AIBU - MIL

[TLBftm]

Guys please give me your thoughts on a few things, I don’t know if I’m being selfish or bitchy about these issues, me and the MIL get on great and always have but since having my DS she is irritating me, thoughts?!

1 - if DS drops his dummy, SHE picks it up and sucks it clean. I don’t think I’m on with that but what do I say?!
2 - she kind of acts like I’m not present, it’s all daddy this and daddy that, I had my arms out to take him from her the other day and she bypassed me and passed DS to my partner (who wasn’t even looking to take DS)
3 - She is retiring as of September (when my mat leave ends) and the reason, I’m her words is ‘so she can look after her grandson and I can work) which is a massive help on costs but it hasn’t been discussed, I might not go straight back, I might want a childminder where there are other children, I might want to put him in nursery!?
4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school!!
5 - she makes comments when she knows DS has seen my mum, it’s almost like she’s not that interested in him until she knows he’s been around my mum, then she has to have a go too... HE ISNT A TOY!

There’s so much more too guys and I’ve tried to bring it up with my partner who says things like he hasn’t noticed, maybe she wasn’t thinking, she probably didn’t mean it like that etc etc but it’s bothering me loads and I don’t know what to do without causing agro 😩 advice??

I take it you arent in the UK seeing as we dont put names down for schools at birth, unless shes intending Eton or Haarrow ?

Number 4 you need to get your partner to get his head out of his arse and sort this out. Spell it out to him that this behaviour is not normal and cannot continue. If he wont sort it, stop seeing mil.

Putting names down for schools is totally irrelevant in the UK, all decisions are made by the LEA.

She needs hugely bringing round to reason, is your DP on your side?

You are right to be concerned, seems very over the top. Think carefully about the childcare, maybe suggest to her she stays on part time and would miss her work and workmates. This should really all have been discussed with all of you. If she does full time child care, what would happen if she was ill, went on holiday or wanted a day off? Lots to think about. The school thing is very odd.

First of all, you are the mother and you have a voice, so use it. As for the dummy issue, that's disgusting so just tell her to stop. The next time it happens, speak up immediately and put an end to it.

When she ignores you trying to take your child, just say "Excuse me! I want him right now."

As far as the childcare and school, ignore her and do what you want. I will say you need to tell your partner to wake up and start dealing with his mum when she steps out of line.

You need to start communicating.

1. Please don’t do that MIL, you will actually be adding more germs to the dummy. Instead please do x, y, z
2. MIL I am DS Mum and I’m waiting to take him. Big smile.
3. You are letting her retire and think she will be doing childcare. You need to tell her ASAP if that’s not happening. No matter what you decide you will need to decide soon if you are going to need childcare for September. Your leaving that late.
4. You cant apply for school yet it’s too early. Is it school nursery then just ignore it because you can put names down for as many of those as you like.

She put his name down for a school near her? What did you say to her about this?

Re the dummy sucking - erk ! If you are reluctant to say something , maybe use a dummy clip which attaches to his shirt. That would stop the dropping so the situation won't happen.

Re the "retiring so she can do the child care", I'd speak to DH about this and then either her, or both of you, can approach her to explain that you still haven't decided what arrangements you are going to make in the future. Same with the school thing - this is very cheeky of her ! You and DP need to nip this in the bud.

Your DP is using avoidance tactics - pretending he doesn't notice . He really needs to step up and defend you ! He is still in "son mode" - he needs to get his brain around the fact that he is now a partner and father, not his mother's little boy.

Those saying it’s too early to put a name down for a place, I did this when one of mine was a few weeks old, it was a very long time ago mind.

You just need to deal with things as they arise, i.e.

1. "Uh no don't do that, you wouldn't take something from my mother nor I yours, give it here and I'll rinse it" it can be said breezily enough but ignoring it means she keeps doing it, so you saying nothing means she thinks it's fine to do. It's one of those things said sooner as it will be a bigger issue later

1. " Eh hello, mammy here, thanks I'll take him" and just take him

1. "Wow that's a lovely offer, thanks so much, we'll have a chat about it with do and we haven't decided on what childcare we will use yet"

1. "Haha eh pretty sure that's our job. Please don't do stuff like that, we have no decisions made and when we do we will deal with it"

1. Ignore

Pick your battles - childcare & school are over stepping so stamp that out. The soother is yuck so just say it but it's probably her not thinking.

Oh crikey she needs to back off!! A couple of these remind me of my MIL: she told me that she had been chatting to the headmaster of the school near her and he was expecting my call about signing up DS! She also spoke to the Vicar about having DS christened, which we never planned to do. As the DC got older and she started to lose interest, I would mention that DM was going to do X with them, and it was all 'no, I'll do it! Ring your DM now and tell her you don't need her' , etc. I would advise, if you can afford it, not to use MIL for childcare - I can't see that working out well. If you're having problems with boundaries already, imagine how much worse it will be when she's one of his main carers and is feeling more and more entitled to do and say what she wants.

You need to sort out the childcare you consider imo not only the best option for dc but best for your mh also.
No way will you get through your working day thinking she is pushing a pram wearing a 'who's the mama?' t shirt....

*From my mouth

Address the retirement issue ASAP.
Erm mil don’t retire to look after DS he will be going to nursery to learn how to socialise!
Also he won’t be going to that nursery mil! I suggest you “de register” him or you will look like a psycho granny!
Intercept the dummy. Don’t allow it to be put back in his mouth.
Say “eew!” Hold it at arms length. Make it clear you are disgusted.
Say “pass him to me I’m stood here with my arms out fgs” or do the same and instead of passing him to her pass him to someone (anyone) else. Even a fucking stranger in the street. (Joke)
Your DP is useless.

You have to be brave, put on your big girl pants and tell her (nicely). "Please don't suck the dummy. Wash it and put it back in the sterilizer". Open up a discussion about childcare. Maybe your own DM might like to do a share? And you think a nursery would be better for socialising dc, plus they're much better equipped. Maybe let MIL do one day? And tell her you're still considering schools and you'll let her know when you've decided - which may not be any time soon.

MIL here had DS2 when I went back to work a couple of days a week. It was super kind of her, and lovely, but there was a definite feeling underneath that she saw him as hers, and that my opinions and wants went totally ignored on "her" days. It's a difficult thing to balance because, if you do use her for childcare, it's a huge favour but if it comes with strings attached it can be tricky to address without you coming over like a dick who just uses her (and I mean that nicely, because you don't sound like a dick at all).

You have to be firm on the things that matter; the dummy thing is revolting and needs you to say "that's not ok, don't do it". The ignoring you, your DP needs to have your back and say "hand him back to TLB" and as for the school, that's not her decision to make so you and your DP can simply say "no, that's not happening".

My MIL is a bit overbearing but her underlying intent is generally good - I think most MILs are. It must be hard for a MIL to know how involved to be without getting it wrong and whilst our relationship has changed since having the DC and it's taken her time to get used to the fact that I'm the one in charge, she's also been a huge help to our family and has adored our DC more than I can say.

I think as a DIL if you're direct and honest with her, the easier life (and your friendship) with her will be. But her DS needs to toughen up just a little bit, too.

Id be looking for a childminder/creche. If she's this intrusive already she'll get a lot worse if she has baby all day every day when you're at work. As for school, let her try to enrol him in every school in the country - she has no authority to do so and no school should take her seriously. Time to set boundaries now before you end up losing it with her. She needs to know her place in baby's life and it's not in a parenting role.

I had to put my children’s names down for school as you have to apply for a nursery place through the school and then to the LEA from reception.

YANBU. Think it’s time to have a word about overstepping boundaries xx

Please get a nursery sorted out. Better for socialising, messy play, visits from fire service etc, early education. No dependency on one individual not getting unwell or getting in a strop
GPs can mind DC when they are unwell.
I would have thought only a parent can put a child down for a school - I take it she is referring to a private school? So has she paid a deposit? State schools do not operate like this, do they?
Next time you catch her sucking the dummy, pretend to heave/retch, and snatch it away 'oh, that's DISGUSTING' (and don't ever do this yourself!)

Can she put his name down for a school?

Sounds as if you need to speak up!

If you generally get on though, try not to fall into the trap of everything she does pissing you off.

if DS drops his dummy, SHE picks it up and sucks it clean. I don’t think I’m on with that but what do I say?!

Ugh. No need to say anything. Wash it ostentatiously and give it back to him. Or just put it in the bin.

Don't take the childcare. You'll live to regret it.

Make your own schooling arrangements.

Anything verbal, either tackle it head on or ignore it totally, depending on whether she enjoys a fight or not (i.e. don't give her the satisfaction).

You can put child's names down for schools ours is on the list. Just a prep school not exactly Eton or Harrow

Those saying it’s too early to put a name down for a place, I did this when one of mine was a few weeks old, it was a very long time ago mind.

Whether you can put names down or not, if it's a maintained or Academy school it won't give you any advantage whatsoever: they offer places according to strict criteria, normally prioritising looked after children and those with EHCPs, then siblings and people living closest. The fact that your child's name has been on the list for four years means nothing.

As pp said about the dummy whip it straight off her and wash it before she gets a chance to give it to him, make sure you do it with a look of disgust.

If you can afford to use childcare do it because she will feel she has more say in everything once she is the childcare provider.

Take your DS off her whenever you feel like it so she gets the message that you are in charge and he is your son.

I don't know why some mils treat their Dil like this (mine doesn't but SIL was a hug pita at times) they have had their own children surely they can put themselves in the mother's position and realise that they are over stepping? Is it CFery or just sheer stupidity I wonder.

Oh and as for the school I would have laughed in her face and told her not to be so ridiculous as to think she would be picking my child's school.