AIBU - MIL

[TLBftm]

Guys please give me your thoughts on a few things, I don’t know if I’m being selfish or bitchy about these issues, me and the MIL get on great and always have but since having my DS she is irritating me, thoughts?!

1 - if DS drops his dummy, SHE picks it up and sucks it clean. I don’t think I’m on with that but what do I say?!
2 - she kind of acts like I’m not present, it’s all daddy this and daddy that, I had my arms out to take him from her the other day and she bypassed me and passed DS to my partner (who wasn’t even looking to take DS)
3 - She is retiring as of September (when my mat leave ends) and the reason, I’m her words is ‘so she can look after her grandson and I can work) which is a massive help on costs but it hasn’t been discussed, I might not go straight back, I might want a childminder where there are other children, I might want to put him in nursery!?
4 - she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school!!
5 - she makes comments when she knows DS has seen my mum, it’s almost like she’s not that interested in him until she knows he’s been around my mum, then she has to have a go too... HE ISNT A TOY!

There’s so much more too guys and I’ve tried to bring it up with my partner who says things like he hasn’t noticed, maybe she wasn’t thinking, she probably didn’t mean it like that etc etc but it’s bothering me loads and I don’t know what to do without causing agro 😩 advice??

I also put DC names down at the school, however all it was was a registration of interest in effect so that when application time came I received a letter reminding me of their current entry requirements and inviting me to an open evening.

she actually said to DS ‘did you sleep at your other nanas.... we won’t be having that again will we’ erm sorry, why?!

Wow! Did you not say anything to her at the time? I think something along the lines of "WE will be having that as often as WE like!"

The dummy sucking is an old school resolution to certain cultures.. I think it was considered clever . Saw someone do it.

Everything else a bit over the top. I would be upset too

5foot5

Yes she said that! I’m annoyed at myself that I didn’t say anything at the time. I’m more one of those people that thinks of what to say later on haha. But I was shocked also. It was round a table out to eat so there were various other conversations going on and I don’t even know if she knows I heard as she was looking directly at DS saying it to him... I mentioned it on the way home to DP who said he heard it too and he was annoyed but I couldn’t let I go I was fuming, my mum wouldn’t dream of saying something like that. So the more I harped on about it to him the more... annoyed? Maybe.... he got (at me) Then he was saying things like, is that definitely what she said though, and I was like, you said earlier you heard her!!! And he was saying I’m sure she was joking and wasn’t being horrible. Which I’m sure she wasn’t setting out to be the demon but what was the need? Really upset me that she would say something like that.

I think now, because a lot has gone on, I won’t be sitting back and ignoring, I feel like it’s got to a point now where I will say something. Depending on the time of the month will depend how it comes across I guess 😬

Sorry but you're going to have to be prepared to speak up and just matter a factly say stuff like "oh he won't be going to that school", "we're planning to use a nursery". If she has any kind of comeback be prepared with something "well of course we'll be deciding we're his parents "!

Don't argue with her. It's not for discussion with her you dont have to justify yourself. Better if you've discussed with dp though and you're on the same page.

If you don't be prepared for years of silently seething. Then eventually exploding and appearing like a nutter.

she actually said to DS ‘did you sleep at your other nanas.... we won’t be having that again will we’

Tell her not to play games like that involving your DS. If she has some shit to say she can say it to you like a grown-up.

And now asks regularly when he can stay at hers. She also calls sometimes and says shall she come pick him up and take him to her house for a few hours. Fucking weird. Tell her no. Nothing further.

As for the idea that there's nothing you can do about your mum seeing DS apart from not telling her –no. Why on earth should you hide things from her like that just so she doesn't kick off? Tell her firmly and calmly to leave off with those comments, it's not a point-scoring exercise and you won't hear any more. And then if she brings it up again, a cold stare and a reminder if necessary that you're not playing.

Op I’m like you. I kept preparing myself mentally for replies when put in these awkward situations. Then I realised whenever these things happen I get so shocked and dumb founded I get a tongue tie.

It’s because I just never expect this from people and havent been wired to think this is normal. This is what your MIL is relying on. She has got comfortable due to the fact she knows you won’t know how to respond and so she doesn’t have to answer to your boundaries.

I would suggest you expect that in these Situations you won’t be able to think of an answer on the spot. Because you might get a brain freeze and get nervous.

So memorise a phrase that works in all situations, is harmless, but gives you a say and makes her realise she doesn’t call all the shots.. slowly, you can build it up and she will start getting uncomfortable with enforcing her ways.

“Will think about it and get back to you”
“Will discuss with DH privately and see what WE decide”
“ I see your opinion is..., I think I do things differently but thanks anyway”.
“Let’s discuss this I DH presence as id like me and him to make that decision together”.
“Don’t worry MIL, we have this under control, you don’t need to deal with this as I’m sure you gave your fair share of hard work to your own kids and now it’s our turn”.

The above works when she is enforcing her opinions.

As if she is being too curious and comparing too much with your mum or others:

“ oh I’m too shy to share that much private details”
“ It seems to matter to you a lot, why do you ask?”
“Is something bothering you?”
“ I can’t remember of the top of my head, does it matter?”
“Oh my mum never asks me that, you are too curious MIL hahaha”

PM me if you like and we can go through this horror together as we sound like we have twins for MIL and we are both short for words and need a push.

Yanbu, but I don't have the answer.

My relationship with my in laws suffered after I had their grandchild. I feel sometimes as if I'm just rent a womb for them to play dollies. My dh is like yours, in that he will say he didn't notice, or that they mean well.

In laws have been incredibly rude to me and dh has failed to say anything. I don't expect him to have a full blown row with them, but he could politely, or even in a jokey way, say something, but he doesn't.

Our relationship has also suffered as a consequence.

If I were you I wouldn't bother asking her for childcare, it will only make her worse.

GabriellaMontez

I think that’s my worry, there’s only so much BS I take before I explode, and I will look like the butter which isn’t fair. I think that’s why I mention everything to my DP even though it’s a bit awkward coz it’s his mum! But then at least if I do explode, he knows why and knows he hasn’t helped prevent it!

Marvelendgamekids

I’ve said that to DP a few times, that it needs nipping in the bud cos I almost feel myself being mad at him about it and I feel like it will affect us down the line. We’ve already had a few arguments over it which isn’t us, it’s upsetting cos we are usually a great team and if either of us has an issue, we sit down and discuss it. Don’t always agree, but always agree to disagree or come to a compromise. But with this it’s just different, awkward. And I know it will be the death of our relationship if not sorted.

And I’m the same as you, I don’t want him to cause a spat with them over it but as you say, at least make a jokey remark like ‘wow mum that was out of order, you got up on wrong side of bed today’ just something to put it in her mind that maybe she shouldn’t have said that or done that

Or just make a jokey statement:

“Awwwww MIL ur missing being a mummy, I will allow you to take my position for today.”

Use your big girl words and tell her “no”

No, my child is not attending that school!
No, don’t give him a dirty dummy!
You do realise he’s my child too? Etc.

Stand up to her or forever be the dirt beneath her shoes! Don’t worry about offending her, she doesn’t worry about offending you and have words about her controlling behaviour with your spineless husband for pities sake.

You are the mother. The parents have responsibility and authority not gp. Your dp needs to step up. You will have plenty of battles, may as well get used to holding your corner. Practice saying I am the mother and keep her away. Many threads like this, look at them, it will get worse if you are not v firm

She sounds like my DM, overbearing but probably well meaning. My DM has a tendency to act like the parent, and not just with the DDs. But I found that being assertive made her back off, as of course we are the parents and our decision is final.

It’s harder for you, of course, as it’s your MIL. So it’s up to your DH to be firm with her.

NannyRed

You are so right, haven’t thought of it like that! Been so worried about offending not upsetting her but she clearly doesn’t worry about doing the same to me. Thanks :)

And yes, I do feel like it’s on my DP to intervene. I would of it was the other way around... so far he’s not been much use. I can kind of see why, but I am deffo having a chat with him tonight. Just gonna day he either backs me up and puts her straight or I’m gonna and I don’t know how it will come out or what the repercussions may be so the choice is his 💆🏻‍♀️

“Oh MIL, that’s sweet of you, wish you asked me before though I would’ve told you that that’s not my choice of school. You know, mum knows best”.

If you DP isn't going to do anything proactively then definitely speak up. This is your kid and your life. She fits in with what you want not the other way round.

If she gets the hump then he can sort it as he should have sorted it in the first place.

My MIL probably thinks I'm super feisty but I am really clear on how we parent and what we do and don't like (I see her more that my DP...) but my DP is on the same page as me and will call her out too.

Op I’m gonna go against majority opinion and say tread carefully with how you express frustration to your DP.

Instead of saying “sort out your mother she is being controlling”.

Say, “I think perhaps your mum means well but I’m not sure even my own mum would do these things without consulting me first. I am the mother of this baby and she needs to leave those decisions to me and you need to back me up on this”.

Make sure you don’t sound like you resent her but more like you’re expressing strongly what’s rightly is your concern on the matter.. because if she’s is the manipulative type - don’t know- she might cause confusion and then he will think you initiated the ill feelings

IABUQueen

That’s exactly the route I’ve taken with him so far. He knows somethings up when it’s happened cos my mood says it all and when I tell him the issue I always try and say things like ‘well I’m sure your mum didn’t mean to be horrible here, but when she said ..... it’s upset me, my mum wouldn’t say things like that and I feel like she’s trying to undermine me, I don’t feel like he’s my hold around her’ I’d never bad mouth her as such to him cos that’s just not me but I know one thing, if the nicer routes don’t work, I know I’ll flip eventually at one of them 😬

Hmm what would make him go from thinking

“I can resolve this by giving my wife few hugs”

To him thinking:

“If my wife feels strongly about this then I need to be proactive and resolve this with my mum”?.

Perhaps you need to work on being more assertive with DH? So that he takes your opinions more seriously and as actionable rather than things that can subside and be dismissed?.

I think you can work at it on two fronts.

Say something, non confrontational, in front of MIL which shows her that you aren’t invisible, but shows your DH that you still expect him to be the one to step in. (Don’t do the full confrontation yourself since he isn’t yet on same page and you wouldn’t want him taking a backseat or being manipulated into taking her side).

And on another front l, work on how you communicate to DH your expectations, without sounding like it’s coming from a hateful place. But more like, this is who I am, I follow my own judgement and would do anything to make things work for my son.

I’d take the approach of “even though I’m the type that put others first, when my child came, I decided it was important for me to trust my instincts and act upon them, because that’s what’s best for my child. And it made me realise that everyone around me needs to also respect that, if they love my child. And I think I can be kind while still insisting on what I think is best for my own family, and therefore I won’t be quiet on things anymore and hope to see you on my side on this”.

When you believe something is best for your child, be like a broken record. Even in front of your mil.. repeating and repeating “how about we don’t give baby sweets”.. “I think baby prefers to be with me”...

Repeat and repeat as if- because you are- the person that knows what’s best and everyone else’s opinions haven’t phased you. Then theyyyyy will feel invisible and stop. If it’s something that’s legitimately mils responsibility then I would acknowledge Her opinion but if it’s not, I will repeat my view to DH as if I haven’t heard her even speak.

While being extremely polite. Because, you will gain nothing by losing respect for your MIL in front of him. Try control that.

Be very stubborn and confident about what you believe as a parent. Even if he insists on something, if you believe it’s because his mum wants it, just keep repeating what you want.

But polite.

Eventually he will learn that in these situations it won’t be the easier route to please his mum by compromising you. He will be forced to say no.

she has put my DS (who is 4 month) name down for the school right by her house. That’s my job right?! And I don’t actually think I’d have him in that school

And you said what when she told you?

I don’t get why you haven’t said no to her very firmly!!?

The dummy thing isn't just gross it's potentially dangerous. Licking/sucking it won't ensure there's no small bits she's missed that baby could suck and then choke on, and if she ever gets cold sores or has certain other chronic conditions or is on certain meds that is a whole other scenario!

Blanking you, pointedly address this it's ridiculously rude and completely unacceptable, pull her up on it every time

Do not use her for childcare she won't do anything you ask her to and clearly can't be trusted to listen to new/current childcare advice

Putting his name down for school?! If it's a state school she's full of it, that's not how it works if it's private Wtf!! I'd have gone apeshit! Tell her this is completely out of order! (And wtf were the school thinking?!)

Time for a sit down chat with partner he HAS to back you up, point out to him every time she does something batshit - then he can't claim he "hasn't noticed" but as is often the case you likely have a "dp" problem. Ask him why he refuses to acknowledge her actions as weird, because they bloody are!

My now ex mil is/was lovely however my mother was a nightmare! I also had the dummy, jealousy over mil having time with dd, trying to arrange a christening for dd when we weren't planning on christening her...

Just bonkers!

And even though it was my mum I got really frustrated with then dh not backing me up as it left me not wanting to leave dd with them when it would have meant I got a break because I couldn't trust him to step in when she did something nuts like trying to give dd bloody honey at 4 months!

You do REALLY need to get over the "awkward" thing, not just because of mil.

There will be many occasions you need to step in or speak to people on your child's behalf for reasons of health/safety which has the potential to make people bristle or even be offended, you can't not do this because of your own discomfort.

Look up some assertiveness advice online especially videos where scenarios are worked through.

Honestly it's REALLY important that you learn to speak up for your child - your dp too.

You need to find that inner "mother bear" protecting her cub.

Its also, as you recognise yourself, better to raise issues calmly, politely but assertively than bottle it up until you end up letting rip because that will cause more issues and you won't be taken seriously.

And tell dp to quit trying to put you in the role of the bad guy! "I'll talk to her if you want " indeed!

NO! You'll talk to her because you're a father protecting your family from a woman who's seriously overstepping boundaries and causing offence and anxiety as a result! Not because his dp has "nagged" him into doing so!

The study about sucking dummies helping immune system is a very small study.

Re only taking an interest at certain points/in certain ways - she's only doing so with the things that are "public" that she can advertise, it's all for show "what a fab granny I am they couldn't cope without me" it's not about ds' needs or your needs at all!

Competitive grannying!