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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Youth club leader called my 13 year old DD....

92 replies

siscaza · 07/05/2019 20:12

A TERF Confused and transphobic for being uncomfortable about allowing boys to use the girls toilets. She is on her period at the moment and is feeling self conscious about it all. Personally I’m not too fussed about pee-ing in a locked cubicle next to a man but I’m 43 and well beyond feeling self conscious!!!

So AIBU for a) finding this term offensive and b) for feeling that it’s inappropriate to force her views upon a girl of that age?

For context I’ve grilled DD and she is adamant this is what happened - she is also on the spectrum and rubbish at lying/exaggerating so I’m inclined to believe her.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Chaotica · 07/05/2019 21:06

That's awful. Complain and cite the Equality Act 2010. Girls are allowed sex-segregated space and your daughter (and other girls) need their privacy.

QuantamBaby · 07/05/2019 21:07

Play hell OP, totally unacceptable to use that kind of language to a teenager. AND, to prioritise the ability of boys to mess around higher than a girl who wants a bit of privacy is appalling!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2019 21:08

I would make a formal complaint regardless of what she says when you speak to her. She shouldn’t be responsible for girls if she isn’t going to safeguard them. Clearly letting the boys go in the girls loos for a laugh wasn’t doing this and could lead to something more sinister.

finnmcool · 07/05/2019 21:08

I would complain at the highest levels about this.
I used to be a youth worker and staff absolutely must not speak to kids like that.
She has just made your daughter feel unsafe to raise concerns. What the hell kind of youth worker does that?

nettie434 · 07/05/2019 21:08

I don’t think that is remotely suitable language to use - especially in the context of boys using the girls’ loos for ‘fun’ not because they are trans. Definitely think you are right to want to speak to the leader.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/05/2019 21:09

It's totally overstepping any kind of mark to use that sort of language about a child. I'm all for trying to keep the peace and allowing people to be who they are but teenage boys don't get to invade female-only spaces simply because they're led by someone so wet. The leader needs a rocket up their arse.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 07/05/2019 21:22

I think hear her side of the story (take notes), and let her tell it in it’s entirety. Then complain, in writing.

Billyjoe10 · 07/05/2019 21:26

Oh god so is this the way all this gender neutral crap is going?? Idiots thinking anyone should be in the ladies toilets? Report the worker and the group it is a definite child protection issue. And people need to grow the fuck up and realise you are what you are born.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/05/2019 21:29

I would complain at the highest levels about this.

Look, I know this is MN (has anyone suggested ringing 101 yet?) but this is the wrong approach with a volunteer who means well and is still going to be interacting with the daughter each week.

I think her actions are high order fuckwittery, but it's from ignorance not mendacity. She has probably had training from the wokestazi and this is her way of trying to put it into practice. Most people still don't have a clue about how the term terf is used towards women.

Gentle but persistent questioning and discussion is usually much more effective. Plenty of room to go in guns blazing if that fails.

Aridane · 07/05/2019 21:30

Did DD even know what a 'TERF' is?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 07/05/2019 21:33

Gentle but persistent questioning and discussion is usually much more effectiveHmm how polite and passive. Use the law that is there to protect young women.

SadOtter · 07/05/2019 21:34

Why were the boys all going into the ladies? I'm guessing for no more reason than they can't usually and youth club has said they can. Teenagers are pretty immature like that. I can remember being excited about going into the mens loos when my parents were locking up the church hall as a kid just to see if it was different to the ladies.

OP an adult talking to a child like that would worry me. Is this the adult in charge? Or is there someone else you can talk to?

Marchinupandownagain · 07/05/2019 21:34

Slurring transwomen and girls however seems to be A-OK, and do people here know or care how often they are assaulted by cis men? Hint: it's a lot.
Guess not. On both counts.

Marchinupandownagain · 07/05/2019 21:36

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GlomOfNit · 07/05/2019 21:36

So the youth leader, for totally autonomous reasons, has decided to 'neutralise' the clearly designated girls' and boys' loos, and THEN she upsets and verbally abuses your DD for her justified disquiet at the boys making free with the girls' loos?

Fucking hell. I wouldn't just be taking my DD out of this 'youth group', I'd be talking to the leader's boss (or whatever authority employs her), showing them the legal situation and how they've broken the law, and making a stink. Damn right it's a child protection issue. Use that phrase and use it loudly. It must still be worth a damn, somewhere.

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 21:37

March who is slurring TW?

AgnesBadenPowell · 07/05/2019 21:37

This is awful. PM me if I can help in any way (I've had a long standing battle with Girl Guides about imposing mixed sex spaces on girls in the name of inclusivity).

GlomOfNit · 07/05/2019 21:37

Marching, please do go and do on. It is not a 'statement of fact' just because you sez so. Or want it to b.

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 21:39

March are you accusing a child of being a terf?

dadshere · 07/05/2019 21:40

I would check the facts, just in case there was a misunderstanding, and if not, rip his bs off! (verbally)

Original poster
siscaza · 07/05/2019 21:40

Donquuixote that is going to be my strategy - she’s promised to call me tomorrow to chat. I will probe further and then go from there, some useful context on this thread re. Equality act and sex segregated facilities.

I agree that she’s very ‘woke’ (!) and is possibly misinterpreting her training somewhat. If I get no joy I’ll speak to the people that run the charity responsible for this youth club.

She is clearly very passionate about trans issues and identifies as ‘gender fluid’ herself so perhaps is taking this further than she needs too.

I’m still bristling at TERF though.

OP posts:
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 07/05/2019 21:42

Guess not. On both counts.
Can you explain what two points you are “guess not-ing”?

Original poster
siscaza · 07/05/2019 21:42

agnesbadenpowell I might take you up on that, thank you

OP posts:
mbosnz · 07/05/2019 21:42

Slurring transwomen and girls however seems to be A-OK, and do people here know or care how often they are assaulted by cis men?

Is it more than how many cis women and girls are assaulted by cis men?

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 21:42

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