Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel fed up of wiping my 11 year olds bum?

118 replies

8feet12paws2fins · 09/05/2019 16:00

Ok so fed up is definitely the wrong word. More disheartened and perhaps frustrated! 11 year old ds has dexterity issues, which he is having an assessment for amongst other issues. There are quite a few things he can’t do but the bum wiping is the biggest issue. He always has a go but he just ends up in more of a mess! He is an ‘adult sized’ child, with adult sized poos lol I love my kids and would do anything for them but am I awful for wanting to cry sometimes when I’m sat eating my dinner and I get a shout from upstairs ‘can you come and check my bum’ and I just know it will be a big smelly mess that awaits. I feel awful even saying it. Probably just tired and emotional today Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
8feet12paws2fins · 09/05/2019 16:45

As for what he does at school - he doesn’t need go to the loo at school. In reception he went, then came out in to the classroom to ask for his bum to be wiped, they obviously found it hilarious, he’s never been at school since. He goes as soon as he’s home and sometimes before bed. School trips are a none existent issue, he doesn’t go on residential trips because of his other issues (1 being that he isn’t able to control his bladder at night). Day trips - again he just waits until home.
I apologise if I’m cross posting or appearing to not reply to certain people, I can’t keep up lol

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 09/05/2019 16:47

Has he tried staying seated, spreading legs apart (holding bits out of the way with one hand obviously) and wiping back to front?

FleurNancy · 09/05/2019 16:47

Is he actually pooing ok? My DS is 10 and is on long term Movicol for bowel issues which seem to make the poo more sticky and harder to wipe. He's not terribly good at cleaning himself on occasions.

ParentalPanic · 09/05/2019 16:47

Ok, so this may or may not be useful but hey shrug I’m an adult with dyspraxia, diagnosed at 9. I had a problem with this, though nowhere near as challenging as your son seems to find it, and to be honest (without tmi)sometimes still get it wrong. I second about the amount of paper; I’ve had to come to accept that I’ll probably always use lots of loo roll!

What helped me was understanding that abig part of the issue with dexterity is lack of proprioceptive feedback, and not being able to judge where my hand is in relation to my body. So a light touch is difficult to manage. I have to use a firm touch, following,urm, backwards, pushed upwards towards my body so that I don’t get ...waylaid off the track if you like Blush I’d maybe see if he can try that several times with lots of paper (scrunched up large?), then wipes. Then when he’s tried that, maybe you check then?

As I say, may not be useful at all. But I find, if my body isn’t able to keep a straight line itself, maybe it needs a brace of some sort?

ArnoldBee · 09/05/2019 16:48

My mum was assessed by the ot and had a closomat toilet fitted. It washes and dries you :-)

DoulaDaisy · 09/05/2019 16:53

What is his diet like OP, it sounds like his stool might be a bit on the softer side if it's going every where when he's wiping? Might be worth looking into giving him more fibre so the poo's are more solid and less likely to make a bigger mess. It might help him in the long run.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 09/05/2019 16:54

If you have money to throw at the problem, definitely invest in a Japanese toilet. They're amazing.

Failing that, as others have mentioned, you can install an ablution hose. Brits are really weird about toilet paper somehow being cleaner. They're wrong. Before I moved to the Middle East I was the same, but now I will never be hose-less!

CakeUpWall · 09/05/2019 16:55

A shower toilet is much more convenient to use than a bidet, and they don't have to cost thousands. We had one fitted last year - you can pick up one which doesn't have the dryer for under £500. Just need to pat dry with loo roll.

I think that if you are fitting one due to a medical need, then you won't have to pay VAT - worth looking in to.

eggsandwich · 09/05/2019 16:55

I feel your pain only my ds is 19 and has special needs and I take care of his personal needs, unfortunately for him and me my ds is non verbal so I have to listen out for the bathroom door to go so I am ready for the regulation bum wipe as my ds is unable to do this himself.

Have you tried the packet of toilet wipes?

I get mine from Tesco as they are individual and your ds my find these easier, we had help from an occupational therapist but there ideas didn’t really help, but I’m just happy if he makes his needs known rather than getting himself in a mess.

Original poster
8feet12paws2fins · 09/05/2019 16:57

There has been some great advice on this thread so thank you all. Some I have already tried and some I will look in to. As I say when he finally has his assessment at the end of this month then I may have even more options.
is he actually pooing ok

Yes, he goes just fine, once or twice a day.

Someone else mentioned how he sits (sorry can’t remember who) he actually sits sideways on the toilet, he claims it’s more comfortable (I think it’s part of one of his other issues that he has to find his own routine and comforts) great for him but not great for the side of my toilet Blush

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 09/05/2019 17:00

If he's getting in such a mess is it because he doesn't have enough fibre in his diet? Ideally it should 'all drop away' without the need for lots of wiping.

TheMaddHugger · 09/05/2019 17:01

You have my heartfelt (((Madd Hugs))) OP🌺

starbrightnight · 09/05/2019 17:01

Like another poster said, maybe try adjusting his diet with fibre to try and change the consistency so his poos come out in a smooth sausage which doesn't leave such a messy bum.

Confuzzlediddled · 09/05/2019 17:02

My DS is severely dyspraxic and a few years ago attended a 'life skills' course with occupational therapy. It covered things like buttering bread, using cutlery and crucially bottom wiping. It might be worth contacting your local service to see if they offer anything like this? It was 5 days in the school holidays.

Iggly · 09/05/2019 17:03

I was also going to ask about his diet.

My younger dcs have messy poos when they’re quite sloppy - usually from too much dairy or crappy cakes etc but their normal diet poos are solid and don’t leave very much mess or wiping behind.

So i would consider his diet as well.

fourquenelles · 09/05/2019 17:04

Going against all advice 're wiping front to back but as he's a boy this isn't so important. Get him to wipe by putting his hand between his legs from the front and wipe forward. May be easier for him to find his bumhole this way and with practice he can hold his bits out of the way. Good luck.

Onecutefox · 09/05/2019 17:04

OP, ignore the trolls. Some people are just idiots.

Onecutefox · 09/05/2019 17:05

It maybe useful to put a step stool under his feet when he is on the loo. Some people find it more comfortable to sit like that.

DovePetal · 09/05/2019 17:05

Could he practice on his clean bottom in between poos?

Also in some Muslim countries they use a little watering can thing to rinse their bottoms after a poo - could you improvise using a slurry water/ sports bottle thing?

Good luck whatever you attempt.

Greenteandchives · 09/05/2019 17:06

The toilet paper holders people have mentioned are really difficult to manipulate if you have dexterity issues.
Have a look at something like the Biobidet, OP, which can be fitted to your toilet and gives you a wash and dry. Also a nice warm seat.
If you have an OT, you may be able to get it funded by the LA.

DovePetal · 09/05/2019 17:07

*squirty!!

Original poster
8feet12paws2fins · 09/05/2019 17:08

They are sausage shape, so much so that my rather classy dp just got back from work and said ‘Jesus, who’s been to the toilet, it’s about 12 inches long and is staring out the top of the water’ 😩 so it’s not as if they aren’t ‘formed’ (sweet lord I cannot believe I’m discussing consistency - apologies to those who are sensitive to this kind of thing).

confuzzlediddled
That would be amazing if somewhere around here did that! No matter how many times I have tried, he just CAN NOT get the hang of holding cutlery or buttering bread etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
8feet12paws2fins · 09/05/2019 17:16

Have had a look at some of the links, the portable bidet bowl things aren’t really suitable for our house because the toilet is in a separate room to our sink and bath (as I stated previously they are all next to each other but the sink and toilet are separated by a wall obviously)

OP posts:
TrifleAndChampagne · 09/05/2019 17:19

'You have my heartfelt (((Madd Hugs))) OP🌺'

Just as well your original post was deleted isn't it. Why don't you do an AS before troll hunting @TheMadHugger to prevent distressing genuine posters? Or, I don't know, report?

Sounds very tough op, it's ok to get exasperated sometimes Flowers.