AIBU - MIL

[TLBftm]

Guys please give me your thoughts on a few things, I don’t know if I’m being selfish or bitchy about these issues, me and the MIL get on great and always have but since having my DS she is irritating me, thoughts?!

1 - if DS drops his dummy, SHE picks it up and sucks it clean. I don’t think I’m on with that but what do I say?!
2 - she kind of acts like I’m not present, it’s all daddy this and daddy that, I had my arms out to take him from her the other day and she bypassed me and passed DS to my partner (who wasn’t even looking to take DS)
3 - She is retiring as of September (when my mat leave ends) and the reason, I’m her words is ‘so she can look after her grandson and I can work) which is a massive help on costs but it hasn’t been discussed, I might not go straight back, I might want a childminder where there are other children, I might want to put him in nursery!?
4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school!!
5 - she makes comments when she knows DS has seen my mum, it’s almost like she’s not that interested in him until she knows he’s been around my mum, then she has to have a go too... HE ISNT A TOY!

There’s so much more too guys and I’ve tried to bring it up with my partner who says things like he hasn’t noticed, maybe she wasn’t thinking, she probably didn’t mean it like that etc etc but it’s bothering me loads and I don’t know what to do without causing agro 😩 advice??

1. Wouldn't bother me unless she smokes or is contagious. She's not a stranger. BUT if you don't like it I'd tell her to run it under a tap or whatever is available.

1. I would find annoying but nothing major, maybe she feels her son needs to bond more. Or she's being petty.. I wouldn't give it head space either way.

1. Weird considering there's been no discussion so I would make it clear nothing has been decided yet.

1. Again weird, not her decision at all and you need to be clear on that.

1. Are you sure that's what's happening or is your perception clouded due to the other things?

4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school!!

That's really taking a liberty, I'd have to have a word with her this. Absolutely not her place at all.

Point 5 seems to kind of contradict the rest of your points though, she's over interested but then she's not interested unless your DS has seen your mother?

agree with others pay for childcare at least on some days otherwise she will be ruling your life for the next 4 years.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2018/11/16/mothers-suck-childs-dummy-clean-may-help-prevent-allergies/amp/

Interesting article regarding sucking Dummies clean

You will be notified when the time has come for you to choose schools (1st, 2nd and 3rd preferences. Then luck of the draw)

Tell her NOW not to retire for your benefit and you both haven't decided on you returning to work or what childcare you will use.

Speak up!!

Move? Put a couple of hours distance between you and her?

Agree that point 5 is a bit contradicting to the other points which is why I wonder if it's just the OPs judgement being a bit skewed.

I'd have serious issues with:
2 - she kind of acts like I’m not present, it’s all daddy this and daddy that, I had my arms out to take him from her the other day and she bypassed me and passed DS to my partner (who wasn’t even looking to take DS)
3 - She is retiring as of September (when my mat leave ends) and the reason, I’m her words is ‘so she can look after her grandson and I can work) which is a massive help on costs but it hasn’t been discussed
4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house.
5 - she makes comments when she knows DS has seen my mum, it’s almost like she’s not that interested in him until she knows he’s been around my mum, then she has to have a go too

Get your DP on board and sort it out.

It's the way that she has gone about it, isn't it?

Does she think that you/your husband would be guilted into accepting the childcare because she gave up work to do it?

What does your husband think of it all?

Dolly complex some grandparents get. My mother tried it with dd. Not as bad - we live a distance away, but still she didn’t get far.... Who cares if she gets upset or thinks you’re rude. You’re advocating for your child.

Next time she picks his dummy up just say

I’ll wash that
I’ll get a fresh one

Ladies, thank you all so much genuinely! I’m glad to know I’m not being ridiculous by being annoyed at these issues and as mentioned earlier, there’s more!

The dummy thing happened at the weekend at a family gathering on DPs side and it was from across the fiction room I saw i her do it otherwise I think I would have said something but to walk over after I front of a lot of DPs other family and say something jut felt so awkward. I did mention it to DP after and he said he’d mention to her not to do that, whether he will or not who knows but I will definitely speak up next time.

The school signing up... its the nursery section of the school should have said.... and it’s a strict C of E school which we me and my DP have already discussed we won’t be christening DS.

The childcare thing I really should mention to her like you all say, it was just awkward at the time and was mentioned while we were out for lunch and my DP sort of replied before I could like oh cool that’s a big help isn’t it... and they seemed so happy about it all that I just bottled it 😕 me and DP have since discussed it and I think the plan is for me to go back to work in January for various reasons... and I’ll be going back part time so I think maybe the best thing is for her to have him 1 day a week... I just don’t really know how to bring that up and approach it, as someone mentioned, I guess I’m gonna have to put my big girl pants on!

I always mention these sorts of things to DP because I feel like one day I’ll explode at her and he won’t have a clue why etc so I feel like I’m giving him chance to back me up before it all goes sour. He has said ‘well I’ll have a word with her if you want’ but I just feel like that’s so awkward... I’d much rather he picked up on these things as they happen and say something light hearted that’s gets the message across to her but he just doesn’t! He says he thinks she just maybe feels ‘pushed out’ and by this he means because DS stayed the night at my mums a couple of weeks ago because he was working away and I had to spend a night in the hospital. Which ever since she’s made comments on that too, she actually said to DS ‘did you sleep at your other nanas.... we won’t be having that again will we’ erm sorry, why?! My child my choice! And now asks regularly when he can stay at hers. She also calls sometimes and says shall she come pick him up and take him to her house for a few hours.... why?! If you want to see him you are than welcome but we can all be together, you don’t have take him from me. I chose to have a child to love and bond with not to pass him off so I can sit on my backside. I just don’t understand her!

1 - i didnt personally do this (makes me feel sick) but new studies show that parents/grandparents who suck a childs dummy before them are helping them and you are boosting their immune system.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/10875756/Mothers-should-suck-their-babies-dummies-scientists-say.html

2 - DH needs to make a jokey comment and draw attention to what MIL is doing. "haha mummy not good enough?" or pass DC straight over to you.

3 - i would not even entertain her minding him. She has decided for you and this will only get worse when shes spending more time with him than you are. just no.

4 - I would not send him to this school out of principal and would also get DH to have a word or comment on it.

5 - nothing you can do about this apart from maybe not tell her your mums been etc.

It is like I feel out of control around her like she tries to be the parent. I said to DH he’s our son, she’s had her children and had her turn and now it’s our turn and he just says oh she’s only trying to help etc which I’m sure she is, I’m sure has has only the best intentions but I don’t like it! I’m definitely going to speak up more, if it causes problems, it causes problems, at least I know my son is being cared for in the way I choose and not her

" ‘well I’ll have a word with her if you want’ "

That's rather pushing it back to you/hoping that you'll say no, isn't it?

Did MIL know that you had to go to hospital?

Did she offer help?

I think a lot of women who are at home with their kids make the decisions about childcare & are likely to turn to their own mum.

It's not spiteful, & you can't then hand the child to MIL to make it fair!

As long as she sees him & has a chance at a relationship.

The only BU here is that your baby is 4 months and you remain in the daughter in law role as opposed to mother role. You need to remind her that as mum, you (and DH) are in charge. She can offer or ask and you must thank her for her kindness before making your decision that fits in with your family. She's obviously used to being in charge, but now her baby is grown up and you are the mother.
As for the dummy thing, and probably numerous other things. That was totally normal in her child rearing time. Things have moved on and it's up to you to help her move on so she can fall in with how you parent. Think nuts, cutting up grapes and do forth!!
All the best!! Maybe take her for a coffee for a proper chat about each other's expectations and wishes. Congratulations on your baby, also on having a loving grandma who wants to be involved (but needs reigning in)

Macandcheese05 - totally, I’ve read about that too and I suck his dummy and so does DP, I don’t see the issue with us doing it but something about others doing it grosses me out.

Totally agree about her minding him too.... I just feel like I should have said something in the first place 😬 but at the time, me and DP hadn’t really discussed options etc so it wasn’t like I could interrupt and say oh actually we plan to this.... it’s hard to now bring it back up, like oh btw you know 2 month ago you said this... well... 🤔 I think I’ll have to wait until it’s brought up again but I know she will question me and ask why I don’t want her to have him all the time and stuff, she just makes things awkward for me.

The school we have since decided is a no no, we have heard bad things about the head teacher and her views on certain things and it’s totally not us and don’t want it to be DS either. Plus there are 2 other very nice schools closer to us. I think I’ll just leave that subject alone unless she brings it up again.

And the last point.... I have stopped mentioning it but then I almost feel guilty like I’m covering up the fact I’ve been with my mum, I don’t know why it’s a problem to her! She lives 10 mins up the road from us and my mum lives about an hour away so sees him less than her anyway.

Thank you for responding, it’s making me feel tougher ready everyone’s responses and less like I’m just being horrible!

Op YANBU! I'm getting mad for you reading your posts!!

If you don't feel the need for your dc to have a sleepover at hers, say no. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I was personally the same and my eldest only stayed at my parents when dc2 was arriving!

My friend has been in a similar situation to you and the one day a week peace offering did not go well to say the least. She took her shoe shopping and got her first shoes. She fed her ice cream at 8 months and repeatedly did it. She refused to follow the same nap schedule and her DD was a nightmare sleeping that night. She found that every time her dc went there it would take a day or two to get her back into a routine.

If you can afford it, I would put my dc in childcare the whole time you aren't working. They follow your instructions to the letter and it's great for them to be around other little ones when they're running about.

Sit your DP down and have a firm discussion with him, he shouldn't be dismissing your concerns.

My MIL is great, I love her like my own mum but she did overstep the mark when our first arrived and DH quickly made it known that her behaviour wasn't appreciated and unacceptable. She stopped and all was fine. She's a huge part of my dcs lives.

One thing I would add though is especially if it's a first grandchild, as annoying as her behaviour is. It's probably a learning curve for her and everyone's boundaries are so different she's not going to know where she stands unless your DP or you guide her. Obviously some of the stuff she's done is blatantly over the line, but you both need to speak up.

diddl

Yes she know about the hospital and offered to have DS, by this point I’d already arranged with my mum to have him and told her this and she didn’t really respond... again, it might be me being horrible here, but I don’t want him staying there over night until he’s much older. I trust my own mum more obvs and MIL doesn’t fill me with confidence, when he cries she hands him back and says things like ‘oh I can’t do with crying go to your mum’

And yeah you’re right, DP probably was hoping I’d say no don’t say anything! I feel kind of bad because it’s his mum, and I feel like he’s been out in the middle a bit and I know he won’t want to upset either of us but it’s grating I’m me that he allows her to say some of the things she does to me!

sockatoe

Thank you so much! I am lucky to have such loving family around us on both sides. Which is why I guess Ive found it hard to speak up, I don’t want to ruin any relationships.

But I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there with DIL thing and her not seeing me as mum. Maybe being a bit more authoritative with DS around her might help

Maybe, if she mentions it again, just tell her you’re not 100% sure when you’re going back to work yet and even if it’ll be FT. If you want to give a vague answer, state the above and “maybe you could have him for a day a week if you want to?”. She how she reacts and responds.

dinosbuddy

Response of the day!! :) I deffo feel a bit better about it all already knowing now that I’m not being stupid over this. I feel ready to tackle the situation haha! DP has been a bit useless in these matters but I can’t knock him for anything else he’s amazing with us, I think once I say something he will back me, I think he’s just feeling like I am, like it’s awkward to bring up and he doesn’t want to upset his mum.

And In regards to her following my routines etc she’s already shown she doesn’t with various little things! When DS stayed at my mums I went through his bedtime routine with her even down to kissing his forehead and the things I say to him when putting him down and the next day I asked her did you kiss his head and tell him this this and this.... and she said yes and don’t doubt her. But MIL doesn’t listen, he’s dribbling loads atm so I say to her, leave his bib on and next thing, she’s taking it off... just things like that! I just need to figure out how I’m going to approach the childcare thing with her

She is overstepping big time. Funny enough it's the school decision that would send me into a rage. That is a decision for parents alone.
However, am I the only one who thinks a grandparent looking after the child while parents are working is a good thing. I did this with my own mil and they were all loved (4 kids) and have great memories from their time with her. Kids upto 3 in my opinion do not need socialisation. I've never regretted employing her (oh and we paid mil).
I had loads of niggling irritants with her but I just made sure she knew who is in the pecking order without making her feel she was just the hired help.
Start as you mean to go on op, someday you might be the mil and see a different perspective though.

Point 5 seems to kind of contradict the rest of your points though, she's over interested but then she's not interested unless your DS has seen your mother?

Few comments like the above, its not contradicting, it’s as if she tries to be the parent doing all the stuff like putting his name down etc but she doesn’t actually make that much effort to see him. It’s always us. My DP often says like ‘I’m a bit pee’d off with my mum she hasn’t even so much as called this week to ask how he is’ it’s a strange one, not that bothered for seeing him unless he’s seen my mum like I say, but so bothered about making choices for him that should be my choices.

And as someone else said... it’s the way she’s gone about it. I’d have no issue in her calling me and saying ‘I’m passing the school, have you decided if this is where you’re sending DS yet as I could bob in and put his name down?’ Or asking me ‘what are you doing about work and childcare, I could always retire and help out if you like’ does that make sense? Like why not just ask me about these things? Why just go do it without even knowing my plans/thoughts.

I feel irrelevant around her!

1 - Yuck, that's disgusting! 'Urgh MIL, please don't do that. Rise it and put it in the steraliser or pout it on the side please'
2 - 'Umm, hello. I'm here please give him to me'
3 - 'We haven't decided what we're doing yet. DH and I will discuss it'
4 - 'Why did you do that? We don't want him at that school, and anyway that's something DH and I will do thanks'
5 - Just give a big eye roll