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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or am I just over reacting?

88 replies

tired1245 · 08/05/2019 15:21

think I may just be hormonal as due on period!!BlushGrin
My partner and are in the process of buying a house, we've both discussed starting a family soon once all moved in.
I really couldn't care about him going out in the evenings and weekends for drinks with his friends, but now he's just said him and his friends are looking to plan to spend a month in America next year, I said to him maybe in years to come when we've settled into our own house, have children etc we could go to Disney Florida for 2/3 weeks, but he said 'if the boys are going, I am'
I don't want to be at home on my own for a month, I know he should miss out, but he acts as though he's still 18 with not a care in the world.
Am I overreacting, just tell me if I am!!

OP posts:
GoosetheCat · 08/05/2019 15:23

I don't think you're overreacting. A week? Maybe but not a whole month.

Original poster
tired1245 · 08/05/2019 15:23

@GoosetheCat oh Thankyou! Thought it was just meBlush

OP posts:
Original poster
tired1245 · 08/05/2019 15:24

Also, no idea how we would afford it either! considering we're going to be renovating the house we're buying!

OP posts:
TopShagger · 08/05/2019 15:25

You'll get a mixed bag on this. There'll be the "if you trust him what's the problem?" crowd and the "this is a bridge too far" crowd. And maybe a few in between who will suggest you do the same thing at some point either by way of a treat or to give him a taste of his own medicine etc.

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 15:27

A month?!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/05/2019 15:28

Erm! That's a lot of mixed messages he is sending!

Can you stop / suspend the house buying and have a proper in depth conversation abour this?

I fear that if you don't then you may sleep walk into some extremely different attitudes towards 'family life' and only feel the real impact when it is too late to back out painlessly!

How old are you both?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/05/2019 15:28

Cost it out, make sure you get a months holiday somewhere for same price and show him that two month long holidays will mean no kitchen bathroom or windows
Also that will mean no baby or holiday
together
Hopefully it’s drunken boys talk and when they all go home to sensible women they will come down to earth

MargotSimpson · 08/05/2019 15:29

A month is ridiculous. Will he even be able to get the time off work? How will he afford it with the house? Selfish behaviour and would say to me that he’s putting his friends (and himself!) before you.

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 15:31

I tend to agree with CuriousaboutSamphire that perhaps you might want to put buying a house together on hold until you've hashed this out. . . because you sound like you're at quite different points in life at the moment.

BertrandRussell · 08/05/2019 15:31

It all depends on money. If he can easily afford it and and still contribute his share to the bills and the renovation then why not? You don’t have kids. But be very careful about the money.

CripsSandwiches · 08/05/2019 15:32

YANBU a month is ridiculous. Before kids I would have had no issue with DH going away for a week or so but he still would have discussed it with me first a month is just silly. How much holiday time does he get? Do you have joint finances? I think in a partnership things like this should be discussed just saying "I'm going" that's it is not a good sign.

ElspethFlashman · 08/05/2019 15:32

A MONTH??! Is he on fucking tour with his band???!

yearinyearout · 08/05/2019 15:32

No, you're not overreacting. I have no issue with my DH going away for a week and that applies to me too, but a month is a massive piss take. As others have suggested I think an in depth conversation is required regarding your attitudes to shared money/family life/time out with friends etc before you commit any further to a future with this man.

Original poster
tired1245 · 08/05/2019 15:34

Thankyou all for making me feel sane!!
I think it's pretty selfish aswell. He's 26 I'm 25.
a month is just a stupid amount, he always goes on about 'when we have a house we won't be able to go on many holidays' and then he goes up and comes up with this crap?!
Thankyou all for your help, going to have a conversation with him when he gets home, hopefully it's just one of them stupid ideas that pass within a few days!
@ElspethFlashman hahah!! What a shit boy band they are!

OP posts:
PookieDo · 08/05/2019 15:37

I think he may not be quite ready to buy a house and start a family. I imagine he wants to do this sort of thing ‘before he settles down’ but agreeing to try for a baby then go away with your friends for a month don’t really match up so I can see why you are miffed about it

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2019 15:42

You're both really young still - sounds as though you are at different life stages.

I would put the house and baby plans on hold indefinitely. He doesn't sound mature enough yet.

He wants to drop everything and go skipping around the world with his mates for a month? Let him go (and shut the door behind him).

bigbadbadger · 08/05/2019 15:43

"the boys"
What a twat.

floribunda18 · 08/05/2019 15:44

A month! He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I would cool things for a couple of years and see if you still want to be together. He hasn't done everything he wants to do as a singleton yet, and perhaps you haven't either.

floribunda18 · 08/05/2019 15:47

Also if when you do settle down, buy your house, then get married before having children otherwise you are legally vulnerable, especially if you were to become a SAHP.

Acis · 08/05/2019 15:50

Also, no idea how we would afford it either

That was my first thought. A month off work plus all the costs of travelling there, living costs and, presumably travelling around, sightseeing, eating out etc? Unless they're planning on living very frugally indeed and doing practically nothing, that's going to mount up in a big way.

he always goes on about 'when we have a house we won't be able to go on many holidays'

The operative word there is "we". Apparently he thinks the moratorium on holidays only applies to you ...

Springwalk · 08/05/2019 15:50

He doesn't sound ready yet for the grown up world of moving in together, buying a home.

How often does he go out now? And will that continue to be okay with you even if you are struggling financially/have dc?

How far along are you in the buying process? If you need to pull out can you do so?

Have you really evaluated what the future is going to be like? Discussed his plans, your plans.

You sound like you are with a man child still. Don't assume it is a ridiculous comment. Maybe this is the future for him, you installed at home with the babies, him off roaming the world.

When someone shows you who are ...

Springwalk · 08/05/2019 15:52

I also second the opinion that you really must think about your long term security. Are you planning to get married? Who looks after the babies? And is your career going to take a hit if you have children?
Don't ever consider a SAHP role if you are unmarried.

Boysey45 · 08/05/2019 15:52

He sounds very young still saying the boys etc. When you buy a house with someone and are trying for a family they are your priority not swanning off for a month on a lads jolly. I think it sounds like hes either not ready to commit to you or doesn't understand what a committed relationship with a house and child is really like.

Enb76 · 08/05/2019 15:53

This is exactly the sort of age people should be doing this stuff - you'll never have this sort of freedom again, certainly not when you have kids and a house.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to settle down but are you both really on the same page?

Springwalk · 08/05/2019 15:54

Can I just add if my dp said he was going overseas for a month without talking at length to me first, that would be a deal breaker for me.

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