Youth club leader called my 13 year old DD....

[siscaza]

A TERF and transphobic for being uncomfortable about allowing boys to use the girls toilets. She is on her period at the moment and is feeling self conscious about it all. Personally I’m not too fussed about pee-ing in a locked cubicle next to a man but I’m 43 and well beyond feeling self conscious!!!

So AIBU for a) finding this term offensive and b) for feeling that it’s inappropriate to force her views upon a girl of that age?

For context I’ve grilled DD and she is adamant this is what happened - she is also on the spectrum and rubbish at lying/exaggerating so I’m inclined to believe her.

WWYD?

I would have a conversation with the youth leader, explaining he/she is rude in labelling her something she is not, accusing her of something she is not, and explain about how embarrassed girls can get when on their period, they are a twat

I have never heard that word used towards a child in fact outside of SM i have not heard anyone say it.

If you feel an adult who is in charge of your child has spoken inappropriately towards your them you must question it.

Why the cynical face

You’ll see from my posting history this is not something I post a lot about!!

Yes I’ve asked the youth leader to call me... she is has pretty strong views on LGBT+ issues which is fine but I think she needs to think about the impact of using inflammatory terms on terms!!!

DD didn’t start her periods that long ago so still getting to grips with it all. Wasn’t helped by the boys thinking it is hilarious being able to go into the ladies and being generally riotous

Really? That's very odd. Why would there be boys using the girls toilets anyway?

What's a terf?

Poor girl, I’m sorry. I personally hate gender neutral toilets, means wee all over the seats and no privacy... call me old fashioned but I don’t want to be changing a tampon with a man next to me having his constitutional. And it’s also about how it is for younger girls too, and younger boys I really don’t think it should become the norm... also what about safeguarding?

Unless those boys identify as female why are they in the girls toilet...or are they unisex toilets?

Wasn’t helped by the boys thinking it is hilarious being able to go into the ladies and being generally riotous

Why were the boys all going into the ladies? Surely there can't be that many Trans girls at your DD's youth group?

Boys shouldn’t be using the girls toilets unless they are proper separate cubicles. You need to speak to the youth leader as it is both inappropriate to call a child a name and also child protection is at risk.

Not unisex toilets - her view is it’s just a label on the door so everyone should use whatever toilets they like. The boys interpreted this as let’s use the girls loos because we can!!!

it appears to be the modern way. not the best idea since sliced bread, if you ask me.

Sigh...

Sex based rights are enshrined in law. Female only spaces are not open to all makes...only those who identify as females.

Youth leader is breaking the law. Make a complaint.

I would play absolute merry hell about this. Who does this 'leader' think she is? Teaching a vulnerable teenage girl that she has no right to boundaries and privacy and that males come first? Fuck that.

We segregate toilet facilities by sex for a bloody reason. Don't let this go op.

Thank you Fuzzylilac that is most helpful, I’ll point that out.

Should point out that neither me or my DD have any issue with someone who is genuinely trans using the girls loos.

If this really happened then the leader shouldn’t be calling your daughter a terf (not least because it appears your daughters issue was with boys in the loos, not transwomen...)

Surely there can't be that many Trans girls at your DD's youth group

What on earth does this mean? "Transgirls" are males and should use the male facilities. It's not the job of girls to give up their privacy and dignity. It's up to the other males to budge up and accept the transgirls, who are biological males.

In what context are there boys using the girls toilet? Where are they? At school or in a public building? Because there are regulations about school toilets. There must be separate provision for girls.

I would consider a youth leader issuing gendered slurs towards a child in their care while failing to protect that child's privacy and dignity a potential safeguarding issue. Surely her remit is to look out and protect all the children, not just the boys.

The acronym TERF is a misogynist slur. Your child has been badly and unfairly treated.

FFS I’m not baiting! I’ve left a message with the youth leader asking her to call me, I’ll let you know what she says. Hopefully it will be an easy fix and an apology.

Why were the boys all going into the ladies?

Because teenaged lads love to take the piss in this way. The ability to see weakness and exploit it is more valuable in male youth culture than big muscles and good hair.

Youth club is held in a community centre with separate Male and female toilets - similar to school toilets with a row of 3/4 cubicles IYKWIM

I would be complaining loudly.

Gender slurs against a child is not acceptable.

Yes thoughtless twattery from the teenage boys... I have a DS too so know they can be prone to acts of fuckwittery.

Just to add OP I do not believe female spaces should be open to males no matter how they identify.

However if the youth leader is ignoring the law and just deciding sex based rights dont exist then they need to be informed.