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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter just being so ungrateful and rude.

79 replies

user1486131602 · 05/05/2019 23:08

Getting a divorce. STBXH was a complete narcacisst, perfect peter was my nickname for him, never ONCE backed me up with the kids, always what he thought was right even tho he was never there!

So, now I am left with a daughter who thinks money falls out of me arse, her dad gave me a grand total of £32.92 this month to feed her and her brother! She's just entitled, and that drives me nuts! I haven't brought her or her brother up differently, so why is she like this! She treats me just as her dad would of. I cant understand why shouting at me would make her problems better?!
I know that we are all having a hard time at the mo, and this is just her way of handling things, plus she has the extra pressure of her GCSE exams, but really it is ALL of us.
I'm trying so hard, my mother was a complete bitch, and I am trying so hard to not be like her (passed away 10yrs ago). My hubby just used me up and now blames me for everything, my son can't wait to leave coz of the situation. So, after all this I'm going to be alone, I'm only fighting for them.......why?
What should I do? Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
Purpletigers · 05/05/2019 23:11

Drop her off with her dad . They sound like a match made in heaven .

GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 23:11

Give her the £32 and explain that’s what her father thinks she eats a month - see how she gets on

Seymoursyourfriend · 05/05/2019 23:15

Sit your dd down and go through your income and expenditure with her. Teens have no idea until it's spelled out to them. Been there, done that. DD was gobsmacked and learnt a hard lesson why her constant demands couldn't always be met. She faced up to the reality - in all fairness to her. Teenagers don't know about life and finances. You need to spell it out Flowers

Mintandthyme · 05/05/2019 23:18

She treats me just as her dad would of.

So she reminds you of her father ...

bluebell34567 · 05/05/2019 23:18

she is a teenager, ignoring is best way if she doesnt understand your explanations. otherwise you will become ill.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 05/05/2019 23:27

Green tulips:
No that would be half of £32.92! Sha has a brother!
Mintandthyme:
Yes she does, sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486131602 · 05/05/2019 23:32

Bluebell34567:
I have tried, God knows!
It's hard I can see she's unhappy, but when I try to talk to her she shouts back OMG, Just leave me alone can you! So I do then it's: You tell me I can speak to you and I can't can I?

I know I'm finding it hard with everything going on and I'm trying to explain things go but she just say' that's right I just like my dad' and storms off. Can't finish a sentence with her either!
Don't know how long we can go on like this and we are only at the beginning!

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 05/05/2019 23:35

If your DD is struggling is there any counselling to help her?

Yabbers · 05/05/2019 23:37

As hard as it is for you, she’s a teenager going through her parents splitting up and doing GCSEs, life is a whole lot harder for her.

Bunbunbunny · 05/05/2019 23:39

It sounds like you're both having a hard time and need a way to talk without blowing up at each other.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/05/2019 23:39

It is learnt behaviour from her DF. She is very angry it happens to most teens, for a teen going through a parents divorce, it would be hard.
I get it is not easy, we always lash out at the people closest to us, talk calmly to her, tell her if she flips again, you will ignore her, do ignore her but continue to show her respect even in silence.
I was a horrible teenager so angry and hurt, would she consider some therapy.
Please do slag off her father, don't discuss his lack of financial support, don't tell her she acts like him, it is not her fault she learnt to act like him, we are a product of our upbringing.
It is going to be a hard road ahead but it will be worth it.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/05/2019 23:40

*do NOT slag off her DF. Sorry typo above.

RoseMartha · 05/05/2019 23:41

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

UterusUterusGhali · 05/05/2019 23:42

Ach she sounds like she's really struggling. It's a horrible age.

Lots of mumsnetters will say to not let your kids know you're struggling for cash but bollocks to that. She's old enough to know and she should ask her father for cash.

If she wants to still talk to you that is good! My daughter has barely spoken to me since she was 14 but she definitely still needs her mummy.

Getoffamycloud · 05/05/2019 23:43

There is no way I would be explaining my personal finances to a 15/16 year old. Yes, she needs to know the value of money but she does not need to be involved in your personal finances , for any reason

GreenTulips · 05/05/2019 23:44

On rod the easiest forms of communication is text messages

Clear precise and can be reread!!

I also have a stressed stripy 16 year old doing exams, leaving school, looking for a job - it’s all very over whelming!

I have ignored most of it, and she pressed a raw nerve last week demanding I left work to pick her as she missed a bus late afternoon!!! 20 min walk and it wasn’t raining. I kind of lost the plot as the day before I’d paid for her prom dress and bright her friends snacks etc for a leavers do and collected and dropped everyone home! Sometimes they need a reality check

Headunderthecovers · 05/05/2019 23:45

Having been there, there is a definite acting out angry phase for children going through their parents' divorce; as there has been the build up and then the turmoil of the process.

You are tied up in all this and just holding it together.

She's a teen so won't empathise with your situation, and it's harder for you to be sympathetic to a teenager,rather than a toddler, acting out their anger.

Don't think her behaviour is her Dad's as this will destroy your future relationship.

Teens are more likely to hear you when you tell them how you feel, rather than how wrong or rude they are.

Hotterthanahotthing · 05/05/2019 23:51

Her GCSEs start very soon.I would grit my teeth until they're over.Just be supportive and consistent.
The talk when you sit her down with the budget comes after that.Dont tell her how little her Dad gives just lay it out with the incomings and outgoings.
Don't say negative things about your ex to them(and this is so hard ,I know)
You're all hurting,unfortunately your getting the brunt of her distress,and maybe mirroring her dad's behaviour to you.
My DD is the same age but we split 3years ago and she has needed counciling on and off so this maybe something to think of.
It's tricky because of the exams, they're all under a lot of pressure from the schools too so somehow you have to try and keep and even keel so that she doesn't mess this up and blame you.Flowers toGin
Are you talking to someone IRL because this is a lot to carry without support.

bridgetreilly · 05/05/2019 23:53

I mean, I think there are a ton of things going on, probably, but almost certainly one of them is that she is testing to see if you still love her. That's normal for teenagers, it's normal for kids going through divorce, and it's especially normal for teenagers going through divorce. It doesn't mean you can't discipline her at all, but it does mean you must not hold grudges, you should not throw past behaviour back at her, and you must always, always keep persevering to show her that you love her no matter what. I know it's really hard, but you are the adult here and you need to do that for her.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/05/2019 23:57

What has she actually done wrong? This is a very vague post.

Mummaofmytribe · 05/05/2019 23:58

Counselling. Firm, clear explanation of finances so she can see the situation. Tell her you love her dearly but won't be shouted at.
And don't ever say "you're just like your father". My mother did that to me. It was not good.

clairemcnam · 06/05/2019 00:00

It sounds like your ex was abusive.
Sometimes kids behave like the abuser as a way to feel secure and not be scared. Basically kids have two role models in an abusive family - the victim and the abuser. Identifying and behaving like the victim is scary - who wants to be a victim? But the abuser is the one with the power, the confident one, the one who gets what they want. Identifying and behaving like them is a much safer place to be.
IF this is happening, none of it will be conscious, it will be operating at a totally unconscious level.
If you think this could be happening, read up about how kids brought up in an abusive relationship can act.

Chocolate35 · 06/05/2019 00:03

She sounds very typical of her age. My DD can be really rude and it’s not tolerated but I pick my battles. One minute she’s crying over GCSE pressure in my arms and the next she hates me. Reassure her that you’re there when she needs you. Try to do things together, even if it’s a lunch date you can bond. She’s dealing with a lot mentally, as are you.

TheSmallAssassin · 06/05/2019 00:03

Cut her some slack, her parents have split up, GCSEs are literally about to start. Teenagers are not know for their empathy or logic. I know it's hard but now is the time to just let it be water off a duck's back.

Chloemol · 06/05/2019 00:53

Why can’t she Live with her father

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