...about the ****ing risotto?

[marvik]

At the moment the household consists of 21 year old daughter (temping), self (freelancing from home and elsewhere) plus husband (retired)

Yesterday I was working at home and had planned to make a slightly fiddly risotto and pesto dish in the evening - to be served some salad. I'd got some stock out of the freezer in advance. My husband was around, my daughter had gone to her job, when a text came in asking if I could do a small piece of work elsewhere in the city and if so how quickly could I get there. Though it was badly paid I had reasons for wanting to say yes. So I told my husband I was off, flung crisps and a cereal bar in my bag and said I'd do the risotto the following day.

I got back after a difficult day to find my husband having a meltdown, going on and on about how the recipe book lied etc etc. He'd decided to do the risotto - because 'he knew how to d it' - but it was taking longer than he thought and the rice was 'refusing to cook'. (Suspect he hadn't fried it properly at the appropriate stage and was adding the stock cold.)

He'd thought our daughter was going to help but she wasn't back. Who was going to do the pesto? I said not me, as a) I'd been out at work and b) had advised him not to do the dish but c) suggested one or two things he could do that were quicker and easier than home-made pesto that would mean he could get the meal done.

Eventually my daughter came back and made him some pesto.

I was seriously hungry by the time we sat down to a plate of undercooked starch plus my daughter's pesto. No salad - or other veg. I then had to hurry out to see friends

This morning I said I was annoyed at being asked to help/his inability to cook independently when my daughter and I had been out at work. He'd had plenty of time and I'd made it clear that I'd been happy to cook the more complicated dish when I was around. I felt that he was trying to communicate that he couldn't cope with changes of plan and wanted support at all times.

He said no, no I was quite wrong and all he'd wanted to do was make something 'really special' as a 'treat' for me when I got back - 'because I'd been working'...

I can cope with the odd cooking foul-up, but I just feel so fed up with him today.

Ah, I see (about the health worries).

What do you think is going on here?

I think he was out of line, but it sounds as if you have quite complicated intersecting worries/concerns about him.

What you need is a jar of pesto and an oxo cube. HTH.

@marvik it sounds like he’s doing the equivalent of when a dog is properly trained to pee outside while you’re on Christmas break but then come January when you leave to go to work, it will pee on the carpet to get your attention due to being left alone. I’m sorry to use that analogy but I think it may be apt. He may be feeling insecure about being alone and acts out when his routine changes.

It could be worse OP. I found DH spooning chicken gravy granules into the risotto rice - apparently we had run out of marigold vegetable bouillon at the back of the cupboard where it usually lives.
Dinner was as rank as it sounds I could have cried as all the lovely prawns and chicken were practically inedible. Nowadays if it's his turn to cook I try to ensure there is a roast in a bag chicken available or some mince for bolognaise as these are difficult to be tampered with ( apart from the time he added loads of frozen ginger to the pasta sauce claiming it looked just like the frozen garlic).

Oh I don't know what's going on....

I don't think he likes being 70. His birthday was quite recent. I don't think he likes anything to do with mortality. His father died, which was a release in one way, but also meant witnessing just what extreme old age can be like. My aunt has also just died and he seemed to get upset about that - more than I was - even though she was a really important part of my childhood and he hadn't really met her that much..

So the kind of routine urological problems which are typical of his age are scary for him, because he wants to be younger than he is. He finds having any sort of illness - a cold, some kind of minor digestive irregularity - terribly difficult to cope with

I think part of him wants me to be around all the time to do stuff with him. But I won't get my - very basic - pension for 6 years, so our standard of living is better if I work at least part-time. And it stops everything here getting too claustrophobic.

Part of me thinks it would be really good if he did some regular voluntary work, because it would give him more structure and also give him more of a sense of being in a network of relationships. But he doesn't want to do that. I also think it would be good if he made friends with other people more. He does know other people via U3A activities, but doesn't really socialise with them outside the specific meetings. So I feel that emotionally he depends very much on me, even though he may seem quite independent on the surface.

That sounds really tough, and I can absolutely see how he'd feel and how you'd feel.

But, bottom line is, this wasn't ok. I know people are saying you could have deflected a row by grinning or joking or making dinner yourself, but those are not permanent solutions. I'm sorry, I wish I had something more useful to say, but all I can think is that this rings so very true, and I can see how it's really not fair on you, even if it's also not fun for him.

Don’t mean to alarm you, but you talk about how he can’t seem to follow a relatively straightforward recipe. Are there other areas of his life where he can’t follow basic directions? I have my concerns that his rather disproportionate reaction (which is borderline gaslighty) might be covering up symptoms of depression or possibly dementia. You talk about his urological problems - does he get UTIs? Low-grade UTIs can cause symptoms like irritability and can lead to delirium if left untreated. What does he do all day? How does he account for his time? His behaviour is concerning.