...about the ****ing risotto?

[marvik]

At the moment the household consists of 21 year old daughter (temping), self (freelancing from home and elsewhere) plus husband (retired)

Yesterday I was working at home and had planned to make a slightly fiddly risotto and pesto dish in the evening - to be served some salad. I'd got some stock out of the freezer in advance. My husband was around, my daughter had gone to her job, when a text came in asking if I could do a small piece of work elsewhere in the city and if so how quickly could I get there. Though it was badly paid I had reasons for wanting to say yes. So I told my husband I was off, flung crisps and a cereal bar in my bag and said I'd do the risotto the following day.

I got back after a difficult day to find my husband having a meltdown, going on and on about how the recipe book lied etc etc. He'd decided to do the risotto - because 'he knew how to d it' - but it was taking longer than he thought and the rice was 'refusing to cook'. (Suspect he hadn't fried it properly at the appropriate stage and was adding the stock cold.)

He'd thought our daughter was going to help but she wasn't back. Who was going to do the pesto? I said not me, as a) I'd been out at work and b) had advised him not to do the dish but c) suggested one or two things he could do that were quicker and easier than home-made pesto that would mean he could get the meal done.

Eventually my daughter came back and made him some pesto.

I was seriously hungry by the time we sat down to a plate of undercooked starch plus my daughter's pesto. No salad - or other veg. I then had to hurry out to see friends

This morning I said I was annoyed at being asked to help/his inability to cook independently when my daughter and I had been out at work. He'd had plenty of time and I'd made it clear that I'd been happy to cook the more complicated dish when I was around. I felt that he was trying to communicate that he couldn't cope with changes of plan and wanted support at all times.

He said no, no I was quite wrong and all he'd wanted to do was make something 'really special' as a 'treat' for me when I got back - 'because I'd been working'...

I can cope with the odd cooking foul-up, but I just feel so fed up with him today.

Cross posts with MadAboutWands - yes!!

To the pps referring to the OP’s DH as “elderly”, he could be 50 and retired from the Army/RAF/Navy/Police.

Anyway. If this is just about a risotto then YABU. He tried to do something nice and fucked up. I do most of the cooking and I fuck up sometimes if I’m having a bad day with anxiety. DH takes over and I sit in the garden for a while.

Similarly, he’s messed up a load of laundry before now but he was trying to help. I might have a grumble at the time but bloody hell, life’s too short to be bringing it up the next day as well.

If however this is the 20th time he’s done this, then YANBU. The point is, we don’t know.

Does he get very fixated on "that's what we are having" because he's retired? I say this because my stepdad retired a few years ago and my mum is really struggling with him. He's not a natural cook, mum still works so if she's left mince out to defrost but then can't be bothered to cook it when she gets in and does something else, he gets quite agitated about it.

It's driving poor Mum mad and she will often say "why can't he just put a potato in the oven and help for once............"

Catch what do you mean by being a reasonable adult?

Do you mean

• taking over the whole of the cooking you are have messed up with, saving the dish or creating something new?
• ask what sort of help you need, give you some advice on what else to do and expect you will have the skills to do it?
• anything else?

The OP did give her DH some solutions with the pesto. She also had told him NOT to do the dish as she wood do it another day. What else are you expecting her to do?
Taking over, finishing the dish for him (which might or might not have been possible), doing all the other things that needed doing, how is that helping? Because if I was doing that with my child, I would see it as a way to reinforce his inability to cook as well as his inability to find solution when things go wrong. I wouod see it as reinforcing the idea that my child doesn’t need to think, nor does he need to take responsibility because mummy will always be there to sort problems out.
I wouldn’t want to teach that to my child, nor wouod I want to behave that way with my ADULT partner.

Memorably a girlfriend of mine with a very senior and responsible job had a husband who lost his job, leaving her 100% responsible for supporting her family financially. Her husband would greet her each evening on her return from work (rarely before 9pm) by emerging from his home office and asking “What’s for dinner?”.

What’s worse? OP’s scenario or my friend’s?

Mumofone you are missing a few points that are crucial in your story.

• I started to prepare a risotto even though it’s a difficult dish, I had never made one and wasn’t sure if I couod do it but thought I could wing it

And

• my husband specifically told me not to prepare the risotto as he was going to do himself another day but I chose not to listen to him

And

• I git totally overwhelmed by it all and expected HIM to sort things out when he came. After all, he knows how to make a risotto when I don’t.

You can’t compare situations if you leave bits out.

Her husband would greet her each evening on her return from work (rarely before 9pm) by emerging from his home office and asking “What’s for dinner?”.

What’s worse? OP’s scenario or my friend’s?

I hope she didn't put up with that? That reminds me of my dad

Well, next time DH fucks up, which he will, I'll be sure to make him feel like shit about it rather than talk to him like a reasonable adult. Never mind that he's been perfectly reasonable on the (many) occasions I've fucked up myself. Still, I know I am in the minority, as women don't usually make mistakes, only men. We must never forget this.

This
Do not get me wrong, I completely agree that man women put up with shit men/relationships and of course no one should put up with abuse if any sort but people are messy and complicated and they screw up all the time. That is life, a bit of compassion never goes amiss.

This something I have learnt from my DH actually as I am much quicker to judge and throw a hissy fit than he is.

Honestly? I wouod think the Op’s scenario is worse Maria

At least, your friend knew what to expect and could plan around it (my plan wouod have included not doing any cooking for him, but that’s just me),.
In the OP’s case, not only was she supposed to help but also to deal/sort out with the stress and the overwhelm that her DH was feeling.

Honestly? I wouod think the Op’s scenario is worse Maria

No way, atleast the OPs husband was trying to help. The scenario Maria told is just so disrespectful and treating his wife as if she's his servant.

@SpeckleDust

I read this and thought there must be a German word for how your husband acted (to make something worse in an honest but failed attempt to improve it). And there is! He was verschlimmbessern.

I was thinking exactly the same thing! Glad someone else found it. How in the world did you look that up or find it?

And yes to jacked up laundry @SplashPad. I’ve told OH on several occasions to just leave mine alone and I'll do them myself. He’s screwed up my delicates or nice sweaters before. He still tries to do certain things like underwear but has started to learn not to wash my bras.

@CigarsofthePharoahs not really a word, but a short phrase, The Cobra Effect www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/machiavellians-gulling-the-rubes/201610/the-cobra-effect-good-intentions-perverse-outcomes

I would have been annoyed if mine had done that, especially as there is Google if you are unsure how to cook something you've not done before. Unless you went to Italy on a two week authentic Italian cookery course ;) how did he think you learnt how to cook it?
I have learnt all the things I know how to cook by either watching on tv, and then looking then up online, or from books.

my husband shouted at me as he didn't like how it was made

WTF?

In your reverse scenario, where on earth do you get this bit?

He was the one in a tantrum. She says he was having a meltdown and blaming the recipe book and the rice.

She didn't shout. She says she ate it, and then next morning she 'said' that she'd not felt happy. I read that as a pretty sensible, calm way to have the discussion. Wait until you're not both tired and hungry (and he's no longer having a strop at inanimate objects!), and calmly raise the issue.

It is amazing, the lengths to which some people will go to pretend that women who have the audacity to criticise their partners are invariably in the wrong.

I can understand a little frustration but it's not a situation that should cause lingering anger.

It's just a meal. DH had good intentions. I feel like some perspective is needed here so I'll have to say YABU.

I agree with Infinitesheldon on the DH and Raptor on the science of risotto.

A whole thread on incompetent cooking of ambitious dinners and not one reference to Butterflies

I am a SAHM so do most of the cooking. I am perfectly capable of producing edible staples most of the time but culinary disasters are a regular occurrence due to either lack of enthusiasm or over ambition.

DH stock responses are a) ask for instruction to help with the salvage operation b) eat it and comment its lovely dear if at all possible c) reach for the take away menus.

If he ever starts menu planning and pre-preparing ingredients for me before dashing off to his busy oh so important freelance job he will get the contents of the fridge tipped over him.

In our house the chances of all 3 DC enjoying something remotely ambitious are negligible. Risotto is actually one of my specialities but DD3 says it is too gloopy. She would also turn up her nose at pesto. The secret is decent quality Arborio rice and leaving it to settle for 5 minutes before serving with sufficient moisture. It only takes 30 - 40 minutes start to finish though. It is fairly forgiving of not coating the grains in butter especially if you toss in a knob of butter to melt in the standing phase.

Not the OP, but the Stepford wife responses. Jeez - he needs encouraging??

@YemenRoadYemen I agree to a point, but it doesn't have to be one or the other does it. Stepford Wife versus Screeching Harpy. It's perfectly possible to just deal with these issues in a reasonable way without creating more drama.

Poor bloke!

I can see why you’re annoyed. You DH sounds as if he is a man child. Having a meltdown when you were out at work just pathetic of him really. Is he always this needy?

I agree to a point, but it doesn't have to be one or the other does it. Stepford Wife versus Screeching Harpy. It's perfectly possible to just deal with these issues in a reasonable way without creating more drama.

Yeah agree 100% It doesn't have to be one extreme or another, he tried to do be helpful, it didn't work out, is it really that big of a deal. Haven't we all tried to make a nice meal one time or another and fucked up? Last thing you need is your DP holding a grudge with you over it, it's a bit odd unless there's much more to the story/history

What do we think Mumsnet?

🙄

“Trying to be helpful” just isn’t an excuse when you are a mature, retired but still physically able human. Emotional maturity and self awareness should be guiding you away from making thecsirts of fuck ups that 12 year olds make (and should be indulged in making).

I'm glad I don't live in some of these homes where adults aren't allowed to make cooking mistakes

I am amazed at how much you commit to a risotto.

Toasted rice grains
Homemade chicken stock
Homemade pesto

🙈🙈 I feel quite inadequate.

It is annoying, given that you gave him some easier options. But bless his heart, he did try. Personally, I would have a good giggle at it and advise him not to attempt it again.

There are worse things he could do 😊😊

Also forgot. You will struggle to make good risotto without a sufficiently heavy based pot with even temperature distribution and a sound understanding of temperature control of your hob. Very few recipes point this out.

Why the fuck didn't you help him. Weird controlling behaviour. If you wanted salad surely you could have got some
Out of
The fridge