05/2019 04:24

If my kids where in a burning building I’d be in there to haul em out but if it was my step kids I’d be stood screaming for someone to get them out’

I think that says more about your character than about your relationship with your step children.

Lottle · 10/05/2019 04:44

"They are the most important thing to my DH"

I don't have step children so cannot fully relate but I think you are doing really well and not being unreasonable. I can imagine it is v hard not being the most important person to your husband. I'm finding this hard and my husband and I have a child together.

If you had children and they ended up having a step mum who felt the way you feel about your step children, would you be happy?

StoppinBy · 10/05/2019 04:51

@rainbowwaffles I found your post really hard to read too. I would like to think that as long as it didn't put my children in danger I would try to get any child out of a burning building, particularly close friends and families children. I once dragged a man who was a complete stranger out of his car after he had an accident because it was smoking up and I thought it was going to catch fire, I would try far harder to save a child.

I disagree with your assessment of @number1wang and definitely think your post says more about you than them.

ANewDawn10 · 10/05/2019 04:52

I can't imagine loving anyone elses kids as much as mine. Or even loving them for that matter. You can like them but it's not a given that you should feel love for them.
I dont have Dsc but even so i have lots of nieces and nephews and dont love them as much as mine even though we siblings are close. My dsis often refers to ds as her son too, she loves him that much. I do feel bad as I dont think of my niece in the same way. But it doesnt mean that I dont treat her very well and like her that much.

I can imagine a dsc relationship is much more complex.