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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents of children with ASD - was I being unreasonable?

118 replies

CalmaChamelion · 09/05/2019 17:35

I was collecting DD from nursery. Walked back to the car park and started slowly backing the car out. See a tiny flash behind my car and put the brakes on. Get out and one of DDs nursery friends is literally stood two inches from the back of my car.

Mum stood ten feet away talking to another nursery mum. I’ll admit now I was a bit shook I’d nearly ran her kid over so I shouted over “are you being bloody serious I’ve just nearly knocked him over”.

She walks over and says “it’s not his fault he has autism and doesn’t recognise danger”. I said to her “well he’s 4 most 4 year olds don’t, and I wasn’t shouting at him I was shouting at you, watch your kid instead of gabbing with your bloody mate”

She shouted back “didn’t you hear me he has autism can’t you read?!!!” (He had a badge on saying Autism is my superpower).

She then said come on DS away from the silly lady. And walked off with him.

I’m still going over this an hour later in my head. I know I shouldn’t have snapped at her but I was so close to hitting him!

OP posts:

Grasspigeons · 09/05/2019 18:12

She should have been looking after him better - car parks are so dangerous for all young children not just autistic ones. My DS with autism still has his hands held in car parks and he is 8.

but giving her a slight benefit of the doubt perhaps she was meaning don't shout as child will find it overwhelming (sensory) and not understand the difference between you shouting at her or him what with having a social communication disorder.

EggysMom · 09/05/2019 18:12

My son goes to a disability club at a local centre. There are at least two Mums just like this, they think there's no danger in their child running around the car-park like a daftie.

Apparentlychilled · 09/05/2019 18:13

I have a DC who is autistic and NT kids. At 4 none of them had any sense in car parks. She's a loon

ImposterSyndrome101 · 09/05/2019 18:13

I have ASD and as a child I was either in a pram, had a harness, strapps or held onto because I had no concept of danger and would run off. My nieces and nephews are a mix of NT/autistic/ADHD/otherwise disabled or have learning difficulties and also very young and everyone needs to have a buddy and be holding on to someone at all times.

It's common sense and the mother needs to give her head a shake before there's an accident.

SherlockSays · 09/05/2019 18:13

The badge isn't going to save him from being run over though is it?

I'd have done the same as you OP.

RubberTreePlant · 09/05/2019 18:14

I have autism but I'm pretty sure a car running over me because I stood behind it would do plenty of damage. Trust me, it's not that much of a sodding superpower.

BogglesGoggles · 09/05/2019 18:15

What an idiot.

bongsuhan · 09/05/2019 18:15

I hope none of you drives a car. Driving a car it's your responsibility to make sure you don't hit anyone. You need to look where you're driving when driving backwards as well. 100% your fault unless the kid literally jumps into your path.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 09/05/2019 18:15

You were very restraint.
My DSis autistic son was runner with no sense of danger, he was not left unsupervised for a second.

Ratatatouille · 09/05/2019 18:15

Why were you backing out? Of a car parking space? Back in next time, its safer.
Not if there's a child standing there when you're backing in!
Generally speaking, hazards (including children) tend to be walking around the car park rather than standing in the backs of parking spaces. Of course you always need to exercise caution, but common sense (and statistics) will tell you that you are many times more likely to hit an object or person whilst backing out of a space, as opposed to backing into one.

Sirzy · 09/05/2019 18:15

So parents should take no responsibility for keeping their children safe then bong?

Goldmandra · 09/05/2019 18:18

It might be your job as a driver to look out for children and not run them over but if the child isn't visible through your mirrors or your windows, how can you do that.

I have two DDs with ASD. I've also been a childminder. Every four year old I've ever cared for has needed supervising in a carpark. ASD is irrelevant.

I don't think YABU to shout across the carpark to her. I assume you had your own child in the car so wouldn't really want to walk away from it.

She's got some big lessons to learn if she thinks the world is going to change because her child has ASD. It is her responsibility to keep him safe. She needs to start building routines to support that right now, like always holding hands around cars.

krustykittens · 09/05/2019 18:20

bong the OP was responsible, she was careful and vigilant while in control of a moving vehicle, which is why the child was not hit. No one on here is saying it wouldn't be their fault if they hit hit an unsupervised child in a car park, so I don't know what point you are trying to make. The mother also has a responsibility to look after her child and should have made sure the child wasn't wandering the car park unsupervised in the first place. Autism or not, she put him in harms way.

glueandstick · 09/05/2019 18:21

My 3/4 year old without autism has no bloody danger sense. It’s my job to keep her safe until she’s in a position to do it herself.

You were no way at fault.

Hell. My mum still reaches out for my hand when we cross the road 😂😂😂

Ratatatouille · 09/05/2019 18:22

Eh? OP didn't hit the child. She was vigilant and responsible, she saw him and she was able to brake in time to avoid an accident.

Do you seriously disagree that it's negligent to allow a preschooler - particularly one with ASD that means they lack road sense - to wander around a car park unattended? You genuinely think that his parent would absolved of any blame at all in the event of his being injured or killed? Parents have a duty to protect their children from danger.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/05/2019 18:22

I have autism but I'm pretty sure a car running over me because I stood behind it would do plenty of damage. Trust me, it's not that much of a sodding superpower.

Brilliant

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 18:24

YWNBU at all.
Of course you shouted - you'd just had a bloody shock that you nearly ran over a 4yo!
And of course she's an utter fuckwit - she should have had hold of her son, especially if he's autistic and has no awareness of danger etc.

Can't believe she tried to palm this off on you - stupid woman! I would second mentioning it to the nursery manager, by the way, in case the next person this happens to isn't so lucky - because you can bet your life that the stupid mother still won't take on board how nearly she lost her son because of her own fucking negligence today.

SpanishFly · 09/05/2019 18:25

This is exactly what the OP did! She didn't hit anyone!

notoafternoontea · 09/05/2019 18:26

@GreenEggsHamandChips well the OP didn't hit him, so she did her job just right.

And what can be achieved by shouting is maybe giving the mother a wake up call so she keeps a better eye on her kid.

OP, YANBU. But that must have been scary - hope you have a decently relaxing evening.

Fundays12 · 09/05/2019 18:28

My son has Asd and no real sense of danger. He is 7 and I still watch him like a hawk around cars etc for this reason. At 4 all parents regardless of if the child has Asd or no should be watching them. The fact she knows he has autism and has no sense of danger proves even more so it was her fault as she should have been watching him even more closely.

Fundays12 · 09/05/2019 18:29

I would make the nursery manager aware if I was you incase something similar or worse happens again.

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 09/05/2019 18:31

YWNBU

She has a job to look after her child ASD or not. As a mum who’s brought up a child with ASD I honestly cannot be faffed with people using it as a get out clause

JazzersMaw · 09/05/2019 18:32

At 4 our boy hadn’t been diagnosed but common sense told us you needed to hold his hand everywhere outside of the house/garden. You needed eyes everywhere with him, definitely needed more attention than his sibs at the same age. Frankly I’m astonished he’s reached adulthood more or less unscathed as we had lots of near misses. It was bloody stressful looking back but as his parent I knew it was my responsibility to keep him safe in public. Mind you, his other parent was a tad more blasé- unsurprisingly many of the close shaves happened on DH’s watch!

30not13 · 09/05/2019 18:32

This exact scenario happened to me a few months ago apart from it was at a t junction.

I do hope you're ok OP I know how much it can shake a person.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/05/2019 18:33

She's a knob. It's never going to be her fault that x, y or z happen because "oh he has Autism" as though that means she no longer has to watch and protect him because his Autism is going to stop your car.

And I say this as a parent to an Autistic teen who would absolutely have done the same thing as her son at that age, and who lived in reins at that age because I realised it was my bleeding job to keep my child alive rather than expect reversing drivers to spot a small escaping boy who could move like Usain Bolt when he felt the need to escape.

OP I appreciate that it's awful having a near-miss, particularly one involving a child. It sounds like you were paying enough attention to not mow him down, so you're in no way U. She's just a dick and she's clearly not sensitive to the danger an unsupervised 4 year old can get into.

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