Toddler refuses to go to nursery

[Songsofexperience]

Posting here for traffic as I'm really unsure of what's best to do next.
My 2 year old DD started nursery a couple of months ago but she really hates it. There's nothing wrong with the nursery itself; her sister went there for years and was very happy. It's the same management etc. I thought she would need time to settle in but there's no sign of improvement. She also catches every bug going. I'm concerned about this because currently she is being looked after by her grand parents. I work full time and they badly need a break! The idea was for them to do it for a year and then we'd switch to nursery. There's also a language issue. My parents aren't native English speakers and I've always spoken my native language with my children (I see it as a huge benefit for later in life) so right now DD doesn't speak English. Nursery was always the place for my kids to learn English before starting school. I definitely don't want DD to reach Reception and not speak properly. The plan won't work if she completely refuses to go anywhere though! Anyone out there with reluctant toddlers who managed to turn this around?

Most bilingual children go to nursery to learn English but are spoken to in their native language at home. Its nothing new and certainly doesn't deprive them of skills in the future.
OP speak to the nursery, is your DD ok once she's there? You will just have to be consistent I'm afraid, as hard as it is!

Can't believe the insularity of people posting in here that you are wrong to bring your children up bilingual!!! As you say, you are giving your children a great gift by doing that, not only the languages themselves but the gift of learning how to learn languages. I live in London and know heaps of people bringing up bilingual kids, and in three cases trilingual kids (parents have different native languages and bringing the kids up to speak both their languages, plus English which they learn at nursery/school). My understanding is that all the evidence is in favour of this approach, and that by around age 5 or 6 the kids have it perfectly sorted out.

On refusing nursery, all I can suggest is that you work with the nursery to see what they recommend. Short sessions every day until DC gets used to it? Some play dates outside nursery with other children who attend? Or would it be worth trying a different nursery - that one might not be the best fit?

I do raise my children bilingually as they have English friends and fully English surroundings outside the home (not to mention access to English books and TV). The other two speak in fact by now much better English than anything else and one's made it to a top uni here (yes, very un-British shameless boast 😉)

Ok this was interesting!
Perhaps I'll look at a part time babysitter to speak with her 1 to 1 first, then make the switch.

A childminder is probably the best bet if you can find a good one. The consistent attention from a known adult will be great for her language acquisition (ideally best to start before 2.5 years old). I think you're doing the right thing with regards to language. One parent one language is standard and it would very upsetting to change now - being bilingual is great and when I lived abroad kids coped fine starting education at 2.5 years old and learning by emersion. Some children though did need a full time schedule to really pick up the language.

It's pure speculation that the source of the DD's dislike is a communication issue! Lots of children can't talk at 2, in any language! My son didn't start speaking well until he was at least 3. He loved nursery. Nursery staff deal with babies, FGS. They're perfectly capable of interacting with children who don't have much language.

@summerinsun
Thank you😀
I will definitely speak with the nursery again.

You just have to persist. Build up the time, stay with her etc. She'll get there in the end. Most children that my dc started nursery with were monolingual in a different language. They all speak English now.

My gut feeling is to stick with it but it's hard when I know she doesn't like it.
There are other nurseries but they're much bigger and possibly an even more intimidating setting. This one is small and cosy.

OP the people bashing you for language clearly don't have bilingual kids themselves, or live in a country where the native tongue is not their own.

I have and do both. I speak only my mother tongue to my own kids - I'm lucky enough though that my husband is a native of this country and he speaks that so my kids learned both from the word go. A two year old will pick up language very quickly, the language is very likely not the issue here.

Have you managed to have any 'acclimatisation' time at the nursery where you are there with her for a couple of hours for a few days in a row? Alternatively will any of the nursery employees be willing to take on some paid babysitting on a weekend? A familiar face to her may well make ALL the difference to your child when she's dropped off at nursery.

Try to remain up beat with positive with her at drop off, don't linger if you can avoid it and don't get visibly upset at her distress. My son got very clingy about drop off at about three. It took a few months but we turned it around and he's very happy to be dropped now at 5.5. She'll get there!

(Don't worry about the language. As you know from your older DC, she'll pick that up like a sponge!)

It is extremely important to remember that siblings are just that - not clones. They are individuals with differing needs and emotions. You have to do what is right for each one and not compare with the others.

All 3 of my children went to different schools for just this reason - what was right for one was not for another.

I do think that it is important that you do not dismiss the language issue. You thought you would get "harsh responses" about that so you know it was contentious. I cannot see any reason to not bring up your child as bi-lingual; and no reason to suppose that because your other children coped well with a setting where they could not understand anyone then this child should too. It does seem perverse to deny your children the language that they will be using for the rest of their lives.

God people are really thick about bilingual issues. The OP is using a universally approved method for raising bilingual children. Of course kids go to nursery to learn English, whether it’s their native language or not.

I also think that individual children do not always like nursery - and you should not expect them to. I am sure there are things you do not like to. How much more difficult for a little one to cope in this situation.

Ignore the people who clearly have no idea about multilingual development in children. 2 year olds are very capable of picking up a language in a nursery setting and minority language at home is a very good model to ensure a strong grasp of the minority language.

Do not start speaking English to your child and jeopardise that link with her culture and heritage. You know from your older children that the community language and culture will come with time and inevitably become dominant soon enough. Sadly many monolingual people don't have a clue about bilingualism and are prone to giving very bad and outdated advice (and blaming any problem that might come up on the multilingualism).

Lots of 2 year olds, even monolingual 2 year olds who only speak the community language, have trouble adjusting to nursery. It will take time and persistence and it's not so surprising it's taking her longer than her sister, since she's a different person. A couple of months is nothing. I know loads of monolingual children who took almost a year to really settle in. My own daughter did speak the community language, though she's also bilingual, and she cried most drop offs for over 6 months. Is she miserable the whole time she's there or is it just the separation that's hard? Many kids cry when their parents leave but settle down to play quite happily in 10 minutes.

Wow, sometimes I think MN users like to be harsh just for the sake of it.

DH and I are not British (well, we are, but after paying £3k and passing an English language test and a history&culture test that many British born people wouldn't pass!) and we don't speak English to DS, 22 months, as we would be making mistakes. He hears English only at the nursery, can only say mummy and daddy in my language, but last week (according to his keyworker) said "Get down!" to another baby who had climbed a small table.

FFS, they'll get there.

Oh, and he consistently and desperately cries at drop off and laughs and shows toys etc at pick up. Hang in there OP.

Can't believe the insularity of people posting in here that you are wrong to bring your children up bilingual!!! but from OP's original post it doesn't suggest she's raising her bilingual. It suggests she's raising her to speak only her mother tongue and then assuming that nursery will do the job of teaching her an entirely new language whilst the child is surrounded by people speaking words she doesn't understand.

I don't know any parents raising bilingual children who have completely failed to bother reaching the language of the resident country

Unless your English is the same standard as a native speaker then you are definitely doing the right thing to speak only in your home language. Being able to give your child another language is an amazing gift.

Perhaps grandparents can use a bit of Ceebies so they get a break and so your child is exposed to more English.

@Sleeping that's instead what exactly it needs to be done. I can't teach English to DS, I'm happy to delegate that to nursery and they are happy to do so.

We live here and I'm sending her to a local nursery to get her used to English before school!
I do think denying her the chance to master my mother tongue on top of English not instead of would be perverse.
So, considering she's only two I think there's still time.
I thought I might get some harsh responses because somehow language is a misunderstood subject. I didn't think there would be mostly negative responses though.

The posters above dont know much about bilingualism. Highly unlikely to be solely about the language. The amount a two yr old needs to get by will be acquired very fast. My own child is bilingual. And i second what another poster said about not teaching your child language using your second language. They will not learn how to acquire languages this way. The difficulty in langauge learning at that stage is acquiring a language.... Any language. Learning fluency. A second set of words will come very quickly.

Perhaps grandparents can use a bit of Ceebies so they get a break and so your child is exposed to more English.
Yes that's the case.

The people telling you not to speak your first language to your children are clueless about bilingualism - don't stop that, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!

My dd couldn’t cope with nursery at 2. She just wouldn’t settle. She cried herself to sleep on the staff. Maybe I could have persevered for longer but she hated it. She’s not lucky enough to be bilingual but she was behind in her speech and language so that may have been a part of it. We started again at 3 and it took a month but she loved it after that. A childminder is a good idea in between.

SleepingStandingUp

This is a model referred to by linguists as ML@H, minority language at home. It is a very good model for families where both parents speak the minority language. Children are perfectly capable and strongly motivated to learn the community language so the rule when bringing up bilingual or multilingual children is always - put all your effort into the minority language(s) and do not worry about the community language. The majority/community language takes care of itself. The challenge is always, always to maintain the minority language(s).

When exposure starts at such a young age, it is absolutely no problem for a child to reach native level and quickly catch up with monolingual peers. OP's child will end up dominant in English just like her other children. This is 100% definite unless she homeschools her and shuts her off from the community completely, which obviously she's not doing, or moves to another country.

I mean jeez, 2 year olds haven't exactly mastered any language, have they?

Sleeping she IS raising her child bilingual. If she weren't she would be finding a school in her native language or homeschooling. It's an approved method for raising bilingual children to speak the minority language at home and ONLY the minority language. The children will get english literally everywhere else they go in the UK! You're being ridiculous. I am also raising bilingual children, I know how it works.

I’d try a different setting. Maybe a childminder. FWIW all 3 of my children went to nursery with kids who did not speak any English when they started, despite having parents that could (for the same reasons as your DC). The nursery had a couple of members of staff who spoke the other language who helped initially, the children were encouraged to use English, and all were fluent within months. Is there somewhere near you that offers this?