AIBU - MIL

[TLBftm]

Guys please give me your thoughts on a few things, I don’t know if I’m being selfish or bitchy about these issues, me and the MIL get on great and always have but since having my DS she is irritating me, thoughts?!

1 - if DS drops his dummy, SHE picks it up and sucks it clean. I don’t think I’m on with that but what do I say?!
2 - she kind of acts like I’m not present, it’s all daddy this and daddy that, I had my arms out to take him from her the other day and she bypassed me and passed DS to my partner (who wasn’t even looking to take DS)
3 - She is retiring as of September (when my mat leave ends) and the reason, I’m her words is ‘so she can look after her grandson and I can work) which is a massive help on costs but it hasn’t been discussed, I might not go straight back, I might want a childminder where there are other children, I might want to put him in nursery!?
4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school!!
5 - she makes comments when she knows DS has seen my mum, it’s almost like she’s not that interested in him until she knows he’s been around my mum, then she has to have a go too... HE ISNT A TOY!

There’s so much more too guys and I’ve tried to bring it up with my partner who says things like he hasn’t noticed, maybe she wasn’t thinking, she probably didn’t mean it like that etc etc but it’s bothering me loads and I don’t know what to do without causing agro 😩 advice??

Thank you IABUQueen, totally taking in your responses!

fedup21....I didn’t really get much chance to say anything, part of me was taken back by the cheek of it, but also, at this point my DS was weeks old and me and DP hadn’t even discussed schools etc so I didn’t have anything to go back with such as ‘oh thanks but we are sending him here’ etc.... and my DP has already responded to her saying oh cool thank you. He didn’t get it, when I vented my feelings about this to him later he was just like ‘hmm yeah I know what you mean love but she’s just trying to help isn’t she’ I do wish I just said ‘oh have you, that’s kinda my job but heyho, anyway we don’t know which school he’ll be going to yet’ in a jokey fashion... I don’t know why I didn’t

OP - I hope this thread gives you more oomph to confront your MIL when she says or does batshit stuff again in the future, I've been there myself, second guessing if I'm going mad or not but then when confirmed that my MIL is too overbearing by others I feel more prepared to pull her up on stuff.

Genuine question though, to everyone - can a MIL or another relative actually put a child which is not their's name down at a school? That seems absolutrly crazy. I wonder if she's saying she has but actually she hasn't as she's just trying to find some way to force OP into going to that school.

My MIL nagged and nagged and nagged regarding having my DS for childcare.
My answer was simple "he's going to nursery that's where I want him to be" end of.
She did eventually stop banging on about it.

I'm a MIL. I have a DD. She often stays with her 'other nan' but not with us. It makes me very sad that I'm not 'allowed' to have my son's daughter to stay.

• sorry DGD

Livvy I understand that you are sad if the DGD already does overnights at the other gran. Does her mum not go with her ??

Do you have respectful trusting relationship with your DIL? Respect her opinion as a primary career for her child and don’t dismiss her judgement ?

YANBU your MiL sounds like a nightmare.

It sounds like you need to find your voice with her. You're putting a lot of energy into making sure she doesn't feel awkward, disrespected or uncomfortable- but she clearly doesn't give a damn whether you feel any of those things!

Yes she will feel uncomfortable and upset if she's corrected- but that's fine.

Nip it in the bud or it will get worse. It's hard when everyone else (especially DH) is willing to go along with her nonsense to keep the peace.

Be ready- have a few phases ready to interject when she is overstepping.

'MIL- don't do that with the dummy - that's not recommended these days.'
'MIL- did you not see me here? Please hand baby to me, thank you.'
'MiL- thanks for the suggestion about X. We'll let you know our decision down the road.'
'MiL- haha Im the mum, I'll make those choices.'
'Oh MIL- I'll see my own mother whenever I like thanks! I didn't know you were my parole officer haha. Scone?'

Practice them in the mirror. Be ready for them. Trust your gut in the moment, even if only enough to say 'MIL I'm not sure how I feel about X, can you please leave that until I decide.' You don't need to have all the answers about parenting DD yet- you just need to make it clear that YOU and DH are the decision makers and she is not.

Don't indulge her in this score keeping with your mother. It's almost always going to be 'uneven' in one way or another.

And you and DH need to speak to her about childcare. Don't let her assume and retire based on that. Talk to DH- say you're not sure yet. Then if she is silly enough to retire based on that it's her own fault.

" It makes me very sad that I'm not 'allowed' to have my son's daughter to stay."

But you do see your GD & have a relationship with her?