Who is BU here, me or DP?

[Bluesheep8]

We both work full time. He earns considerably more than me but we see it that we both work hard to pay for our home and our lifestyle, both put the same effort in but are just paid different amounts iyswim, so the fact that I earn less is not the issue here. DP is also a natural saver and is really good with money. He also values our home and likes it to look nice. I often find though, that I have to cajole and persuade if I see something for the house. We have no garden furniture and there is a 20% discount at a local garden centre, meaning that the little bistro set I've had my eye on is £63. He says we shouldn't buy it and it will still be there in a few weeks (At full price) He also mentioned going out for drinks and a meal today, so I pointed out that that would end up costing around the same and that we should buy the bistro set instead and have drinks in the garden. He says we don't need it and repeats that we can get it later. Like I said, I regularly have to persuade/convince him to buy things...Who do you think is BU here?

Neither of you - just different priorities.

Is it joint money and can you veto his choices?

Yes it is joint money

I wouldn’t consult my DH on a £63 purchase in the first place. We only discuss big ticket items like TVs etc.

I think that you have different approaches to money and that’s going to be a problem for your relationship.

Do you have a joint account? Do you divide bills equally or on the basis of proportionate earnings (ie. if you earn a third of household income you pay a third of the bills)? How long have you been together? Do you own or rent? Whose name is on the tenancy / deeds?

I think he is because £63 is a small amount. You work full time you should be able to spend £63 without asking his permission.

My DH is similar to this, he doesn't like spending but is very good at saving and I am grateful for that. I have learnt that for larger purchases I have to essentially present him with a pros list showing why we need/would like it. (I don't literally write it down)

If money is not issue why not agree to compromise on drinks out and buying the bistro set to eat a nice dinner on later.

If it were £63 on a coat you needed would he quibble?

£63 is a considered purchase, but as I said, he will happily go out and spend that in a restaurant. We have been together for 23 years so a different approach to money isn't exactly problematic, I just wondered who you think is BU in this specific situation.

Without knowing whether you have shared finances it’s difficult to say. Presuming the money will come out of your pocket and not joint finances then I think you can buy what you like. If your finances are shared and he pays proportionately more bills as the higher earner then I think it’s more complicated and depends on the wider context.

Given you are not married and have such different stances on money, I'd separate your accounts and just use the joint one to transfer into half each of the bills. You can then spend your remainder each how you wish or in his case save it.

With joint money where he is earning more of it so his salary is the fun excess money then I can see why he wants to save and not spend.

We have a joint account. Both salaries are paid in and all bills, mortgage and food come out. We then have separate money (equal amount) paid into our own accounts. Everything is in joint names and we have been together 23 years. If I needed a coat, it would come out of my own separate money.

I don't think reasonable or unreasonable is the right term to apply. It doesn't sound like emotions got intense. It does sound like he isn't interested in your idea though. Maybe her prefer something different.

I would just buy it from the joint account.

I think yabu for asking permission if its joint money, just go and buy it

Why don't you buy it with your separate money? Then you wouldn't need to discuss with him?

It's not joint in reality if every suggestion you make is vetoed. Do you ever say no to something he suggests? What would his response be?

If I were you I'd buy the furniture and use it.
If he doesn't want to sit in the garden then fine.
Would he ask your advice on something for his car, or would-be just buy it?
I can't get wound up by things as trivial as this a d would find him a bit stifling if I'm honest.

I’d opt for the garden furniture over dinner out because the furniture will last far longer. It sounds like he doesn’t like the bistro set?!

Is money a problem-can you do both?

lazypuppy that's made me think a bit. Whilst we refer to it as joint money, it's obviously the fact that he earns more that's making me hesitate.

It all depends on your financial situation.

If £63 will make zero difference to anything (ie you'd still eat) then I'd want to be able to just buy it without any consultation. Likewise I'd like to be able to go out and eat without consultation.

It would never be discussed in this house. Whichever of us saw and wanted it would just buy it. I think you’re unreasonable to even ask him and he’s unreasonable to say no.

why should the fact he earns more give him total say in purchases

Is your dynamic always like this

Saying "in a few weeks" isn't really having a conversation about it, I can't really relate it to my relationship because we talk about anything home related. An unnoticeable thing we might not buy, but something like that we'd want to agree that we both like it. Does he not like the set and perhaps prefer something else but doesn't want to debate it right now?

Which account would the lunch bill come out of?

Is there some wider issue here about you spending on things using joint funds? Are you guys flush with cash or brassic? This is why it depends on the context. If you’re brassic or there’s a track record of you spending on fripperies then I could understand his attitude a lot more than if you’re flush with cash or you rarely buy stuff using joint funds. It all very much depends on the context.

Can you afford it or would it have to come from savings? Do you already have perfectly good garden furniture?