Parents of children with ASD - was I being unreasonable?

[CalmaChamelion]

I was collecting DD from nursery. Walked back to the car park and started slowly backing the car out. See a tiny flash behind my car and put the brakes on. Get out and one of DDs nursery friends is literally stood two inches from the back of my car.

Mum stood ten feet away talking to another nursery mum. I’ll admit now I was a bit shook I’d nearly ran her kid over so I shouted over “are you being bloody serious I’ve just nearly knocked him over”.

She walks over and says “it’s not his fault he has autism and doesn’t recognise danger”. I said to her “well he’s 4 most 4 year olds don’t, and I wasn’t shouting at him I was shouting at you, watch your kid instead of gabbing with your bloody mate”

She shouted back “didn’t you hear me he has autism can’t you read?!!!” (He had a badge on saying Autism is my superpower).

She then said come on DS away from the silly lady. And walked off with him.

I’m still going over this an hour later in my head. I know I shouldn’t have snapped at her but I was so close to hitting him!

My DD is 14. She has learning disability (not autism). I still watch her at the car parks. At 4 she always hold my hand around cars. It never occurred to me that a badge would be enough.

@notoafternoontea

She was lucky. It was a near miss

Its not illegal to park forwards in a space but it is much safer to park backwards and pull in forwards. Thats a fact. From memory, and its been a while so i may be wrong, its even advised in the highway code.

Probably it would come out as the OP not being at fault if shed hit him. Probably. But the whole investigation would be laborious and unpleasant. Plus the guilt of having hit a person. Which you feel even if it isnt your fault.

Parking best practice is something we all should do, especially around schools and children.

A bit like closely surpervising our ASD children.

@glueandstick, it was so much part of my life I used to reach out a hand when crossing a road with anyone. It used to really annoy DH.

Actually I still do it.

You don’t have to be a parent of a child with autism to answer this one. You just have to be someone who gives a shit about their child to know that you don’t let a four year old wander round a car park. Disgusting that she uses his disability as an excuse for her poor parenting.

GreenEggsHamandChips lovely. And if he'd run behind her as she was reversing in to a space?

Most cars, even small cars, don't give you the vision to see a small child darting behind your car. Mine has a low back window and I'd struggle to see a tiny child, especially one moving at speed.

It's why leaving school/nursery takes an age because parents don't actually tend to keep an eye on their children, despite being surrounded by 2 ton moving objects!

She should be watching her child, SEN or not.
But you should be looking properly before and while you reverse. And your car shouldn't be parked such that you need to reverse put, you would have reversed into the spot. She should have been keeping her child safe, but the most blame lies with you.

But you should be looking properly before and while you reverse.

She was! Otherwise the thread would be about a very different, very awful outcome.

OP says in her OP she "saw a flash". That was her only warning of a kid running behind her car.

Ffs any parent who allows their children to run around a fucking car park isn't fit to be a parent, but it's OPs fault? Pfft.

OP, I did mean to say you did well seeing the child and stopping. As a driver you did as you should. I feel a bit sorry for this little boy as his mother’s missed one or two points about road safety, autism and parental responsibility.

I don't think most of the blame lies with OP at all. She stopped her car. The woman hadn't even noticed the small boy was behind the car.

You deserve a stiff drink OP.

I drove on to the estate I live on & a child aged no more than 3 ran in front of my car, his mother wandered round the corner a couple of minutes later. I tore a strip off her, another second & I would have killed him, I drive an SUV & he was too tiny for me to see below the bonnet. She started yelling at me, I just told her to keep a hold of her son if she wanted to see him grow up. Autism is nothing to do with it, any parent should keep hold of their child.

Exactly @InTheHeatofLisbon

@GreenEggsHamandChips, of course your right that backing into a parking space is safest for when you're coming out of it, but I think you'll find that advice is generally meant to stop people backing out onto a road where there is traffic moving at speed. In a car park, backing into, and out of car parking spaces is risky because of pedestrians who believe they have the right of way at all costs and idiot mothers (frankly in this case whether the child is NT/ASD or has any other kind of SEN is wholly irrelevant) don't keep an eye on their children.

It was a near miss, but it was a near miss because the driver was paying attention to what was going on around her. It could have happened just as easily when she was reversing INTO the space.

Jeez, don't some people love to put the boot in!
The OP DID drive carefully, she DID look properly, the kid ran behind her car as she was SLOWLY reversing and she saw a "flash" so she stopped, as any careful driver would. At 4, most kids aren't tall enough to show up in a rear view mirror on many cars anyway!

So no, most of the blame would not lie with the OP - because the child ran behind a moving car, due to his asinine mother not keeping a watch and a hand on him.

I agree with the suggestion to have a word with the nursery manager about the near-miss. They may well want to issue a general reminder to all parents about supervising children in the car park!

Eek, just to clear up a few points yes it is best to back in, today I didn’t, next time I will.

When I got in the car the boy was with his mother as far as I remember but DD (also 4 so not exactly reliable!) says he was puddle jumping near our car?! In that case I’m surprised I didn’t notice him before I got in the car.

I luckily have a low back window, didn’t see him in either side mirror but saw a flash of his blonde head just under the back window

OP i dont think you were at fault here at all. I have a son with ASD, now 11 and still needs help crossing the road. At 3/4 he was a total risk in every situation and would have been held onto constantly by us. Our job was to keep him safe and it still is.
He will really come a cropper if she is not watching him like a hawk all the time. I would say something to nursery as well just to make them aware from a safety aspect for the car park, also in case the other parent moans about you

YANBU to be angry at her lack of supervision, but shouting could have upset her son and sent him running which could've made it worse. I know my son would find a stranger shouting a trigger.

but shouting could have upset her son and sent him running which could've made it worse

How is that OPs responsibility?

The mother should have been watching her son, not chatting and ignoring her 4 yo running around a bloody car park!

I know my sons are hypersensitive to loud noises. It's why I'm extra vigilant when we're out and about in busy places. It is not an excuse to abdicate responsibility for my children and then blame someone else for my lack of parenting!

This has, imo, nothing to do with autism, I hate when people use it as an excuse! She was not watching her kid, end of.

Sorry, I don't think it's OP's responsibility, and I know people shout when scared about what could've happened. But knowing what my son is like I'd take that into consideration when dealing with this -obviously- careless woman or anybody else when kids are around. My sons hand is never out of mine because he has zero sense of danger so I can't imagine why the other mother let him wander off if she knows he's the same. 100% agree the OP is entirely in the right, just there are different ways of dealing with things.

shes a dick. Autistic kids get run over with cars the same as anyone. You hold 4 year olds hands in car parks, like any other kid

ItWentInMyEye I take your point and agree completely.

I just think the mother snarking at OP about shouting was deflecting from her own inadequacy.v

but I think you'll find that advice is generally meant to stop people backing out onto a road where there is traffic moving at speed
It's really not. It genuinely is far, far safer to reverse into a space than out of one. Common sense tells you that most of the risks on a car park are in the "open" rather than the back of a space. Additionally, your visibility is reduced when reversing OUT of a space by any cars parked either side/walls etc. This is not the case when reversing IN. Of course there can be hazards anywhere, and of course a child could run into a space or walk behind a reversing car, but there is a greater risk when reversing out of a space.
Put it this way, my DH in a previous life had to drive a company vehicle and at 3 different workplaces (all huge global companies) it was absolutely hammered into them to always reverse into spaces. If you were "caught" on the company car park or on site having driven forwards into a space, you were subject to disciplinary action. The only reason the companies took this line was to reduce the risks of their property being damaged/being subject to legal action from injured parties.

@InTheHeatofLisbon Definitely! I'd be mortified if my son had gotten away from me and caused a possible injury to himself or others, and her reaction wasn't normal of an ASD parent. I personally have found that people who buy those T-shirt's 'announcing' the child's diagnosis think it gives them free reign to do whatever they want.

I have a nearly 4yo, nt as far as we're aware. We hold hands around roads and in car parks, no discussion. No 4 yos are reliable enough around cars