To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

it's nothing about your allergy it's about the fact you asked her politely not to do something and she carried on doing it - not only once but THREE MORE TIMES.

it's about respect and consideration for you.
it's about her attitude towards you.
you explained very clearly and she just ignored you completely.
that is the issue, not the allergies.

Is she hard of hearing? Yes. Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register. I don’t know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays.

I appreciate it must be VERY frustrating... my baby has a milk allergy and as I am bfing i am also milk free so do understand to an extent... but given her age and the above you've acted awfully. your poor mum. she must be feeling awful. I think you need to go see her in person and apologise.

You still haven't answered what your mum's reply was when you asked her to stop?
She ignored me as usual. I’m frequently frustrated because she’s taken no notice of my requests. I ask her every time not to wash up or fill the washer at my house but she still does it. She persists in teaching DD words that I’ve said are inappropriate, and not minding her business when I’ve asked her to stay out of something, etc. She’s always been one who barges ahead without thinking. DH gets annoyed with her too but he’s better at remaining calm than I am.

We have wheat (and dairy and caffeine) allergies in our family but in our extended family, we also have a child who was burnt by pulling a cup over themselves. One is much more devastating than the other.
Your DM was trying to keep your DD safe. That was her sole motivation.

Coeliac doesn't alway develop as a child so the OP was already an adult when it started, same as I was.
This is why I no longer enjoy food or eating out. It's just a minefield of cross contamination.
Needing to be gluten free sucks.
You were not being unreasonable or over reacting ChinaBear. You mother is not an idiot, she knew not to touch and carried on regarless, after being told multiple times, like she doesn't believe you are Coeliac. My own 80 year of mother goes out of her way to prevent cross contamination in my kitchen each time she comes to eat, she loves to cook in my house (used to be hers) We keep a mostly GF house. If I prep anything not GF, all knives and boards used go straight into the dishwasher and I clean down the countertops after.

OP just as an aside, food hygiene certificates dont mean much. I worked in hospitality for over 10 years and I've seen staff who have had plenty of training and certificates handle food incorrectly. One picked up raw chicken, then licked her fingers before plating up a sandwich. This was a sous chef.
Also, as someone with a nut allergy, I've had staff try to offer me things with nuts in, or just pick the nuts off. One made me a surprise cocktail with peanut butter in...apparently they had no idea that peanut butter contained nuts.
Getting the certificate takes next to no training and is just a ticky box exercise...until someone gets ill of course

I understand why you were annoyed, OP. But your DM is 82, it’s a bank holiday and you’ve said she can be quite clumsy. Has she got home okay?

You sound like an arsehole OP

Reading between the lines it sounds like you don’t actually like your mum much, and you know what that’s ok. I hated mine for a whole load of different reasons and went very low contact. You don’t actually have to keep seeing her, and if you do you don’t have to go out anywhere with her if it’s going to cause you all this much stress.

On balance I do think you were unreasonable to leave an 82 year old woman with additional needs in a cafe expecting her to get the bus home alone when she hadn’t planned to.

I just wouldn’t go out for lunch with her again, she doesn’t understand or respect your allergy.

All in all, it sounds like your Mum doesn't take your opinions seriously. She doesn't take your concerns about your allergies seriously. She doesn't take your assurances that your DD is safe and you've considered it/thinking about the coffee being hot near her seriously.

But OP - you need to check she got home ok. Go back out if need be. Apologise for shouting, and for leaving her, but make it clear that you are frustated that she doesn't trust your judgement. (About your child's safety, about your allergies...)

YABU she was a pain in the arse but it was the cost of one cup of coffee FFS.

Compare that to dumping an 82 year old in town to get herself home on a bank holiday with the problems you have stated.

However irritating she was, just bite your tongue, leave the coffee and don't go to a cafe with her again.

and i only say that because the OP very clearly stated that it's a 5 minute trip that her mum does regularly.

being "left to get the bus" isn't something out of a horror film like some people are making out.

Is she hard of hearing? Yes. Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register. I don’t know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays.

In that case it sounds like it wasn't deliberate at all. If your coffee was ruined it's annoying but there was no point completely writing off the afternoon. I would have just moved the coffee so it was out of DM and DD's reach (or just held it myself).

OP, YANBU.

I would probably do the same (but I have a difficult relationship with my mother who was diagnosed with autism in her 50's). It is obvious you would not do this if calm, and that there are factors beyond the contamination (disregarding your requests, wasting your 'treat' coffee) and possibly other relationship dynamics that are tricky? Plus parenting a small child takes up a lot of mental headspace that make these issues harder to deal with.

I work with older adults and I am a little surprised at the assumption that an 82 year old (in the absence of other information about health) would struggle to get the bus. It is not ideal, which you acknowledge, but presumably is how she would get about usually.

When things are calmer for you it might be worth talking to her about? Being honest that you felt upset because your needs were (?wilfully) ignored and the coffee is a rare treat that is not easy to replace. She may need extra time to process information, and talking it through might help mend fences.

I rang her and she said it was a nice day so she walked home via her friend’s house, who made her a cuppa and agreed that I shouldn’t have stormed off. She still doesn’t see why she shouldn’t have kept grabbing my cup. “You asked me not to but I thought it was too close to DD”. It wasn’t, or else I wouldn’t have put it there. But as usual we have different perspectives.

I do think though that after she had done it three times tha was the time to move the cup so that she wouldn't do it again.

Yabu op- yes you have an allergy however unless it is severe enough to warrant carrying epi pens ( I know three such people) she would not have killed you. Yes she may have made you unwell though I accept that.
Wow thats rich, so some allergies are more deserving than others? Or is it speed of death that should be the deserving factor?
My Coeliacs is affecting my liver, I'm heading to permanent liver damage as it's taken over 10 years to figure out whats going on, everytime get glutened it does more damage and prevents healing. Does my slow death not count because you won't see me flop about on the floor unable to breath?
My son and Dh have epi pens, one for bees and one for unknown allergies that cause anaphalaxis, so no idea what to avoid.

There is a lot of casual ageism going on in this thread. As soon as OP mentioned her mother was 82 suddenly it was the worst thing in the world for her to be left in town alone.

OP has stated her mother buses or walks to town independently and from my personal experience my grandmother at 82 was taking two long haul holidays a year alone--flying to and from Canada, New Zealand, getting the train from North Scotland to London etc

Many 82 year olds may be frail or unable to get about, but let's not lump all people over a certain age into one pigeon hole of frailty!

www.celiac.com/articles.html/journal-of-gluten-sensitivity/journal-of-gluten-sensitivity-autumn-2014-issue/the-cross-contamination-myth-buster-r3770/

The OP didn't say she was coeliac, just has a wheat allergy. They are two different things. There is a definite misunderstanding of cross contamination on this thread. Read the link.
OP, you were horrible to your mother. You took her to a coffee shop, which is by nature full of wheat products. You sat at a small table with a small spchild and she was worried about your hot drink spilling on her grandchild. The first time she touched your cup you should have taken it off the table so that she could not touch it again if your allergy is so severe. But if that's really the case, I just don't get why you went in there in the first place.
I hope your mother forgives you.

YNBU OP - I'm guessing you we're at the end of your tether. I have a family member who won't 'believe' that another family member has a mental health problem. Not that they outright say that, they just never acknowledge it, passively aggressively 'forget' it exists and act surprised whenever any symptoms manifest. It's a form of undermining and bullying I think.

Your DM was trying to keep your DD safe. That was her sole motivation.
I know that. But she was already safe. I’m not an idiot - my coffee was miles away and she couldn’t reach it, and it wasn’t particularly hot anyway. I don’t need someone to move my cup further away from my child every single time I put it down, when I’ve already taken care to make sure it’s far enough away. In fact I get very frustrated in general with DM questioning my parenting, or even just implicitly questioning by not leaving my cup where I’ve put it.

You were too harsh. You could have asked for a new cup. Pour it from opposite side. Or asked her to pay for a new drink.
After all the things you've listed about her, you dont sound very patient or sympathetic, more nasty tbh

Dyspraxia is often strongly linked with anxiety, she may have been really worried about your dd getting hurt, more so than you seemed to be. I honestly can't see why she would do it unless she perceived a risk.

Sounds like there was a pair of you in it.

I understand your annoyance and frustration but that's an appalling way to treat your 82 year old Mum.