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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Youth club leader called my 13 year old DD....

92 replies

siscaza · 07/05/2019 20:12

A TERF Confused and transphobic for being uncomfortable about allowing boys to use the girls toilets. She is on her period at the moment and is feeling self conscious about it all. Personally I’m not too fussed about pee-ing in a locked cubicle next to a man but I’m 43 and well beyond feeling self conscious!!!

So AIBU for a) finding this term offensive and b) for feeling that it’s inappropriate to force her views upon a girl of that age?

For context I’ve grilled DD and she is adamant this is what happened - she is also on the spectrum and rubbish at lying/exaggerating so I’m inclined to believe her.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MNHQ
SophieLMumsnet · 07/05/2019 22:34

Hi all,

If you've any questions about deletions - we're very happy to answer them if you mail us. We think it derails things to go over it on the thread itself, but Lilac and DonQuixote, we've just replied. Flowers

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 22:36

Its ok don't want to waste time messing on with emails.
I am happy for you to reply on the thread. It wont derail unless YOU decide it will.

Nearlythere1 · 07/05/2019 22:37

Jeez the censorship police just can't help themselves when it comes to the latest buzz-agenda, trans.
OP, my last post, which was deleted, said there's a hell of a lot more baggage to the word terf than just the words it's made up of. It's a violent slur and no adult should ever be using it against a child. Please complain because that's simply outrageous.

Redshoeblueshoe · 07/05/2019 22:38

It absolutely should not be said to a child

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 22:39

Just read your email.

MNHQ if you do not like users searching a posters history as its not in the spirit then why have it as a function at all?

BoreOfWhabylon · 07/05/2019 22:41

Well, just got what I think is my first even deletion. For explaining why TERF is a slur.

Hey ho.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/05/2019 22:43

Jeez the censorship police just can't help themselves when it comes to the latest buzz-agenda, trans.

MN is just about the only discussion site that would not delete the OP out of hand. They have taken a lot of shit over allowing women to discuss self ID, the cotton ceiling etc.

I don't like some of the decisions, but I also don't want this to turn into a haven for transphobes. The mods have a difficult balance to find.

my last post, which was deleted, said there's a hell of a lot more baggage to the word terf than just the words it's made up of. It's a violent slur and no adult should ever be using it against a child.

If you report the deletion message and ask they are usually accomodating. When mistakes occur they do reinstate the message.

FuzzyLilac · 07/05/2019 22:43

OP

I will leave as i do not want to be the reason the thread is deleted.

However the fact that certain not abusive posts are being deleted under the flimsy guise of not in the spirit makes me wonder if that doxer is back who worked for MNHQ then shared loads of details on twitter........

Original poster
siscaza · 07/05/2019 22:45

bore thank you, I’ve just had a look at the rules of engagement that you highlighted.... clearly I’ve been under a rock with regards to trans issues on mumsnet.

Ok so this is validates my feelings about it being an offensive term especially to use on a child Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
siscaza · 07/05/2019 22:46

Makes me sad that a thread posted in good faith has become a free for all 😢

I really appreciate all the good advice and suggestions here, off to bed but I’ll post an update once I have spoken to the youth worker.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 07/05/2019 22:47

bore

Well, just got what I think is my first even deletion. For explaining why TERF is a slur.

Nope. You (and I) got it for referencing (in your case starred out) a term of abuse relating to those of south asian heritage and comparing it to the origins of Terf.

Ironically my post was making the point that there are no banned words- you can discuss language, just not abuse people. Seems I was wrong, but Terf is not one- the other word is.

BoreOfWhabylon · 07/05/2019 22:53

Yes, donquixote. MNHQ have emailed me.

I agree with your post upthread, especially this bit:

I don't like some of the decisions, but I also don't want this to turn into a haven for transphobes. The mods have a difficult balance to find.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/05/2019 22:57

Yes, donquixote. MNHQ have emailed me.

Aha. Didn't want you to be as nonplussed as me.

I'm going to post on site stuff to see if anyone is aware of a banned words list (really thought it was not a thing)- don't want to derail any further.

@OP. Please do update. The actual number of loopy abuse/criticism comments you got was tiny.

EileenAlanna · 08/05/2019 01:14

Ask to see the Impact Assessment done before this policy was introduced. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it though. No-one under 18 can hold a Gender Recognition Certificate & be recognised as gender reassigned which is where the legal protection under the Equality Act 2010 lies. Even then it's perfectly legal to exclude transwomen from female only facilities etc if it's a proportionate action to uphold women's/girls rights to privacy/decency/safety etc. as the protected sex category under the same Act. "Gender Identity" isn't a legal category. Insist on separate facilities being maintained as separated according to biological sex.

Vehivle · 08/05/2019 01:47

Looking forward to the update! The youth leader sounds terrible! I hope she's disciplined.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 08:55

Yes, I'll be interested to know what happens.

Northernsights · 09/05/2019 22:27

Did you manage to speak to her?

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