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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter just being so ungrateful and rude.

79 replies

user1486131602 · 05/05/2019 23:08

Getting a divorce. STBXH was a complete narcacisst, perfect peter was my nickname for him, never ONCE backed me up with the kids, always what he thought was right even tho he was never there!

So, now I am left with a daughter who thinks money falls out of me arse, her dad gave me a grand total of £32.92 this month to feed her and her brother! She's just entitled, and that drives me nuts! I haven't brought her or her brother up differently, so why is she like this! She treats me just as her dad would of. I cant understand why shouting at me would make her problems better?!
I know that we are all having a hard time at the mo, and this is just her way of handling things, plus she has the extra pressure of her GCSE exams, but really it is ALL of us.
I'm trying so hard, my mother was a complete bitch, and I am trying so hard to not be like her (passed away 10yrs ago). My hubby just used me up and now blames me for everything, my son can't wait to leave coz of the situation. So, after all this I'm going to be alone, I'm only fighting for them.......why?
What should I do? Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
FireflyEden · 06/05/2019 01:20

Tell her to close the door on her way out. Big world out there when she is on her own, but if she wants to treat you like shit then she is big enough to pay for herself.

livefornaps · 06/05/2019 01:41

Some heartless bitches on this thread

SadOtter · 06/05/2019 02:48

I cant understand why shouting at me would make her problems better?!

Because she's a teenager, because she's stressed and angry about all sorts of teenage shit, plus GCSE's, plus your divorce, she doesn't know how to fix it so she's shouting at you. Have you never been so fed up you snap at someone even though it isn't really their fault at all? She knows you love her and will still be there when she calms down so right now you get her being a bit of a dick to you. Its shit and I'm sorry but she has a lot on her plate and right now you are going to get the worst of it because you are the person that has always been there, that she can rely on to forgive her. Her dad is giving you £32.92 a month, for 2 kids I'm going to go with he is not father of the year material.

So what do you do... do not tell her she is like her Dad it will probably ruin your relationship. discipline her the same as you always have, ride it out. She's probably feeling pretty insecure and scared right now (but will never admit it coz she is a teenager) be the mum you have always been, let her know you love her and are fighting for her.

StoppinBy · 06/05/2019 03:03

Children display behaviour they have learned....it came from somewhere and even you say that your mother was a bitch and that you try not to be like her and that your ex was not nice but hardly ever there.

I know people are saying that your DD is a teen but I can't see where you said how old she is?

I think you need to see someone yourself so you can learn how to react (or not) to her behaviour.

SilverBangle · 06/05/2019 03:11

I know people are saying that your DD is a teen but I can't see where you said how old she is

From OP .....I know that we are all having a hard time at the mo, and this is just her way of handling things, plus she has the extra pressure of her GCSE exams.

GCSE's means 16 year old (teenager) right??

StoppinBy · 06/05/2019 03:18

@silver bangle..... I don't know or I wouldn't have asked.

StoppinBy · 06/05/2019 03:19

The reason I did ask is because there is a difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old. We don't all love in the same country and use the same abbreviations.

StoppinBy · 06/05/2019 03:20

^^live not love.

SilverBangle · 06/05/2019 03:22

silverbangle..... I don't know or I wouldn't have asked

Ok. At what age do pupils sit GCSE's where you live? 🤔

StoppinBy · 06/05/2019 03:28

@silver bangle it's really none of your business and actually irrelevant as the thread is not to do with me but I completed (as in finished high school) my HSC at 17, some of classmates were 18 and some had even turned 19 part way through the year.

Poppins2016 · 06/05/2019 03:29

I'm going to latch onto one thing, but if you address it I bet it'll go a long way to resolve the other issues.

"That's right, I'm just like my dad"

Your daughter has clearly picked up that you think she behaves like her father, the man you divorced and no longer want in her life. She probably feels (whether consciously or subconsciously) that you would divorce her if you could. That's an awful thing for anyone to feel, let alone a child. She's probably feeling very insecure.

Her behaviour sounds as though it's in the range of normal (often entitled, especially if they've previously been 'enabled' by ok finances) teenage behaviour.

Poppins2016 · 06/05/2019 03:30

divorced and no longer want in your* life

steff13 · 06/05/2019 03:43

At what age do pupils sit GCSE's where you live?

I can't speak for the other poster, but we don't have this in the US. I know it's some sort of test, but beyond that, I'm out. 🤷

SadOtter · 06/05/2019 03:46

@SilverBangle you know there is a whole world outside England right? not everywhere does GCSEs.
@StoppinBy generally you start doing GCSE's at 14ish, take the exams at 16ish.

TheSandgroper · 06/05/2019 04:08

Might this help your own sanity? I took heart from it myself yesterday. www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-04/connecting-with-your-teenager/11043272

SilverBangle · 06/05/2019 10:36

SadOtter You know there are other countries, other than England, that make up the UK right?

Original poster
user1486131602 · 06/05/2019 12:41

Thank you everyone, some really solid advice here. I will do my best to be the quiet in the storm. She does have a lot to worry about and I am the nearest one, I suppose it's better that's she's rude to me and not outsiders!
Thank you again, most appreciated

OP posts:
SadOtter · 06/05/2019 22:02

@SilverBangle Yes, but Scotland don't do GCSEs so its not a UK wide thing.

Wonkybanana · 06/05/2019 22:36

I think the key is, was she like this before the split, or is it only since?

oneforthepain · 06/05/2019 22:46

She treats me just as her dad would of. I cant understand why shouting at me would make her problems better?!

With respect, it was modelled to her as normal, acceptable behaviour throughout her childhood. How would she have learnt it's not normal?

Plus she's dealing with the fallout of growing up in an abusive home. And I expect she is aware you look at her and see her dad, which given your (understandable) feelings about him must be tough for her.

Sounds like he's still financially abusing you. You might find Freedom Programme helpful for youself but also to help you understand the impact on the children and how you can support them: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

oneforthepain · 06/05/2019 22:49

If she thinks you hate her dad, she probably thinks you hate her as well if you see him in her. Your op sounded quite hateful.

Twillow · 06/05/2019 23:02

Is she the oldest? She may have picked up more from her dad's behaviour than you realise, which is difficult because it triggers you a little and she probably hates that side of herself too which is making her angry above and beyond 'normal' teen problems.
Tey and engage her in something she likes, baking maybe? Not to talk about much, just to connect, maybe laugh a bit. One step at a time.
Let her know you love her (not saying you don't just that angry people are often scared people).
Be firm on your boundaries. Matter of fact. "Can't afford any more until payday".
Get her doing some jobs routinely - may be a challenge to start with if she doesn't do any at the moment. But be prepared to calmly state your request (empty dishwasher every day before teatime for example) and - this is the really important bit - DO NOT do it if she hasn't. In that example, pile any washing up next to the dishwasher and refrain from commenting about it! Calmly repeat your expectation the next day. Thank her for it when she does it. Don't let it become a battle of wills!

I have had vey entitled behaviour from my own DD and finally realised I was doing everything for her or constantly baling her out. It wasn't actually doing her any favours at all. With quite a bit of drama to begin with, she now does her own laundry and is responsible for the hoovering. All the while growing more pleasant and less ungrateful!

SavingSpaces2019 · 07/05/2019 00:34

tell her from now on she can do chores to earn pocket money - if there's any left after you've paid all the bills and food etc.
Or tell her she can go live with her father if she can't treat you with respect.

Abbazed · 07/05/2019 10:33

Volunteer together at a soup kitchen and a food bank.

Original poster
user1486131602 · 07/05/2019 13:36

My daughter is almost 16
It the same as high school finals
Yes she was like this before, because her dad would always back her up, even if she was wrong and/or if he was t even present!
I believe you have all expressed many things that in fact prove that her behaviour is normal for teenagers.
Thank you for the post about freedom programme and the Australian abc teenage brains, most informative!

OP posts:
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