Toddler refuses to go to nursery

[Songsofexperience]

Posting here for traffic as I'm really unsure of what's best to do next.
My 2 year old DD started nursery a couple of months ago but she really hates it. There's nothing wrong with the nursery itself; her sister went there for years and was very happy. It's the same management etc. I thought she would need time to settle in but there's no sign of improvement. She also catches every bug going. I'm concerned about this because currently she is being looked after by her grand parents. I work full time and they badly need a break! The idea was for them to do it for a year and then we'd switch to nursery. There's also a language issue. My parents aren't native English speakers and I've always spoken my native language with my children (I see it as a huge benefit for later in life) so right now DD doesn't speak English. Nursery was always the place for my kids to learn English before starting school. I definitely don't want DD to reach Reception and not speak properly. The plan won't work if she completely refuses to go anywhere though! Anyone out there with reluctant toddlers who managed to turn this around?

Also do your parents always do the drop off or do sometimes you do it?

I sometimes do it but it's the opposite direction from work so I'm always late on those days. Most of the times my parents do it.

I am multilingual and my DCs are bilingual. DH and spoke one language to each other, English to the DCs and we live in France. It’s a common way of learning multiple languages.

I suspect th problem has nothing to do with language. She sounds like she is very stressed at nursery, especially with her refusing to eat. Do you have other childcare options? A childminder? Another nursery?

are you trying for every day - I would cut it right back to a couple of times a week and see if that helps and try and do it ourself

Mine didn't settle at nursery so we kept them at home, I was a sahm and it was better for the kids than being forced to go to childcare.

I worked in a Germany kindergarten teaching English and what your doing is how children learn their native language and second language (or third of forth) by speaking the native language at home mostly and then speaking the other language out and about.

What is her current English speaking and understanding level like compared to her peers? How is her native language speaking and understanding? Honestly at this age she may not be speaking much of either which is pretty normal so don't fret. But she may need some help learning how to make her needs known. I agree that moving her won't help the situation.

Have you looked at other factors that are not language based? Does she have a cuddly toy she brings with her to help with the transition? Is it just at drop off times then is she fine? Is it a habit to make you stay? Is there particular children or teacher she likes or doesn't like (this will help to settle her showing her that she's not alone)

I know it's hard rendering when they struggle going somewhere. I'm struggling with my 3 year old having meltdowns at the preschool steps but 5 minutes later once's she's inside she's fine. Your daughter will pick up English rather quickly as she's surrounded by it but may struggle at present getting her needs met so maybe have a meeting with the school as many British ones are not experienced teaching to non native speakers and may need your input.

Language issues aside, my DD adored nursery and went full time from 9m old.

My DS however really struggled. I feel guilty now at how long we persevered. In the end we admitted it wasn't the setting for him and switched to the calmer environment of a childminder. 2 drop offs for a while was a challenge until my DD started school full time but needs must.

I'd agree with you that a toddler would pick up English fairly quickly in a nursery but it may be the setting doesn't work.

I'm a language teacher and my DS3 had delayed speech so I know a bit about language acquisition and also the importance of speaking other languages in a predominately monolingual country.

Please do not stop speaking in your home language. The later benefits of bilingualism (as you know with your older ones) will come to fruition soon.

By all means speak English at home too, maybe flipping in and out of the two, but do not stop your home language, please.

Little ones will get there eventually (my son went from nothing to jabbering in sentences in 4 months) and they are like sponges and will soak it all up in whatever language they hear it in. If there are a lot of materials and books at home to read or have read to them in English then this will help. But do the same in your home language too. Kids this age don't get confused, amazingly.

Remember too that they listen and understand before they speak (receptive language skills before productive) so just because she's not talking doesn't mean that she's not understanding.

Hope it all works out for you. The more languages the better, OP, as you know!

Maybe you could work with the nursery to produce a set of flash cards with words in English and your language for routine activities (lunchtime, snooze, painting, outside play etc). The SENCO for the nursery setting will have (should have) dealt with this kind of stuff for EAL children and will be able to support language acquisition and help her to settle and communicate with her peers. But still don't give up the home language!

If she has pictorial flash cards then she can also communicate by pointing to them if she needs to and isn't quite ready to say "toilet" yet. Communication isn't just oral!

Good luck OP!

There are non English speaking state schools in U.K. schools where no English is spoken or taught for the first five years, even if the dc entering the school don't yet speak the language. Because immersion is considered important and dc can pick up English later.
I wouldn't worry about the language OP it sounds pretty normal for bilingual dc.
It may be that your dc will settle in time at nursery, mine took ages or a cm may work better.

DS really struggled at nursery. It was wonderful, outstanding provision but he cried and stood at the window every day waiting for me to return. I think he just missed me, rather than anything bad happening at nursery. He only did one day a week there and I would have had to put him in all the time really to help him settle. I think because he knew there were days when he was with me, he didn't like going to nursery. He wasn't able to see that Monday's he was in nursery, Tuesdays & Wednesdays he was with the childminder and Thursdays & Fridays he was with me. It was too much and he just didn't get it. He now goes to a school nursery, he's a year older (nearly 4) and he has to go (but he loves it). It might just be time and age.

Going forward, I might consider upping the time at nursery and riding it out. Your DC might simply not like a display up in the room or something else random. You could maybe look at other provision too. My DD loved her childminder and the more homely setting was familiar to her.

Many of the posters have no close about other languages and raising bilingual children.

My daughter is bilingual and in my case minority language at home and spoken by me but not to a great extent and it's not my first language and English spoken by me and everyone else.

The home language is usually the language that the child will learn first then English or language of the country after. Chilldren learn easily and fast.

In my daughters case she learned both languages at the same time from birth. Every word was said by my husband in his first language and by me in my first language which is English.

Op some kids never like nursery and never really settle. My daughter did the 15 hours from age 3 and hated it and also at 4 (as I personally think 4 year old going to school is too young) and is now home ed.

Maybe a child minder setting will suit your daughter better.

Agree with trying a childminder.
My dd loved her nursery and settled immediately staying there for 4 years before starting school.
My ds hated it! With a passion. He cried from the moment I dropped him until the moment I picked him up. We moved him to a childminder and he settled in less than 2 weeks. He just needed that more 1 on 1 and home situation.

I don’t think the language issue has anything to do with it. Although my ds was non-verbal until nearly 4 so maybe having one person who got to know him so well helped him communicate.

Advice is to always speak parents native tongue . Where I work most of the children start nursery / school with no English and the vast majority are fine . A good nursery would manage this appropriately .

Of course she will feel uncomfortable in a place where nobody speaks the same language. Adults feel uncomfortable enough in this situation, imagine how that feels as a toddler! She needs to learn English since she is being raised in an English speaking country. Teaching her your native language is hugely beneficial but it should be second language, not first!

Also catching bugs is fine and normal, it actually strengthens their immune system.

I hated all of my nursery schools. I remember quite clearly that I didn't like them and my mum confirmed it. I went to perfectly nice ones, I just found it traumatic. I'm sure the language barrier will frustrate her until it clicks (faster than she'll know), but some children really do just hate nursery, sorry.

You are absolutely right to speak your mother tongue to her. She will learn English when she goes to nursery and school and you have the ability to help her with it when needed but if as some people seem to be suggesting the op speaks both to her the poor child will just end up very confused without a firm grasp on either language!
We are also raising or ds bilingual his dad only speaks his native language to him and I only speak English to him.. Be may take a bit longer to speak in sentences bit he will have understanding of 2 languages.

It really isn't the bilingualism, and your native tongue should be an is her mother tongue.

Children with a very strong first language end up stronger in their second language than monolingual children without a solid foundation in their only language. Children need to be talked to lots and read to in a language which the caregiver speaks fluently, eloquently and consistently. Which language does not matter as long as it is one the caregiver speaks as a native.

With that foundation the child ends up strong in any language they are immersed in and talked to for several hours per day by native speakers.

You'll do more harm than good if you change the language you use with her, and unsettle her further because her primary care giver has stopped speaking her language - that's heartbreaking.

I agree with the childminder idea, some children are not suited to group childcare settings at 2. The setting is clearly wrong for her personally at this specific age - while she's stressed out by the setting she won't be learning, she'll be in a fight, freeze, flight response mode.

At 2 nursery should be able to communicate without relying on spoken language. Plenty of children don't use much language at 2. Children with language delay are as likely to settle into a sensible nursery at 2 as those without - it's not the language.

I spoke only English to all mine until they were 3 and we kept the house English speaking but outside the house we went to German playgroups twice a week, spent hours in the German playground, had German children over to play. The review for each of the children after 6 months mentioned that they spoke better German than a number of their monolingual peers, and that although the boys sometimes couldn't find the German word (girl child loved words and had a typical for age vocabulary before she even started kindergarten) they were astonishingly quick at picking up grammar.

Adults feel uncomfortable enough in this situation, imagine how that feels as a toddler!

Imagine how it feels to be a baby, they can't even talk at all. You're projecting. Toddlers are not masters of verbal communication anyway. Young children are not self conscious about language in the way adults are and deal with these situations much more easily than adults.

Sheneeds to learn English since she is being raised in an English speaking country.

She will. It is inevitable. And also very easy for a 2 yr old.

Teaching her your native language is hugely beneficial but it should be second language, not first!

That is an excellent plan if you want to raise a child who never speaks the minority language properly.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will try and see whether the nursery has a plan to address her anxiety and quiz them a bit more on how she communicates. I think she quite simply may not be ready for it. I'll stick with it a few more weeks and then switch to a child minder if there's no improvement.

If she is there only a half day per week this is not really long enough for her to settle into nursery

Total ignorance here about how language acquisition and bilingualism works.

The op is right to speak mother toungue as the second language. IE. English will be picked up quickly at school.

Typical little Englander attitude on here. Seeing bilingualism as a challenge not a clear advantage in life.

Ignore the posters criticising your decision to speak your native language to your dc. English is everywhere, they can’t fail to learn English. You’ve given them fluency in another language that they can’t get any other way.

It’s normal in Wales. Children from English speaking families enter school where they learn Welsh by immersion. No English is used until KS2. They end up bilingual.