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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about the ****ing risotto?

182 replies

marvik · 09/05/2019 09:02

At the moment the household consists of 21 year old daughter (temping), self (freelancing from home and elsewhere) plus husband (retired)

Yesterday I was working at home and had planned to make a slightly fiddly risotto and pesto dish in the evening - to be served some salad. I'd got some stock out of the freezer in advance. My husband was around, my daughter had gone to her job, when a text came in asking if I could do a small piece of work elsewhere in the city and if so how quickly could I get there. Though it was badly paid I had reasons for wanting to say yes. So I told my husband I was off, flung crisps and a cereal bar in my bag and said I'd do the risotto the following day.

I got back after a difficult day to find my husband having a meltdown, going on and on about how the recipe book lied etc etc. He'd decided to do the risotto - because 'he knew how to d it' - but it was taking longer than he thought and the rice was 'refusing to cook'. (Suspect he hadn't fried it properly at the appropriate stage and was adding the stock cold.)

He'd thought our daughter was going to help but she wasn't back. Who was going to do the pesto? I said not me, as a) I'd been out at work and b) had advised him not to do the dish but c) suggested one or two things he could do that were quicker and easier than home-made pesto that would mean he could get the meal done.

Eventually my daughter came back and made him some pesto.

I was seriously hungry by the time we sat down to a plate of undercooked starch plus my daughter's pesto. No salad - or other veg. I then had to hurry out to see friends

This morning I said I was annoyed at being asked to help/his inability to cook independently when my daughter and I had been out at work. He'd had plenty of time and I'd made it clear that I'd been happy to cook the more complicated dish when I was around. I felt that he was trying to communicate that he couldn't cope with changes of plan and wanted support at all times.

He said no, no I was quite wrong and all he'd wanted to do was make something 'really special' as a 'treat' for me when I got back - 'because I'd been working'...

I can cope with the odd cooking foul-up, but I just feel so fed up with him today.

OP posts:
MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:06

I understand your frustration! Your husband, who has the fewest constraints on his time of the three of you, ought to be emotionally mature enough to realise you need to be welcomed home to a fuss free evening, and self aware enough not to tackle cooking dishes he doesn’t master. He sounds like an elderly baby...

Gazelda · 09/05/2019 09:07

Ouch. I'm afraid I'm with dh. He tried to do something useful. Tried to make you feel as though he was pulling his weight and could step in when something came up for you.

Ok, he messed up the recipe. And he became needy when he realised it was going wrong. But was he just trying to rescue a situation when you came home and made it clear he'd gone against your instructions?

I can understand your disappointment, but I can also understand why he did it and why he might be feeling unappreciated.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2019 09:08

Good God, he only tried to make a risotto. I really don’t think it was some passive aggressive point about you going to work.

Are you sure you’re not pissed off because you wanted to make the fancy risotto?

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:08

The DH isn’t a child, Gazelda. Your attitude would be, perhaps, appropriate towards a teen. Not a mature man.

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:09

Are you sure you’re not pissed off because you wanted to make the fancy risotto?

She’s pissed off because her DH created so much unnecessary hassle.

InfiniteSheldon · 09/05/2019 09:10

You should have made the pesto/prepped the salad neither are onerous and everyone wins yabu sorry

Gazelda · 09/05/2019 09:10

No MariaNovella, he isn't a child. But perhaps he thought he was being treated like one? Not sufficiently competent to attempt a risotto.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 09/05/2019 09:11

We really need a word for when someone does something they think is helpful, but it isn't and actually causes more work and fuss but you are still expected to be grateful.
Why couldn't he just follow the recipe? Or read it through and decide it's too complicated for his culinary ability and do something simpler?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2019 09:11

What ‘hassle’? He just made a meal that didn’t work out as planned. Nobody died.

ems137 · 09/05/2019 09:11

I'd be annoyed if I were you but only because I'd feel as though the ingredients had been wasted and our budget is tight. Your DH tried to help, it went wrong. At least he tried 🤷🏼‍♀️

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/05/2019 09:12

You've overreacted. Especially by bringing it up again this morning...

I was a crap cook when I met DP. He's taught me everything I know. I have no doubt that I've made stupid mistakes trying to make things for him that he'd have made a lot faster by himself... and I've probably made most of them when he's had a stressful day and I've been trying to make something he likes and take it off his plate, and he's ended up having to help me fix it Blush

He intended to do something nice, it went wrong and he stressed. He was trying to make a nice planned meal, so you could eat together before you darted off again.

It was the very last minute work that caused the additional stress, and that happens to me too; but make sure you're not projecting that onto DH. Unless there's a massive backstory here, his intentions were good.

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:12

He wasn’t sufficiently competent to make the risotto. The OP knew that and the DH still went ahead. He sounds as if he has the emotional maturity of a teen.

Hahaha88 · 09/05/2019 09:12

Are you kidding me? He tried to help out and you got into a strop because it was above his ability and asked for help? Geez I bet your a dream wife

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:13

his intentions were good

No they weren’t.

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:14

I am flabbergasted at the sexism on this thread. A visibly incompetent elderly man needs to be humoured at all times?! Come on!!!

Original poster
marvik · 09/05/2019 09:14

You should have made the pesto/prepped the salad neither are onerous and everyone wins yabu sorry

Someone is saying 'How quickly can you get to this workplace where they are severely understaffed and will have to close soon if they don't get somebody else in?'

Is the right answer

a)Tell them I'll be there in half an hour. (NB. 's a twenty minute drive.)

or

b) Well, I need to do some home-made pesto and make a salad for my retired husband first?

What do we think Mumsnet?

OP posts:
comedycentral · 09/05/2019 09:15

I feel sorry for your husband. Don't turn him into a useless couch potato in his retirement just because you want control.

Gazelda · 09/05/2019 09:15

You don't seem to like the OP's DH very much MariaNovella, simply because he messed up a recipe.
Harsh.

ChipSandwich · 09/05/2019 09:15

Non event.

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:16

He sounds totally pathetic!

BuckingFrolics · 09/05/2019 09:17

He was trying. In all senses

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:17

The OP isn’t turning him into a useless couch potato! He already is one and the OP is not to blame Shock

RaptorWhiskers · 09/05/2019 09:17

YABU. He tried to do something nice and it didn’t go well but the thought was there. It’s not like you can’t defrost more stock and make another one in a couple of days time.

Also YABU for thinking that risotto is a complicated dish. You don’t need to fry the rice or add the stock hot. It’s not the accepted method but you can literally chuck the rice and cold stock in the pan together and just let it boil until soft. The only reason rice would be hard is because you haven’t cooked it for long enough.

HappydaysArehere · 09/05/2019 09:18

I’m with Gazelda. He needs encouragement. Perhaps appreciation of the thought and just go through what probably went wrong. Say when you are able to he can have another go with you standing by. Suggest risotto is easy when you know how but easy to mess up if you don’t.

MariaNovella · 09/05/2019 09:18

you can literally chuck the rice and cold stock in the pan together and just let it boil until soft

Then it is not risotto.