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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or am I just over reacting?

88 replies

tired1245 · 08/05/2019 15:21

think I may just be hormonal as due on period!!BlushGrin
My partner and are in the process of buying a house, we've both discussed starting a family soon once all moved in.
I really couldn't care about him going out in the evenings and weekends for drinks with his friends, but now he's just said him and his friends are looking to plan to spend a month in America next year, I said to him maybe in years to come when we've settled into our own house, have children etc we could go to Disney Florida for 2/3 weeks, but he said 'if the boys are going, I am'
I don't want to be at home on my own for a month, I know he should miss out, but he acts as though he's still 18 with not a care in the world.
Am I overreacting, just tell me if I am!!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/05/2019 16:19

If money isn’t an issue and there are no babies, why shouldn't he go away?

NunoGoncalves · 08/05/2019 16:20

if you can afford for him to do that and still have holidays together and sort out the house and plan for the baby, fine. But for a month?! He's not single with no strings any more, and at the VERY least, that needs to be a decision you take together

Okay, so if you can afford for him to do that and still have holidays together and sort out the house and plan for the baby, what would be your reasons for asking him not to go?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/05/2019 16:22

No reason, if it won't break them financially. But such stuff is supoposed to be a mutual thing... cos, as a wise poster said Grin, a compromise is not when one person has to change / give up everything and the other does not!

So a sensible conversation about expectations prior to such a big financial commitment would be prudent. Or there will be a great many 'compromises' to be had....

Erythronium · 08/05/2019 16:24

Why doesn't he want to go on holiday with you for a month while you're both free and childless?

You can see where his priorities lie OP - with the boys. Fine when you're not tied down with children and responsibilities. awful when you're left at home with your baby whilst he goes out all the time with his friends.

Lovemusic33 · 08/05/2019 16:26

I can see both sides here. I think it’s a good idea to do these things (especially travel) before having children or you will regret it later on, having kids kind of puts a bit of a end to enjoying travelling (it’s hard with kids) but I can see why you are worried about the money side of things with moving into your own home. I think I would just let him think he’s going, chances are once you move into your own place he won’t have the money to go or have the time. If he does have the money to do it then I would let him or compromise and you go together (not with the lads)?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/05/2019 16:28

'if the boys are going, I am'

If any partner of mine had said that, I'd have backed away quickly, then turned and ran.

alligatorsmile · 08/05/2019 16:29

Really wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't put up with someone telling ME that I couldn't go on a trip of my choosing. There are no kids, he won't get the chance again, why shouldn't he go?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/05/2019 16:32

alligator nothing wrong with that at all... until you share finances, etc. THEN you are supposed to act as a couple, make those big decisions within the partnership, without negative impact on say, the joint mortgage or the emotional aspect of the relationship.

It is equally valid to say that I wouldn't put up with my partner telling ME that he was off on the holiday of a lifetome for a month without me and that is that!

MadAboutWands · 08/05/2019 16:33

It’s just about the money though is it?

It’s the fact it’s a month which wouod leave no holidays to spend with the OP for the whole year.
It’s the fact they are planning to have a baby. Is he also planning to go away for a month if the OP is pregnant or they have a young baby??

He hasn’t moved in from single life where you can do whatever you want to couple and family life where, well..., you just can’t do what you want. And certainly not for that long.

MrsJBaptiste · 08/05/2019 16:33

There's a bit of a different between going to Amercia with the lads (a laugh) and 2 weeks at Disney with kids (hideous). That said, a month is a long time but better to do before you have children.

And to the poster who thinks he must be a twat just because he says 'the lads' ... Why? Don't you every have a girls night out? Meet the girls for lunch? My mum does and she's in her 70's! 👍

NunoGoncalves · 08/05/2019 16:35

Really wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't put up with someone telling ME that I couldn't go on a trip of my choosing. There are no kids, he won't get the chance again, why shouldn't he go?

Agreed. If we could afford it and didn't have kids, I'd never try to stop my partner going, why would I? And he'd never stop me either.

Obviously the conversation wouldn't begin with "I'm going and there's nothing you can do about it"... because it wouldn't need to.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/05/2019 16:36

the holiday is not the problem, the manner in which he told you he was 'going' is the problem OP. Flowers

IHateUncleJamie · 08/05/2019 16:39

A MONTH??! Is he on fucking tour with his band???! Grin

Seriously though; a roadtrip for a month with the boys/girls is for before you buy a house and get married. YANBU; he needs to do a bit of growing up. Unless you’ve bought a house already I’d be having a chat about what’s reasonable.

Redwinestillfine · 08/05/2019 16:41

Suggest you go to America with the girls at the same time. Fair's fair. Its probably a pipe dream but I would rent rather than buy with him at the moment, he doesn't sound very mature and renting is much easier to undo if it all goes South....

Hoolihan · 08/05/2019 16:42

It honestly wouldn't bother me at all, as long as he can afford it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/05/2019 16:50

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable tbh but that's because I think you may be in different places right now.

You're thinking about houses and children and quite rightly since you're in the process of buying a house. He's thinking of having a laugh with his mates before he settles down and that's fine as well.

Can you afford for him to go and are you looking to be pregnant within the next year? His reply for me saying that if the lads are going then he is does suggest to me that he's not quite ready to grow up yet.

My DP has to go away occasionally for a month to six weeks and it is a long time but you do get used to it.

If he can afford it, still be able to pay his share of the mortgage and bills then let him go and have fun. Maybe go on your own holiday?

If he can afford to go but not afford the rest of his share then I'd have a really good think about buying this house and I definitely wouldn't be getting pregnant.

He sounds like he's decided he's going to go especially because the boys are going, I don't think you should stop him but I would be looking at how it affects you financially.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/05/2019 16:52

😵

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/05/2019 16:59

Be careful OP

Especially as you say you are looking at starting a family fairly quickly,..FGS do not do this without getting married.
Protect yourself financially

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/05/2019 17:02

If he could afford it without affecting you I'd say go for it, but if you're buying and renovating together (been there done that is hard work and costs more than you think for things you can't even see...), HIBU

bellaellie · 08/05/2019 17:15

Work out the cost of the house renovation and the cost of a baby then if you have money left over your partner might be able to afford the months holiday with the lads.

You might be able to put the TTC on hold for a few years including sex you might end up pregnant if you do have sex, then you will be alone with a baby he might leave you until he has outgrown wanting to travel around and is ready to settle down by which time he could've gotten with anyone and you'll likely end up being a single parent.

I'm a tad concerned he'd want to be away from you for an entire month !

Yesicancancan · 08/05/2019 17:26

I can see both sides of this . One the hand, why shouldn’t he? No children, he is not expecting you to sub him because it’s costing a lot and he has no money is he??
Will it impact your house purchase??
Assuming. No, then yes I can see you will miss him, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go. Resentment is suffocating.

Yesicancancan · 08/05/2019 17:27

No way would this be a acceptable if you can actively ttc. Sounds like you have a baby already.

BertrandRussell · 08/05/2019 17:28

“No way would this be a acceptable if you can actively ttc. Sounds like you have a baby already.”

Blimey. So you can’t miss a month when ttc?

YouTheCat · 08/05/2019 17:33

So while he goes off on his jollies for a month, he's happy to leave you earning and doing the renovations?

I'd seriously reconsider buying a house with this person. He isn't thinking about you at all.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 17:40

The pair of you need to have a serious conversation. He wants to spend a month apart and money on the holiday of a lifetime, a holiday you're not involved in and money that's earmarked for your joint home.

Tbh it sounds as if you're more committed than he is. Don't plan a future with him without evidence that he's putting you first. I've seen so many threads here written by women who've given everything to a relationship only to realize that their DP isn't 100% involved.

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