To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

I hope the OP will take zero notice of the crazy comments to the effect of 'why couldn't you just have put the cup where she considered it out of reach?' Her mother had been asked FOUR times not to do something. There comes a point where a coincidence stops being a coincidence, and when you've had to ask someone to stop doing something more than twice, that point has been reached. She was not being absent-minded. She was deliberately ignoring the request, and in doing so, was putting her own daughter's health at risk. I'd say walking out was a pretty mild response, all things considered.

Incredibly rude is the best that can be said of her behaviour. OP: YADNBU.

I don't think it would have been too much effort to just humour her and leave your cup a little further from DD
I didn’t want my cup on her side of the table where she was scattering sandwich crumbs that could fall in. I wanted it beside me, out of the way of both her and DD. I should be able to put my cup down and not immediately have it moved elsewhere because apparently my judgement about where to put my own cup isn’t good enough.

Aren't you a honey? Stomping off in a tantrum and leaving your 82 yr old mother to get the bus.
Get over yourself, your mother doesn't live her life round your allergy, your behaviour was disgraceful.

FFS I have dyslexic and dyspraxic it does not mean you can not function like any other adult. In fact it has been proven we have much better coping mechanisms and resolving problems the those that don't because we have had to learn to to cope with every day life.

OP YANBU, I also have allergies and as I'm getting older I seem to be having more reaction to different thing. And not just to food, I currently have blisters on one finger from cutting up fresh rhubarb, I didn't react last year. Had new carpet fitted covered in hives.

I have a severe wheat allergy. You know the staff who made the sandwich probably put your cup on the saucer and made your coffee, right?

This can’t be real - nobody with a wheat allergy that severe would be so naive about food preparation. Ingestion means to actually eat it. So unless you are coeliac, yes you could have just wiped the cup. This all seems very unlikely.

because apparently my judgement about where to put my own cup isn’t good enough.

It sounds like at least from your perspective this was a petty power struggle. I think with your mum being 82 and clearly with some long standing developmental issues you just need to let these things go a little bit. After your mum had moved the cup twice it was clear she was going to do it again so you could have avoided it by holding it yourself or finding somewhere to leave it that would make you both relaxed. There really is no point in getting into petty little squabbles about who decides where the cup goes.

Yanbu to be cross and frustrated with this, but she's 82 and leaving her was cruel

No more so than she’s ever been. We’ve had the same argument repeatedly my entire life - I say No and she presses on regardless until I get annoyed.

That sounds controlling on your part - if you say something has to be done, it's up to your mother to fall in line with what you decree rather than having ideas of her own.

I accept that I shouldn’t have lost my temper and stomped off. I genuinely didn’t remember it was a bank holiday and not a normal Saturday. And as soon as I realised I called to check she was at home.

However I don’t think IABU to expect her to leave my cup where I’ve put it and stop moving it when asked repeatedly. I know she had good intentions but I’d asked her multiple times to stop. She has form for ignoring my wishes and it’s been a lifelong argument between us. And she is a functional adult who has raised DC and held down two jobs at the same time, not the poor disabled woman that some posters are trying to make her out to be.

Where's the respect for your poor mum, she's 82 with a slew of difficulties that cause her to be forgetful and gauche and you think it's ok to bollock her in public?
Ffs why not just accommodate your mum and help make her life a bit easier?
..and left her to go home on the bus - that is so fucking low.
And yes I do know about allergies, close family suffers with anaphylaxis.

So on the one hand you give us a list of times when your mother does things even though you've already asked her not to, but on the other hand further up the page you say she has learning difficulties and that she "doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register"

Surely her mental difficulties explain why she doesn't just do as she's told, and you should make allowances for this? Instead when she touches the cup you've asked her not to touch, you scream "What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” and storm out.

The reason you don't see this as an over-reaction is because, as I say above, you think that if you say "Jump" your mother should say "How high?"

OP, you sound ridiculously unreasonable. If your mum was nervous about DC getting hurt why not just keep it a bit further away to stop her worrying? You created the drama by refusing to move the cup, shouted at an elderly woman in public (how embarrassing) and then stormed off like a child. Pathetic.

That sounds controlling on your part - if you say something has to be done, it's up to your mother to fall in line with what you decree rather than having ideas of her own.
It’s actually the other way around - she thinks she knows best so she persists in doing what she thinks is right regardless of my personal wishes. Like when she killed my plant by watering it with tap water after I’d repeatedly asked her not to.

Surely her mental difficulties explain why she doesn't just do as she's told, and you should make allowances for this?
To be fair I usually do my best to be understanding. But sometimes she just winds me up. I’ve had 40 years of her not taking any notice when I say “please don’t do that” and I didn’t fancy spending the next few days puking.

It sounds like you don't like your mum very much at all OP. My mum is the same age as yours and she can be really frustrating at times,but I would never ever treat her the way that you treated your poor mother. Disgusting!

Yes op she shouldnt have done touched the cup and in this case id ask her to buy a replacement or not drink it but no way woUld i ever should stamp my foot and leave someone in a cafe to make their own way home when we come together. Thats vvvv rude. Sounds like you wanted to make a scene. There are better ways of getting the message across without acting as badly as you have. I hope you apologised for your behaviour!

Your Mum was a twat. The first time she touched it was fair enough, she did it without thinking and thought she was protecting DD. Second and third time after warnings, not so much.

Killed a plant with tap water?
Is that not what everyone waters with or do you have posh plants that need bottled spring water?
You sound very hard work.

You sound a bit bonkers Op. If allergy is so severe then any restaurant is going to be a risk. Anyway, if your mum was a bit of a pain she was only trying to protect your child.

I don’t agree with your reaction OP, however I commend and respect you for being honest about your mum’s age/“issues”. You could’ve easily lied to garner more support

Even your poor DM acknowledges she's perhaps not the brightest button in the box, describing herself as 'thick'. That is surely even more reason for you to be kind!

Her natural instinct to protect a little one from being scalded has nothing to do with her lack of intelligence hence her repeated action to move the cup to a safe distance. The newer information about your allergy would not override this natural protective instinct.

By 82 there will be a natural cognitive decline. Your behaviour was cruel and you seem to lack empathy. I imagine your DM was very distressed by the whole thing. I think you should apologise and in future please try to be kind.

Can people RTFT ffs op has answered the same questions more than once or the information has already been given! So infuriating.

ADropofReality - it sounded the other way round to me, her mum doesn't feel she has to accept the OPs decisions about anything, still in the "mother knows best" mindset, which is fine if your child is 7, but not if they are in their 40s.

OP, you wont change her at this point, if you've got to your 20s and she still hasn't learned that she needs to listen to you and give value to your opinions, she wont change now.

I can understand your anxiety about cross contamination from your mum touching your cup. I suffer from wheat protein allergy from which I have had several anaphylactic shocks whilst trying to adjust my life and diet over past 5 years since diagnosis. Crumbs would affect me if ingested and an example was when somebody had eaten a sandwich at my work station and I had a reaction from using keyboard and touching my mouth. There was a sign over the computer saying not to eat due to severe food allergies,but got ignored.
So I understand the anxiety but I do not understand how you could treat your mother like that. Surely just accepting that you missed out on a coffee is better then causing a great dramatic upset. I have eaten out with family and had little grandkids drop food on my plate and just got an alternative rather than be upset. Was the coffee more important than your mum's mental health ?

Redness on my face, vomiting and a tummy ache that lasts a few days.
So an intolerance then not an allergy.
Just wipe the cup next time.