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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancée asking for Prenuptial agreement

111 replies

Sistersis · 06/05/2019 17:32

Posting on here for traffic because I would like a range of viewpoints.

Fiancée is asking for a prenup. When we meet he had zero, both two young people getting started in life. His business ventures have really taken off and he's come to serious money. We previously discussed it before and he previously said he didn't want it.

But now he has changed his mind upon reading some article about some man being forced to hand over 40% of his monthly paycheck. His parents are also divorced. Mine are not.

I earn above average but nowhere near as him. I feel as though he's changed his mind because he's come in to money. He said he wants to make sure 'I'm protected'.

We are getting married abroad where its community split by law over there.

Should I sign? What would you do?

Have I been made a fool out of?

OP posts:
TurboTeddy · 06/05/2019 17:36

Prenups aren't necessarily unreasonable but get independent legal advice before you sign anything. I think whoever draws up the prenuptial agreement for him should insist you do that.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 06/05/2019 17:39

Why have you been made a fool out of?

Personally, I think they are sensible. Theres also a good chance that it wont mean anything if you were to divorce after a long marriage with kids and, for example, you have up work to be a sahm. You shouldnt count on it meaning anything.

Besides which, it should only protect what he has before marriage, I presume.

You need independent legal advice. Personally, I wouldnt marry my dp without protecting my assets. I have some. He has doesnt. We wint be having kids, so wont be expecting him to give up work or facilite my career.

PianoTuner567 · 06/05/2019 17:40

Do you share finances now? Live together?

Original poster
Sistersis · 06/05/2019 17:43

So this is the bit that irks me slightly, he's expecting me to give up work etc and be SAHM. He's also he didn't previously feel the need to protect assets. We are not marrying in UK so I don't even know how this would apply internationally.

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 06/05/2019 17:43

No, you are not a fool and neither is he. I think you should take the opportunity to ensure, that the pre-nup includes:

  • a minimum percentage of his income that he has to pay in spousal maintenance in case of a divorce.
  • A minimum amount he would have to pay in child support in case of divorce.
  • An obligation to pay a certain amount into your pension fund every year, if you start being a SAHM or go PT due to the children's needs, while you are married.
  • An obligation to let you have funds of your own if you become a SAHM or have to PT due to the children's needs. So he can't become financially controlling.

This way the pre-nup will actually protect both of you.

(Obviously, if he tries to sneak in a "potato clause"*, punch him in the nose and leave him)

Also have a chat with him to let him understand that if he wants expensive vacations, but want you to pay half even though he knows you can't afford or if he expects you to pay for all the children's needs then you are not going to marry him at all.

*A potato clause is a clause stating the maximum weight you are allowed to weigh.

Original poster
Sistersis · 06/05/2019 17:44

Not living together currently and no assets shared at present.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/05/2019 17:48

I'm all for pre nups and would be happy to sign one. I think you should be able to protect yourself financially.

I don't not be giving up work to be a SAHP though with or without a prenup. Too much can and does go wrong and it's not worth the risk.

slipperywhensparticus · 06/05/2019 17:48

Remember a prenup protects you too dont sign away the farm if you have children you need a percentage of his money it's not just what's mine stays mine and you go to hell those can be challenged

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 17:49

I don't have a problem with prenups generally however the fact he wants you to be a SAHM (giving up your career and income) and wanting a prenup would worry me.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/05/2019 17:52

I think being fiscally responsible can only be a good thing in any circumstance - marriage included.

What would irk me more is his insistence that you give up work and become a SAHM. I'd wager that many more women ended up shit creek without so much as a paddle by doing giving up work to become a SAHM, than those who signed pre-nups; which by no means are cast iron agreements.

Damntheman · 06/05/2019 17:53

Have you checked if prenups are even legally enforceable in your country?

janetforpresident · 06/05/2019 17:53

Personally I wouldn't agree to this. If I came into money i would enjoy sharing it with my partner and if I expected him to quit his job to stay at home with our children I would expect to compensate him financially both at the time he was a SAHP and beyond as his career and pension would forever be impacted by the years he spent out of work.

I would be totally put off by this.

On another note him expecting you to be a stay at home parent could be a red flag (depending on how you feel about it). It's your decision whether you give up your career/put it on hold. Hos only choice is whether to carry on with his or not.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 06/05/2019 17:55

I would say yes great idea and get a lawyer who will work to get the best for you. X

opticaldelusion · 06/05/2019 17:57

He sounds rather controlling. I think you have more to worry about than a pre-nup.

Highheels1 · 06/05/2019 17:57

I agree with mumminimum but Shock at the Potato Clause!!

Is that a real thing?!

Purpleartichoke · 06/05/2019 17:58

I don’t have a problem with signing a prenup. The catch being that it needs to be reasonable. Reasonable accounts for the lower earnings women statistically encounter even if they continue working full-time with children. Reasonable accounts for the fact that while married, decisions will be made that account for both incomes and the split upon divorce needs to accommodate that. So a prenup that simply states you have separate assets prior to and during the marriage is a non-starter.

Eustasiavye · 06/05/2019 17:59

No way would I sign that then become a sahm.
Why does he want you to be a sham?
No I'd say if you are a sham you expect a wage, otherwise what are you expected to live off? Fresh air.
Id seriously rethink marrying him op.
Sounds like he won't respect you when you marry and give up your career.

HBStowe · 06/05/2019 18:03

Someone once said to me that a prenup is an agreement you make while you love each other to manage what happens when you don’t.

That said, I only think it works if it’s something both parties want, and you both have assets to protect. If it’s just a means for one party to preserve their own wealth at the expense of the other, regardless of whether that other party has assisted in the accumulation of that wealth, then they are shitty and selfish.

Whatever you do, don’t agree to anything that doesn’t feel fair, and be adamant you have to have totally independent legal advice.

It’s also worth pointing out that prenups won’t be enforced if they aren’t fair.

CanILeavenowplease · 06/05/2019 18:04

We are not marrying in UK so I don't even know how this would apply internationally

If divorcing, the Law where you divorce is applicable. Where you married is neither here nor there.

bamboofibre · 06/05/2019 18:05

So this is the bit that irks me slightly, he's expecting me to give up work etc and be SAHM. He's also he didn't previously feel the need to protect assets. We are not marrying in UK so I don't even know how this would apply internationally.

NFW. He wants you to enable his career at the sacrifice of your earning potential, financial security and pension and yet be left with nothing in the event of a split.

Not fair. Controlling. Bollocks.

Wouldn't marry this man at all, no matter how much I loved him, I love myself and my security more and he's not interested in that.

ChodeofChodeHall · 06/05/2019 18:06

So he wants to prevent you from earning your own money, so that you're financially dependent on him AND wants to make you relinquish any future rights to financial support? What do you get out of this, exactly?

RedSuitcase · 06/05/2019 18:06

You're getting married without having lived together, and its the pre-nup you're worried about?

janetforpresident · 06/05/2019 18:07

NFW. He wants you to enable his career at the sacrifice of your earning potential, financial security and pension and yet be left with nothing in the event of a split.

This

MadAboutWands · 06/05/2019 18:09

Hmm... I can see his POV BUT no way I would be a SAHM with someone who thinks it’s also ok to keep all the money from his business from me, even if he is also planning for me to enable him to work and earn. Earn much more than I wouod ever do because he is expecting me to be a SAHM.

Legally, you need to go and see lawyer to see what getting married a road wouod mean in that regard. You shouod have done that anyway tbh.

What I wouod feel more confortable with a separation of assets BEFORE the marriage (so he keeps the money he has made so far). Anything else after the marriage should, imo, be put in the common pot.
As for protecting YOU, he is joking righ?

INeedAFlerken · 06/05/2019 18:09

He either trusts you or he doesn't. YOu've been together since before either of you really made any money... he should know.

I wouldn't sign it under the circumstances. He wants you to give up work and be a SAHP ... and sign away any right to 'his' money. Money he will presumably keep making while you take care of everything at home and with children so he can focus on doing so ... yuck, no thank you. The maid, not the partner.