Toddler refuses to go to nursery

[Songsofexperience]

Posting here for traffic as I'm really unsure of what's best to do next.
My 2 year old DD started nursery a couple of months ago but she really hates it. There's nothing wrong with the nursery itself; her sister went there for years and was very happy. It's the same management etc. I thought she would need time to settle in but there's no sign of improvement. She also catches every bug going. I'm concerned about this because currently she is being looked after by her grand parents. I work full time and they badly need a break! The idea was for them to do it for a year and then we'd switch to nursery. There's also a language issue. My parents aren't native English speakers and I've always spoken my native language with my children (I see it as a huge benefit for later in life) so right now DD doesn't speak English. Nursery was always the place for my kids to learn English before starting school. I definitely don't want DD to reach Reception and not speak properly. The plan won't work if she completely refuses to go anywhere though! Anyone out there with reluctant toddlers who managed to turn this around?

does she communicate with you why she hates it?

Honestly OP.... I have found bilingualusm to be an odd one. A lot of people dont understand it at all. They dont understand what a huge advantage it brings and how beneficial bilingualism is for childrens development. As well as how much it helps in later life. But some.... Understand it. And resent it as they arent able to do it for their own children. I think you might be getting a bit of the green eyed monster.

Bilingual kids are often slow to speak in sentences, my son was three when he started and my daughter just recently now at 2.5. I'd be surprised if OP's daughter can communicate her worries in a comprehensive fashion yet.

Why aren't you teaching her English? She needs both. You're making life so much harder for her.

sigh Because she will learn english at nursery before you can even blink Abbazed. Did you even bother to read the full thread?

It is an approved method of raising bilingual kids to speak only the minority language at home.

does she communicate with you why she hates it?
No, she's only just turned 2 so her vocabulary is anyway quite limited. She just tenses up when we go and then cries when we're there. She doesn't eat her tea there either.

I am a bilingual child raised in Spain. I spoke only English till I was around 3.5 , then my parents started teaching me working Spanish so I could make myself understood at preschool, which started when I was four. In three months I had all the basics. You are right, you should speak to your child in your mother tongue, then you can start on a second language. I would start helping her out to communicate in English too before nursery. She does need to be able to communicate something!

Absolutely shocked at posters telling you to speak to her in English!

You have the right of it, op. Your child will learn English from her environment, living in an English speaking country. You and grandparents speaking your mother tongue is the best way to let your child learn both languages completely - with full understanding, never "translating" in their head. For that matter, a two year old (or even a 3 or 4 year old) does not need language to socialize with their peers or be looked after by their caregivers; children have a universal language of play, and she will pick up English so quickly anyway. I teach children ages 2-5, with a specialization in child literacy. I would wholly recommend you sticking to your plan. Your child isn't the first with separation anxiety - the nursery should be able to help you figure out how to get her comfortable. (And sometimes that may mean leaving her crying, and knowing she will be perfectly happy and playing within minutes)

She needs both. You're making life so much harder for her.
She will have both, there's no question about that. The question is whether nursery is the right setting for her now.
I am British, of foreign heritage, and I'm keen to let my kids explore the world with the best tools when they grow up.
I can also help her with homework etc when she's at school. She won't be at a disadvantage there.

In fact, she'll be at a distinct advantage. Bilingual kids have very much an educational advantage because of their language development. Not only with having two languages but also finding it easier to learn further languages and other things.

Thank you Taylou, great to hear from someone with your background.

I think it might have a lot less to do with the language than you think. It's much more likely that at 2 it's a new e Perone e which is hard work for her. None of my children liked nursery at 2. They cried nearly every day at drop off. Unfortunately there wasn't really an option to say no in my case. Nice smile, cuddle and in you go. It was the same with everyone else I knew who needed to work. And the people who dont get over the hump of this at 2 just have it to do at 3, or 4, or whenever. Persevere and in 6 months it will feel different.

There's nothing wrong with raising a bilingual child. It is actually an advantage, but she needs to be exposed to both languages. I'm curious about what language your other children speak when they are playing? Usually bilingual children, take English as their first language because they spend so much time in school and when they are playing they speak in English. It would be a good idea to let your older children speak in English with your toddler and you continue with your mother tongue. Also let her watch the local channels like cbeebies and teach her the nursery rhymes. You could arrange with the Nursery a settling in period, so that she would only stay a couple of hours a day and then start increasing when she's more settled.

But she will be exposed to English, everywhere else that she goes. Why is that so hard to understand? Home is for the minority language.

Is she just 2 or nearer 3? 2 out of 3 of my kids weren't ready for nursery until they were much older than this. I persevered but in hindsight wish I just waited until they were 4 rather than 2 or 3.

The people who commented on the language aspect clearly don't have bilingual children. My children went to kindergarten in a language that they didn't speak and picked up the language. The important thing is the standard of care and it sounds like you know what the nursery is like already.

Nothing wrong with the languages set-up. I live in a large expat community and most of my friends' kids do the same. What's wrong though is that your DD seems to be doing the deciding. If you need her to go to nursery, then she goes to nursery. You're the responsible adult here.

Mum of bilinguals here.

I think she might be finding it difficult because she can't communicate, by 2 she would be able to communicate very basically in her native tongue so I think it's highly likely she's feeling overwhelmed with not being able to communicate in English, which is understandable.

I think a babysitter would be a good alternative, someone who is looking after other children (max 4). That way it's still a social environment for your LO but it's a bit more personalised.

I was a bit at the first page of responses, glad to see that subsequently people have posted who understood about bringing up children bilingual. Where I live there are a lot of families who are able to give their children the gift of being bi- or tri-lingual, and I have always envied them for being able to do so.

2 years of one language then increasing exposure to English via nursery sounds an ideal way to do it, leaves them plenty of time to be ready for school. Unlike where I grew up (non-UK), where on starting school age 5 or nearly 5, the population of my local school had barely 15% of children who knew any English at all. With hearing problems and severe speech delay I was considered so advantaged by being English speaking as to not warrant any support ...

From one of your posts, do I gather that there is a very large age gap between your older children and this little one? If so, I wonder what things may have changed at the nursery even with the same people in charge. The increasing prescription of an early years curriculum for instance - has this for example led to nursery staff having to focus somewhat more on documentation and rather less on responding to the children's needs? You could perhaps have an informal chat about "what has changed", and be sympathetic about paperwork etc, asking "do you find that makes it harder to ..." or something, and see how they respond. That, in addition to more specific discussion about how your daughter is actually finding her time at nursery, might help you in deciding how much to persevere with settling her into nursery now, vs finding a different environment for another year until she has more confidence for the nursery setting.

I hope you can find a way forward that you can feel comfortable with.

The dramatic posts of some of the people here... 🤦‍♀️

I used to teach in an eikawai in Japan that took children as young as 1 to get them used to English, much like you would do and are doing with the nursery. There was nothing bad about this and it's encouraged so that the child is not only fluent in English, but so they also will have a native English accent as they get older. It's nothing but advantageous for the child and we would have been reprimanded as teachers if we spoke a word of Japanese.

Anyways, have you tried hiding her favourite toy at home and having the same toy appear at nursery? That might make it exciting for her to go.

Yes there is a large gap- and perhaps she is also being a bit spoilt by her grand parents. That's one of the reason I'm keen to switch from them entirely looking after her during the day (not sustainable anyway) to another childcare set up. She needs to learn to interact with other kids but right now she just hides from them!

Ignore the posters commenting about teaching them English. It's precisely because you are immersed in English everywhere else, that speaking your family language to them is so, so important. You aren't depriving them, you are enriching them! I've taught reception btw.

Is it possible for your mum/dad to stay with her at nursery and help her feel really secure?

Nice tip Noholidays. I'll try that.

My niece and nephew have lived in countries where they don't speak the local language. They speak their parents' language in the home, and a different language (which is not the local language) in school. I also went to a school in a different language than the one spoken at home, and had no trouble.

No problem whatsoever, although it's true that children who speak several languages usually take a bit longer to get going.

You need to persist, OP. I know it's hard if your child gets upset, but I don't think it's a language issue.

My dad did stay with her the first few days. She just clung to him in a really dramatic way!
Staff asked me for a list of her key words written down phonetically so they could remember. Honestly I don't know what else they could do but worth finding out more about what's changed there in the years between the siblings.

she sounds overwhelmed and scared - how often is it and for how long?

I dont think the bilingual element has much to do with it - particularly as her vocab is limited but a communication issue (separate to that could be). She sounds scared I think of it more than anything