To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

Whilst what you did wasn’t idea I can understand why you did.

When you asked someone not to do something several times yet they still do it, I would be massively pissed off too.

And that was my opinion before I read she was 82 years old.

I'm allergic to wheat too, but you were incredibly reactive. Yes, it's annoying but to leave your mother in a cafe? Sounds like you have a hair trigger temper. I would have simply kept my cup in my hand or left it where your mother placed it.

That would be incredibly bloody infuriating even if you didn't have allergies. Just the grabbing of the cup as if you weren't capable of keeping your own child safe is irritating, the continuing to do so again and again would seem like deliberae point scoring if not for your further updates which might suggest it's more innocent just not thinking. The dirty fingers on the rim of the cup are unappetising and rude even without the allergies, but your updates do suggest that she's less likely to realise that than most people, let alone to understand about cross contamination.

Her being an 82 year old with a learning disability or cognitive impairments seem to mean that you should have been more patient, but you say she's lived a normal independent life and regularly gets herself to and from the place you met by public transport.

I don't think it's clear cut either way. Being an 82 year old with a cognitive impairment doesn't mean you always have pure and saintly intentions nor that you should be patronised or allowed to wind your nearest and dearest up with impunity any more than anyone else... Although of course the but, but, but she's 82 etc could go backwards and forwards endlessly.

I don't think you were unreasonable to be annoyed. Of course in a perfect world you'd have been more patient and driven her home because she's elderly and possibly disabled to a degree. However she's used to being fully independent and by the sound of it able to look after herself despite her challenges.

I'm guessing you we're at the end of your tether
I was just annoyed because every time I put my cup down in a perfectly safe position she moved it to another position that she deemed to be safer. A position that I didn’t want my cup to be in, or I’d have put it there myself. So I picked it up and drank, and put it back in the original position again. And she moved it back to her chosen position again despite me repeatedly asking her to stop it. When I rang her she said my cup was too close to DD. But it wasn’t, and I’m an adult who can make that judgement for myself.

I get that allergies are grim and elderly parents can be extremely annoying, but the way you treated your mum was not just unreasonable it was absolutely disgusting.

I'm hoping this isn't real

I don't have any allergies and neither do my kids so I don't know much about allergies and how they work. I would have assumed you could just wipe the cup and it would be fine. I didn't know that wouldn't have been enough.

YANBU to expect better of your mum though. She's your mum, she's with you often. She should have made the effort to find out how your allergy works and what precautions she needs to take

The dirty fingers on the rim of the cup are unappetising and rude even without the allergies
Truthfully if anyone had picked my cup up by the rim with dirty hands I wouldn’t have wanted to continue drinking from it. Regardless of whether they had bits of sandwich on their hands or not.

You're not at all BU! I would have lost my shit too after the third time. She sounds very stubborn and obtuse. When you have to save your pennies that is really annoying. I would not be able to cope with her I have to confess, I have little patients for that kind of person.

Your mum has a learning disability that affects processing information and remembering, information AND a hearing impairment. Fuck me. Yet you are expecting her to be empathic and responsive towards your allergy, whilst being so dismissive of her disabilities. You are a twat of the highest order.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I also can't believe the people who think its ok for your health to be risked because its your mother repeatedly not listening to you. If it had been 'co worker' then no one would think that O_o

YANBU. Surprised how many people are defending your incredibly rude mum.

Your mum has a learning disability
I actually don’t know what she has, and neither does she. They didn’t diagnose learning disabilities in the 1930s. If you asked her she’d just say she’s “thick”.

or even 'patience'

OP, this isn't the forum for understanding about the impact of allergies on your life unfortunately.

Others will think you were high maintenance and unreasonable. those who experience this regularly know that you do what you can to maintain a normal life but there are simple things you can do to mitigate exposure and you are not being unreasonable to be upset when those around you won't do that.

Not sure I'd have gone as far as leaving her to get the bus home but yeah I'd have walked out and left her to finish up.

I was all on your side til I read she's 82! Now I feel really sorry for her. Surely she's abit senile, forgets things easily and frequently? I get why you're so annoyed but I do think you're being unreasonable to leave her there. I hope she's okay.

It sounds like it made your mum anxious for the cup to be where you were putting it. OK I'm sure it wasn't actually dangerous but why did you insist on moving it? - was it that important to you? Your mum's 82, hard of hearing and clearly has some kind of learning disability so I don't think it would have been too much effort to just humour her and leave your cup a little further from DD.

Surely she's abit senile, forgets things easily and frequently?
No more so than she’s ever been. We’ve had the same argument repeatedly my entire life - I say No and she presses on regardless until I get annoyed.

ChinaBear - tbh, you sound a lot like the mother you find so irritating. Yes, her behaviour was infuriating, but clearly she was very anxious about the positioning of your cup to the point she couldn't focus on much else. Knowing your mother as you do, including how impulsive she is, and wanting to keep yourself safe from cross-contamination, could you not just have left your cup where she moved it to the first or second time, rather than continuing a passive aggressive battle with her? It's not as if she was putting it out of reach, is it, if it was a tiny table for two people!!
Basically, once you admitted your dm is 82, dyspraxic, severely dyslexic, impulsive and poor socially, and was told most of her life that she was thick, I lost quite a bit of sympathy for you for your reaction.

Unnecessarily aggressive towards your Mum. My Mum is a similar age with no medical issues, I wouldn’t dream of treating her so unkindly in the same circumstances.

Ironic that you expect her to be understanding of your medical issues whilst you’re so intolerant of hers.

So how would this not have been solved by ordering a fresh coffee?

I sympathise op.

Next time, take a reusable cup with you and ask them to fill that, then put it in a cup holder on the pram or, failing that, by your feet. That might solve the practical issue.

I still can't get over the fact you yelled at your own Mother like that, and abandoned her without an explanation to make her own way home...!

Your. Own. Mother.

you should have taken steps to prevent this scenario
Seriously, what more can I do other than to repeatedly request that people don’t touch an allergen then touch me or my food/drinks/utensils?

Hold your cup in your hands without putting it down? No chance of contamination then. Hope the buses were running, they normally have a different schedule on a bank holiday. Yes she was annoying, but she's 82! Can't believe you left her there